04 | text

[deadtective]

[alright, maybe this isn't entirely a text post. it starts out with a video, which is surprising considering who it's coming from - but there's no need to be excited, as the camera is filming nothing but sky. when an unseen person suddenly slaps a piece of paper down on top of the lens, even the hand is obscured by what's being shown. Hazel knows what she's on about.

the paper in question is a freshly minted detective's license bearing the name of one Hazel Lockwood. it sits there for several moments, like she wants everyone to drink it in, before Hazel cuts the feed and switches over to text.]

Well everyone, here it is: proof that they will let you do literally anything regardless of how well qualified you are so long as you're an imPort.

Which is to say, I'm now licensed as a detective in two worlds. If I get arrested after today, it'll be for something amazingly dramatic in the line of duty instead of bureaucratic bullshit. I think that's a fair trade.

If anyone needs any investigative work done, I'm ready to take on what I'm sure will be the total deluge of offers. I have no business cards and no way to verify any of my skills, but what I do have are flexible morals and a full twenty-four hours available to me thanks to insomnia. I only take cash.

Any complaints can be shunted off to Kaneki for enabling me to pass that goddamn test in the first place. Speaking of, Kaneki!!! I do actually have a thank you gift!! But you need to fill out a survey first.

Also obligatory hello to the new people, if only because you're clogging up the network again. I'm not someone anyone wants to know, but it feels a little silly to ignore you guys. So, hey! :D

Comments

[rockpun]

granted most of my knowledge of detectivery comes from novels about a dude who burns down half the buildings he enters but im pretty sure detectives have some sort of book they need to do things by. otherwise you definitely shouldnt have a license.

[deadtective]

Yeah, we do. The book is called Can't Reach The Truth Without Broken Windows.

[rockpun]

suddenly really glad you ended up not taking me up on the offer to crash on my couch. i dont think i want you knowing where i live.

[deadtective]

Oh, did you ask Other Hazel to stay with you? That's pretty dangerous to offer strangers.

[rockpun]

yeah, especially strangers i caught throwing a knife away after getting stabbed with it. i admire your commitment to the bit.

[deadtective]

The truth is always worth full commitment. Except when it's not.

[rockpun]

not worth full commitment or not the truth?

[deadtective]

Yes.

[rockpun]

i have no idea what i expected.

[deadtective]

You have no one to blame but yourself.

[rockpun]

i feel like i could blame you pretty easily on this one, actually.

[deadtective]

If you want to be wrong, sure. I'm not going to stop you from shooting yourself in the foot.

[rockpun]

yeah, im getting the feeling youd rather break my window and do it yourself in the name of being a pro detective. hazel lock's pro p.i. coming to nintendo 64 this fall.

[deadtective]

...you're not big on the video games, huh.

[rockpun]

sorry, i meant the colecovision. thats what all you hip youngsters are playing these days, right.

[deadtective]

Well, if I wasn't pretending not to have met you before, I sure as hell am now.

[rockpun]

mission accomplished. looks like you just got outmaneuvered. hand over the license.

[deadtective]

I don't think you understood my reply, but it doesn't matter. I'm going to eat this license before you ever get it.

[rockpun]

i was trying to get you to admit you were lying about not knowing me and you straight up said it. pretty sure i understood your reply perfectly. i hope ink and plastic arent part of your dietary restrictions.

[deadtective]

I said if I wasn't before (which I wasn't) then I am now, because after this conversation is over? Gone from my memory.

[rockpun]

semantics isnt a good look for you. id drop it before your face freezes that way.

[deadtective]

Just copying my replies to other people now? I haven't seen anyone this desperate in months.

[rockpun]

uh wow i did NOT copy that. i have my own personal typing style that defines me as a person. i retyped that like a civilized human being.

[deadtective]

Stealing comments and tech-impaired to the point you can't even copy-paste? This is getting sadder and sadder.

[rockpun]

man you keep this up and im just going to throw an empty loaf of bread at you to see what happens.