MASK OR MENACE

VOTE BIRDIE SANDERS 2016
As seen in local news and promoted on BlueTube:
There have been reports of a wild parrot in Heropa's central park who has been conversing with passers-by. The parrot engages people on a number of topics of social relevance, including the importance of paying workers a living wage, the necessity of disarmament, and the dangers of xenophobia. It also apparently speaks with an English accent, leaving some to wonder if the animal might have been planted there by some foreign spy.

NOT RUSSIAN TO JUDGEMENT
As seen from the news blogs of major imPort-sympathetic media and news outlets:
You can visit a website, OurRussianFriends.com, which chronicles the Russian kidnapping of imports at the Russian invasion/brainwashing techniques. It includes news articles, personal accounts, interviews, video footage, which are all collected for display. Anything containing specific imPort information or stories has been edited to hide their faces as requested, and some things have been carefully edited to put imPorts in a better light. With the Russian invasion over, the website is mostly in standby mode until the next thing happens, but it's still there as a reference whenever news agencies need to make a 'point' about the invasion.

HEAVY MEDAL
As seen from all national newspapers, channels, and news/entertainment websites, along with limited coverage overseas:
A White House victory ceremony was almost derailed by self-righteous antics on March 12th, as a a few protesting imPorts chose to display disrespect to President Freemason on a day of gratitude and celebration.

Freemason had invited heroic veterans of the imPort resistance against the Soviet occupation to Washington D.C., for the purpose of awarding them Medals of Esteem on behalf of a grateful nation that owes so much to those who fought for freedom during the coup crisis in February. However, while most attending imPorts conducted themselves with the dignity and discipline expected of heroes in wartime, a few chose to hijack this official occasion to advance their own unpatriotic political agenda. These malcontents included:

Heiji Hattori- the first to protest, who bowed as he declined the award and told President Freemason that he fought for people, not for glory or a country, and that America should be better than its enemies
Jacob Taylor- who declined the award and stated he couldn't accept it in good conscience from a government that killed thousands of civilians in Debrecen
Princess L'Arachel- who accepted the award, but could be seen attempting to lecture the President of the United States on ethics before being ushered away by White House staff
Revan- imPort Ambassador to Maurtia Falls, declined the award while still bearing visible signs of injury from leading the Defense of Helix Station. Revan could be seen whispering an apology to the President before being led away
Kitty Jones- who was noticeably absent from the ceremony without proper explanation, despite her heroic activities for the resistance
Skye- who was also absent without explanation

Fortunately, President Freemason valiantly maintained her poise and composure in the face of this shocking display, and most imPort attendees were well-behaved and showed proper respect to the President and to their hosts in this world: the United States of America. Major-General Olivier Armstrong, D'Artagnan, Francis Urquhart, Kanaya Maryam, Carl Grimes, and Sabriel all accepted their awards without incident, while Charles Xavier respectfully conveyed his regrets at being unable to attend due to exhaustion and health issues. Magicman courteously declined his medal on the grounds that he hadn't done enough to deserve it, while praising the President's recognition of AI rights- such a humble hero!

Sabriel and Armstrong in particular could be spotted conferring closely with government authority figures at the event, as befits loyal heroes. Francis Urquhart, imPort Ambassador to Nonah, accepted the award in good form despite having previously made statements of discontent in the media regarding the Debrecen airstrikes. Meanwhile, the memetic world is having a field day with the expression on Carl Grimes' face as he beheld the displays of disrespect by the protestors. GIFs and captions of his unimpressed reaction are spreading across the Internet.

Approached after the ceremony for comment on the protest, Kanaya Maryam only rolled her eyes.

WHAT A ST. CRAPRICKS DAY
As seen reported national and local newspapers, and run riot in social media platforms:
Bad luck beset the St. Patrick's Day Parade as disasters seemed to abound at an alarming rate. Onlookers reported sightings of green monsters spreading gold, though neither gold nor creature appeared to remain afterward. Among the confusion, imPort Julian Day took responsibility for the chaos and stole the prize parade float. While this costumed criminal was soon apprehended, there was no saving the parade.

SHOT IN THE ART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME
As noted in art and lifestyle magazines and websites, and promoted on LulzFeed:
Heropa Trade School's lead mechanics expert, Professor Li, was given the final project of imPorts Jaime Reyes and Will Graham. The two local heroes had no idea what they were handing her was actually art. Fortunately, Professor Li has an eye for the artistic as well as the mechanical, and now the students' project is being inspected and passed around far more elite circles than any garage. The piece is described as "a tired car, nearly a clunker, transformed into something far better than a working vehicle...it has become more than that...a true statement, a true artistic force...the wake up call America needed...a look into the depths of imPort suffering..."
Only three pictures of the artwork (called "CAR OF SORROWS") have been revealed to the public so far. One is of the hood of the car, with the word "SORRY" spray painted across it. "It's so simple, yet so profound," says one curator at a Nonah art gallery.

"Are they sorry for the troubles caused by them being here? Are they sorry for being here in the first place? Something else? It could be a multitude of things, but it's very clear some of our imPorts carry the burden of guilt."

The second picture shows under the hood. The insides have been replaced with a cardboard box filled with coffee cups and cans of bug spray. "Incredible," commented another curator at a Nonah art gallery. "So often, in order to keep our bodies awake and push through the day, we purposefully consume that which is not good for us. A clearer message could not be present. We have to take care of ourselves better."

The third picture shows the front two air bags. One has been painted with a smiling face while its companion wears a frown. "It's remarkable," commented a curator at the third Nonah art gallery. "Simple faces on cloth speak so loudly. ImPorts are expected to smile for the public, but are they really smiling? Really really smiling? They smile to keep from crying rather than let us see them as human. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit I cried the first time I saw this work of art. It's been in my dreams ever since..."

Neither imPort has been very talkative on the work's true meaning. Some critics remain. Infamous graffiti artist, political activist and film director of unverified identity Cranksy commented that "This is not art...this is expression, but it isn't art...shame the capitalists will consider it art anyway..."

Cranksy reminded the reporter, and thus the world at large that, as a successful artist, he knew what he was talking about.

IT'S A RUNNING THEME
As discussed on Bwitter:
The last imPort Swearing-In had made quite an impact -- at least, over the Bwitterverse it did. When Heropeans who had caught word about an imPort carnival, it seeped into their imaginations. Citizens were speculating on the details over Bwitter, with the hashtag #imPortThemePark, and mega animation company/land owner Pixels took notice. A spokesperson for Pixels discussed the possibility for an imPort-themed theme park, lining out the logistics. "We're being realistic about it," she said in a brief news conference. "We know we need to get the likeness licensing rights from every individual imPort we would need first. But there is a consumer hunger for the imPort experience, and we are best equipped to deliver."

Pixels is said to be in talks with pastry and entertainment food company Creamworks for a partnered endeavor regarding this unnamed imPort theme park.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS...?
As seen in all major newspapers and all major networks with international correspondents:
Very little news to report. Hmm, that's odd, isn't it?

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CAPITALISTIC GREEN to SPRING GREEN, to denote the official peaceful coming of Spring! Happy Spring! Please no one tell Calendar Man "Happy Spring", in case he gets any ideas.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

SHAKE IT OUT
As seen on all major news networks:
An earthquake with a magnitude of 4.0 struck Heropa on Sunday evening, according to the U.S. Geological Survey. The temblor hit at approximately 8:00 p.m. and could not be attributed to any fault line or tectonic activity, USGS reported. The cause is speculated to be linked to one or more imPorts, possibly related to the series of fires in the area. The earthquake was widely felt throughout the county, with many reporting moderate shaking near the epicenter downtown. About four minutes after the initial temblor, a quake with a magnitude of 2.4 struck the same area. It was followed at approximately 8:27 p.m. by a smaller one with a preliminary magnitude of 2.1. There were no reports of damages or injuries.

DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
As seen on Lulzfeed, Bowling Stone Magazine, and Fitchfork:
Up and coming imPort band Dorian Gray and the Hedonists has been targeted by Five Dozen Dads because a bizarre amount of his songs feature the Devil in them. Clearly satanic verse! Think of the children!!!! He's corrupting the youth!!!!

Dorian is quoted to have said, "One: it's only three or so songs out of their entire oeuvre, two: 'Sympathy for the Devil' and 'You're The Devil in Disguise' are classics back home, this is cross-dimension culture at work and three: the band's name is Dorian Gray and the Hedonists, they are not role models to begin with!"

This is "totally not" a controversy manufactured by Dorian and designed to drum up sales for the band's upcoming EP, which is releasing in early January. Ask your local record store if they're going to stock it. Buy, buy, buy!

VAMPIRE EMPIRE
As seen on the gossip tabloid-turned-show TMI:
Tobias Matthews, rumored imPort playboy, turned himself in for assaulting natives and turning them into vampires. Vampires! Blood-suckling fiends! These newly branded fledglings are now under the care of Kanaya Maryam. Allegedly, this is the connection to an army of undead (cited during the July 2015 swear-in).

While at least one of these vampires (allegedly named Terry Hart) has actually attacked innocent natives, it is known that both Toby and Terry have been bound by Sabriel to prevent any further attacks on natives.

But despite lengths to secure the vampire binding, Kanaya's heroic vampire reintegration efforts, and Tobias Matthews submitting himself for lock-up, you cannot help but wonder -- how safe is the native population? How safe is it really?

PUT THE FUN IN FUNDING
As seen on the internet as well as all imPort city newspapers and national morning talk shows:
Moved by the patriotism and sacrifice of fallen imPorts, SOMEONE has started a campaign on the crowdfunding website ShareTheLove to help pay for victims' medical expenses. The recipients include imPorts, regardless of their registration status, as well as natives. Please donate! It's the American thing to do.

NO BEATING AROUND THE AMBUSH
As seem from widespread coverage in almost all US-based online, print and TV news outlets:

HORROR IN HEROPA

Disaster! Terror! Fallen heroes! Arsonist FIRES erupted in downtown Heropa on the night of Sunday, December 6th, serving as a lure to draw America's heroes into a treacherous AMBUSH. Once imPort heroes were fully engaged with aiding civilians, they were suddenly thrown into disarray when their superpowers were altered through unknown means. Soon after, masked assailants appeared and took ruthless advantage of the confusion. Attacking without mercy, these heavily-armed TERRORISTS seemingly had no purpose but to kill imPorts: the same imPorts who moments ago were saving citizens from ravenous flames. Yet the heroes still inflicted heavy casualties on the enemy in fierce street fighting, and the attackers disappeared into the night, leaving destruction in their wake. In the aftermath, it appears that imPort powers remain afflicted by whatever SABOTAGE was inflicted on them.

A statement by military spokesperson Chandra Sweet condemned the "vile and despicable attack on innocent American civilians and the brave heroes who came to assist them," and promised the government's "full and unyielding support" to imPort heroes in restoring their powers and bringing those responsible to justice. The government's statement publicized the following heroes as known casualties of the ambush at this time, with TWO dead and FIVE injured:

DEAD
Hal Jordan, overwhelmed by many attackers while on-scene to aid civilians!
Maya Fey, AKA the Pink Princess, a teenaged girl gunned down in the street while aiding a prosecutor in danger!

INJURED
Barnaby Brooks Jr., scorched by enemy lasers while fighting the fires!
Kanaya Maryam, also struck by the enemy's laser weaponry while battling fiercely against many foes!
Manolo Sanchez, suffered a merciless assault which left him poisoned and with broken bones, despite being armed only with his guitar as he saved FURRY PETS from a store!
Nicolas Demidov, who fought nobly in defense of American lives despite his Russian heritage, blasted by laser fire and pierced by a poisoned syringe!
Dorian Gray, treacherously struck down by poison and felled by a broken leg while in the line of duty!

Sweet provided no information on how or when imPort powers might be restored to normal. She also refused to speculate on possible perpetrators of the attack, although suspicion is already focusing on the Soviet Union and anti-imPort extremists. Heropa has already been struck by anti-imPort terrorism this year, with many buildings targeted by the Hornets in February. Sources within the military have stated that whoever is responsible clearly has access to BIZARRE technology and ENORMOUS resources. The government has promised to provide further updates as the investigation develops.

Stay tuned.

HEROES WITH HEART
The following statement made by media darling Barnaby Brooks Jr. (issued the same day as the injured and killed imPort names are leaked) will cycle the national news stations and newspapers:
"Thanks to help from a quick-thinking imPort who kept calm during the chaos, as well as the dedicated medics who gave me a thorough follow-up exam in the aftermath of the attack, I'm grateful to say that I have received a clean bill of health and am fit to resume hero work. Many others, however, were not so fortunate. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, and my thoughts are with the first responders and fire victims, native residents and imPorts alike, who are currently recovering from their injuries. As we come together during this dark time, rest assured that many members of the imPort community are cooperating with local law enforcement in order to expose and apprehend the criminals responsible for this tragedy."

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
As promoted in PEEPLE MAGAZINE:
IMPORT AMBASSADOR Francis Urquart was (non-lethally) captured while Holiday Shopping! Witnessed being very cosy with one of Nonah's natives, highly suspect. Is love in the air for our Nonah Ambassador just in time for Christmas?

Or is this something else?

ALL QUIET ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT
As briefly mentioned on national news outlets and national public radio:
It's been really very quiet.

WHO'S BRITNEY?
As seen on BlueTube:
Native internet celebrity Jon Jonson went viral yesterday when his hysterical, tear-streaked plea to LEAVE THE IMPORTS ALOOOONE garnered much sympathy.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SNOWFLAKE to VIOLENT VIOLET in response to this domestic aggression against imPorts.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.