MASK OR MENACE

POKEMON DIEU
As seen on BlueTube, Rumblr, Bwitter, Deddit:
Pokemon 'Trainer' Caught On Camera Kicking His Pokémon Animal

While it's not uncommon to see local pokemon out, with or without owners in tow, a short video posted by PrettyHax over on BlueTube has become an overnight viral sensation as it calls into question just how these so-called 'trainers' really treat pokemon animals behind closed doors.

It appears to show the younger redhead - whose name is Nikolai, one commenter revealed, who was last seen some months ago- kicking and threatening one of his exhausted animals. While the clip below isn't graphic, it does show the poor animal's reaction is one of fear.

[Below is a video clip that zooms in to show an exhausted weasel-like creature (a sneasel) pushing itself up as Nikolai approaches. It's clear he says something, as a rebellious look crosses the animals face and it seems to snort. A second later, Nikolai kicks the pokemon in the side hard enough for it to stagger back in pain -fear on its face- before raising his hand as if to strike before changing his mind and calling a giant purple ghost (a haunter) into view, and it gives the injured pokemon a lick with an overly large tongue. It ends there.]

PrettyHax noted in the description "I guess those 'trainers' are hiding a far darker reality. :/".

We here certainly think so.

STARKSTRUCK
As seen in tech zines, business magazines, and all forms of news:
Big news this week from tech giant Stark Tech. Earlier in the week, CEO Tony Stark announced plans to start a new multimedia conglomerate that some are calling "StarkTV". Although they have not officially named the brand, the announcement was no surprise to those who've been keeping their fingers on the pulse of the company. CEO Tony Stark laid out a plan for arrival, announcing that the channel would premier in early May, followed by a Virtual Reality option later in the month, for those with the money, and the want, for a fully interactive experience.

At the press conference, Stark had this to say: "If you've ever wanted to feel like you're really on Brain Wady's couch, now you can, with our new Virtual Reality option appearing later this month. You'll be able to feel like you're really in the room, and getting a first-hand experience to every interview, show, and concert. It's the next step to Truly living your entertainment."

SO YOU HAD A BAPH DAY
As seen around the imPort cities:
Take a look at that poster, newly attached to that wall or mailbox or stalled bus. It might be an ad for new celebrity styles, or for a band playing, or for unbuilt condominiums opening in 2021. Seems unremarkable, yet you can't look away. You stare and stare, and the image starts to transform. Black and white swirl in an epic battle, perhaps reminiscent of night and day, until at last you're looking at this.

And one of three things happen. You either feel angry, or impulsive, or inspired. Maybe just minimally, maybe a lot -- really depends on you. As a person.

"I didn't mean to throw that punch," claims recently fired Glamazon employee Ted Talk. "Not at his face, anyway. I don't know what drove me to go back to work and confront my boss like that. I just felt so... Sick of it. Sick of all of it."

INVASIVE COLOGNE PROCEDURE
As read in fashion magazines:
Recent imPort pariah and resident nordic god Woden recently came forward promoting his new clothing line called Tom Fjord, for the fashionable man and woman.

"I wanted my fashion line to be beyond gender," the god said at a press conference, wearing his new Tom Fjord slacks and a sleek, ice-themed shirt. In true fashion, the god showed not a lick of skin. Sensible, but still creepy, somehow.

Rumors are circling that this may be a tie-in to a later initiative by the god, but his lips are as sealed as his helmet seems to be.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SUITABLY SUBDUED BEIGE to LIKE HERBING CATS GREEN.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

WODON'T
As seen on Rumblr and featured in TMI:
hat started out as a Rumblr post has now started to receive attention in gossip magazines across the country. Rumblr user "BeetSalad" posted a lengthy, detailed writeup of the true identity of the masked import, Woden. Comparing multiple appearances by both Woden and Bruce Wayne, the user came up with a detailed theory that the import has is moonlighting as Woden to allow him the chance to "act out his capitalist fantasies", pointing out that most wealthy businessmen do the same amounts of cocaine as Woden does.

TMI picked up the story, and while Bruce Wayne appears to be in a "coma", Woden seems to have been also mysteriously absent from the public eye, at least until recently. Could he have woken up and has he been deceiving us all? We sent a message to Woden's press staff, but they've, as always, offered no comment on the God's identity, citing that Woden is Woden, and there's no identity to find beneath the mask.

WHO STAYS WHO PORTS WHO TELLS YOUR STORY
As seen in newspapers in De Chima, Heropa, Maurtia Falls, Nonah:
Governors of imPort states have all signed identical bills, as written by their state legislations, to siphon funds away from their respective state's historical preservation sites to pay for an imPort Memorial Garden. It will be a lush location on the outskirts of Heropa, which will be constructed and then maintained with these funds, and is created with the intent to celebrate the memories of imPorts who have been exported out. Remaining imPorts can make shrines, art, or whatever (that will be under the protection of the garden, and thus these four joint states) to tell the story of their exported compatriots.

YOU CAN ONLY FAIL UP, UP, AND AWAY!
As seen on national news broadcasts and via Bwitter:
MUSEUM OF IMPORT FAILURE? An anonymous billionaire has floated an interest in building a moveable museum dedicated to the most hilarious cringe moments of imPort history, for touring display. But this unknown benefactor is interested in specifically the imPort perspective on imPort failure -- a column for imPort suggestion will be channeled through Bwitter (be sure to suggest only from your verified accounts, imPorts). What is your community's greatest fiasco? The sharpest plunge from grace? What villainous terror ended up terribly wrong for the wrongdoer?

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from FALLEN STAR OCHRE to SILVER FOX in honor of Nonah.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.