THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 20TH, 2018

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 20TH, 2018Despite the chaos, horror, and rumors running amok thanks to ImPorts Gone Strangely Bad, the ImPort Swearing In has thrived as expected. Voting for the new Ambassador will continue as scheduled. Moving forward is an important quality inherent to the ImPort community; while many are lost or never returned, the people as a whole march forward.

POKEMON DIEU
As seen on BlueTube, Rumblr, Bwitter, Deddit:
Pokemon 'Trainer' Caught On Camera Kicking His Pokémon Animal

While it's not uncommon to see local pokemon out, with or without owners in tow, a short video posted by PrettyHax over on BlueTube has become an overnight viral sensation as it calls into question just how these so-called 'trainers' really treat pokemon animals behind closed doors.

It appears to show the younger redhead - whose name is Nikolai, one commenter revealed, who was last seen some months ago- kicking and threatening one of his exhausted animals. While the clip below isn't graphic, it does show the poor animal's reaction is one of fear.

[Below is a video clip that zooms in to show an exhausted weasel-like creature (a sneasel) pushing itself up as Nikolai approaches. It's clear he says something, as a rebellious look crosses the animals face and it seems to snort. A second later, Nikolai kicks the pokemon in the side hard enough for it to stagger back in pain -fear on its face- before raising his hand as if to strike before changing his mind and calling a giant purple ghost (a haunter) into view, and it gives the injured pokemon a lick with an overly large tongue. It ends there.]

PrettyHax noted in the description "I guess those 'trainers' are hiding a far darker reality. :/".

We here certainly think so.

STARKSTRUCK
As seen in tech zines, business magazines, and all forms of news:
Big news this week from tech giant Stark Tech. Earlier in the week, CEO Tony Stark announced plans to start a new multimedia conglomerate that some are calling "StarkTV". Although they have not officially named the brand, the announcement was no surprise to those who've been keeping their fingers on the pulse of the company. CEO Tony Stark laid out a plan for arrival, announcing that the channel would premier in early May, followed by a Virtual Reality option later in the month, for those with the money, and the want, for a fully interactive experience.

At the press conference, Stark had this to say: "If you've ever wanted to feel like you're really on Brain Wady's couch, now you can, with our new Virtual Reality option appearing later this month. You'll be able to feel like you're really in the room, and getting a first-hand experience to every interview, show, and concert. It's the next step to Truly living your entertainment."

SO YOU HAD A BAPH DAY
As seen around the imPort cities:
Take a look at that poster, newly attached to that wall or mailbox or stalled bus. It might be an ad for new celebrity styles, or for a band playing, or for unbuilt condominiums opening in 2021. Seems unremarkable, yet you can't look away. You stare and stare, and the image starts to transform. Black and white swirl in an epic battle, perhaps reminiscent of night and day, until at last you're looking at this.

And one of three things happen. You either feel angry, or impulsive, or inspired. Maybe just minimally, maybe a lot -- really depends on you. As a person.

"I didn't mean to throw that punch," claims recently fired Glamazon employee Ted Talk. "Not at his face, anyway. I don't know what drove me to go back to work and confront my boss like that. I just felt so... Sick of it. Sick of all of it."

INVASIVE COLOGNE PROCEDURE
As read in fashion magazines:
Recent imPort pariah and resident nordic god Woden recently came forward promoting his new clothing line called Tom Fjord, for the fashionable man and woman.

"I wanted my fashion line to be beyond gender," the god said at a press conference, wearing his new Tom Fjord slacks and a sleek, ice-themed shirt. In true fashion, the god showed not a lick of skin. Sensible, but still creepy, somehow.

Rumors are circling that this may be a tie-in to a later initiative by the god, but his lips are as sealed as his helmet seems to be.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SUITABLY SUBDUED BEIGE to LIKE HERBING CATS GREEN.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[baphlement]

[sanguinespell]

not bad for the first push

[baphlement]

I'm glad you approve. No word from REGGIE because he's a SLACKER.

video

[halloflamer]

[One of "those Pokémon trainers" doesn't look too pleased, huh?]

Who's hiding?

text

[girlybruiser]

"Like herbing cats green"?
What does that mean?

text

[sleight_of_hand]

I think they might have meant "herding cats"?

text

[girlybruiser]

A strange typo.
But I don't understand what that means for the Homeland Security Advisory System?

text

[sleight_of_hand]

tbf the Advisory System has some pretty weird colors.
I wouldn't read too much into it.

[baphlement]

It's 4/20.

HERBing, get it?

[girlybruiser]

Is this date special?
I don't, sorry.

[baphlement]

oh no

I HAVE TAINTED YOU.

Voice

[namesaquestion]

[What.]

What the furret?!

[It's a good thing this is voice, or everyone would be treated to a rather pale, if not furious Nikolai. At least the tone of voice only carries anger.]

The furret is this? That was a training session for a new catch from the wild and how I treat my property is no-one's business but mine.

[On some level, he knows this is bad. B A D.]

video

[halloflamer]

Like father like son, huh?

[Blue digs a hand in his spiky dumb hair] .....I guess I have no choice.

Perma voice

[namesaquestion]

[So much anger in his voice. So much denial.]

I'm not like him!

vid/action kukukuku

[halloflamer]

You're exactly like him.

[Blue's voice, his expression, is probably sharper than it's ever been, to anyone on this network (except Red, of course). He closes his eyes with a deep. sigh.]

Whatever, reasoning with you is pointless. De Chima park. One hour.

Don't run away like your coward pops did, loser.

Voice

[ghoulking]

If you really think you did nothing wrong, why are you so angry, Nikolai?

Voice

[namesaquestion]

Because it makes me look like something I'm not!

Voice

[ghoulking]

And what does it make you look like?

Video

[drivesadesk]

Your property?

[This is the real Jonathan, he just figures he'll be more intimidating out of his skin suit.]

Re: Video

[namesaquestion]

[WTF - Arceus on a spoink, Niko's never been more happy to keep his end Voice.]

Tch. Yes. Licences are needed to own and train pokemon.

video

[h2no]

[one day... can there be one day without this bullshit? he has to resist the urge to facepalm throughout this entire thing, though opts to try the Responsible PR route. anyone who probably even remotely knows archie can probably guess how hard being rational about this is for him.]

Nothing's being hidden. Niko is a massive outlier in how he treats his team and believe me, we are really tryin' to get him to change. This sort of shit would get your license taken off you back home and your team confiscated, not to mention being socially vilified for it.

[god he wants to yell at that prettyhax person so fuckin bad]

...It's not as simple as just taking them off him, unfortunately, but it's not something that'll continue.

private/video

[halloflamer]

[Weary ass senpai is in a fight but this is more important. So;]

You know where he is?

Re: private/video

[h2no]

[no listen this is serious this actually matters]

No, but if you challenge him he'll probably go anywhere you want him to.

Re: video

[alcheregis]

How much of an outlier is he truly though, if it seems like so many of you knew about this but nothing was done?

Re: video

[h2no]

[his tone is a little testy.]

He was recently Ported back in after being gone for a couple months. When he was here last, we were actually making progress. No-one expected him back, nor with a new Pokémon.

I also literally said we were trying to reel him in? I wish life was easy enough to watch him all the time to make sure he didn't get a chance to do anything like this.