04 | text

[deadtective]

[alright, maybe this isn't entirely a text post. it starts out with a video, which is surprising considering who it's coming from - but there's no need to be excited, as the camera is filming nothing but sky. when an unseen person suddenly slaps a piece of paper down on top of the lens, even the hand is obscured by what's being shown. Hazel knows what she's on about.

the paper in question is a freshly minted detective's license bearing the name of one Hazel Lockwood. it sits there for several moments, like she wants everyone to drink it in, before Hazel cuts the feed and switches over to text.]

Well everyone, here it is: proof that they will let you do literally anything regardless of how well qualified you are so long as you're an imPort.

Which is to say, I'm now licensed as a detective in two worlds. If I get arrested after today, it'll be for something amazingly dramatic in the line of duty instead of bureaucratic bullshit. I think that's a fair trade.

If anyone needs any investigative work done, I'm ready to take on what I'm sure will be the total deluge of offers. I have no business cards and no way to verify any of my skills, but what I do have are flexible morals and a full twenty-four hours available to me thanks to insomnia. I only take cash.

Any complaints can be shunted off to Kaneki for enabling me to pass that goddamn test in the first place. Speaking of, Kaneki!!! I do actually have a thank you gift!! But you need to fill out a survey first.

Also obligatory hello to the new people, if only because you're clogging up the network again. I'm not someone anyone wants to know, but it feels a little silly to ignore you guys. So, hey! :D

Comments

[rockpun]

hey sorry i know i dont know you but hazels trying to convince me that we dont know each other on the basis that shes less likely to be a smartass if shes pleased with herself. im pretty sure a detective should be familiar with the concept of abundant evidence but im just double checking with someone who actually knows her: shes a total smartass basically all the time, right?

[hypnotherapy]

I'm beginning to believe that being a smartass is her main power source.

So in less obtuse wording, you're correct.

[rockpun]

awesome, thanks for the help. god, its good to get a straight answer out of somebody here for once. especially about her.

[rockpun]

follow-up question because she insists on lying to me: you two are actually friends, right?

[hypnotherapy]

With the way we bicker and the way I keep interrupting her conversations, we might as well be at this point.

Oh, also, we play video games, and it's sort of hard to play video games locally with someone you really dislike, so I'll take a guess and assume we're friends.

[deadtective]

YOU'RE A FUCKING BULLSHIT LIAR IT IS SO EASY TO STOMP ON SOMEONE YOU HATE IN CYBERSPACE

[hypnotherapy]

There is a time in everyone's life where if you keep routinely playing with the same person because you dislike them so much and spending hours of your time attempting to crush them, it's time to re-evaluate how you prioritise and define relationships.

[deadtective]

REVENGE SHOULD ALWAYS BE A TOP PRIORITY

[Hazel put down the caps lock you're not convincing anyone of your point here...]

[hypnotherapy]

I don't know about that. I'm all for revenge, but when it starts taking up most of my time for things I actually enjoy doing, then I think it's time to step back a little!

Or a lot! [ Magicman, you piece of shit. ]

[deadtective]

Dude you don't even take up a third of my time, I have the entire twenty-four hour cycle to dick off in. Stop trying to make yourself sound important!!!

[hypnotherapy]

I was making a general statement, but it's nice to know I'm present in your thoughts every day to some degree, I suppose.

[deadtective]

YOU'RE NOT THAT'S THE POINT

[hypnotherapy]

But 'you don't even take up a third of my time' implies that I at least occupy some space in that twenty-four hour cycle, doesn't it?

[ Magicman enjoys these conversations so much. ]

[deadtective]

I'm being generous about the five minutes (at MOST) that might crop up if I see your dumb ass on the network.

[hypnotherapy]

But that's still five minutes or less of your precious, precious twenty-four hours, isn't it.

Also, I know my human body's memory is faulty, but I'm fairly certain playing video games takes a lot longer than five minutes.

[deadtective]

I make up for it later with multitasking.

Those sessions don't count because it's not every night.

[hypnotherapy]

My point still stands: you spend at least a little time thinking of me. Very courteous of you.

It's still a regular routine. My pedantic self would say it counts.

[deadtective]

I spend just as much time thinking about whether or not today's a recycling night. It's not impressive.

We talked about this and how your pedantic self needs to fuck off already.

[rockpun]

this is literally how friends and/or friendly rivals talk to each other, bee tee dub.

[deadtective]

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN THE GARBAGE DUMP KNOW ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

[rockpun]

its called maurtia falls, hazel.

[deadtective]

Like you could get a house in a city that nice!!!!

[rockpun]

we met outside a wawa there?? you are really committed to this, arent you? its almost impressive.

[deadtective]

Just because you were in a place doesn't mean you live there. Unless you're camping out in that dinky convenience store after all.

[rockpun]

im an import you nerd-lord, what makes it so hard to believe id be assigned to a place in maurtia falls? i didnt start asking how you could ever find a place outside of the hospital you should still probably be in while you recover from your massive injuries.