04 | text

[deadtective]

[alright, maybe this isn't entirely a text post. it starts out with a video, which is surprising considering who it's coming from - but there's no need to be excited, as the camera is filming nothing but sky. when an unseen person suddenly slaps a piece of paper down on top of the lens, even the hand is obscured by what's being shown. Hazel knows what she's on about.

the paper in question is a freshly minted detective's license bearing the name of one Hazel Lockwood. it sits there for several moments, like she wants everyone to drink it in, before Hazel cuts the feed and switches over to text.]

Well everyone, here it is: proof that they will let you do literally anything regardless of how well qualified you are so long as you're an imPort.

Which is to say, I'm now licensed as a detective in two worlds. If I get arrested after today, it'll be for something amazingly dramatic in the line of duty instead of bureaucratic bullshit. I think that's a fair trade.

If anyone needs any investigative work done, I'm ready to take on what I'm sure will be the total deluge of offers. I have no business cards and no way to verify any of my skills, but what I do have are flexible morals and a full twenty-four hours available to me thanks to insomnia. I only take cash.

Any complaints can be shunted off to Kaneki for enabling me to pass that goddamn test in the first place. Speaking of, Kaneki!!! I do actually have a thank you gift!! But you need to fill out a survey first.

Also obligatory hello to the new people, if only because you're clogging up the network again. I'm not someone anyone wants to know, but it feels a little silly to ignore you guys. So, hey! :D

Comments

[deadtective]

One of the first sections on that test was sarcasm preparedness. You had no chance.

Thanks, although it's totally not going to change anything. I have a method and I'm sticking to it; you or anyone else can pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

[rockpun]

yeah, maybe take better care of yourself? otherwise thats going to become literal and let me tell you im not a fan of people i like dying. throw as much garbage at me as you want, thats not gonna make me happy about you getting stabbed in an alleyway.

hold on, did all that actually happen? it sounds like i had a really messed up dream.

[deadtective]

Maybe you want to check and see how much sleep you've been getting lately? Because I'm preeeetty sure we've never met before.

[rockpun]

okay either youre messing with me or ive been working too hard, but since i can read the rest of the conversations here to get an idea of the kind of person you are (a little shit), im going with you messing with me, lockwood.

[deadtective]

That's just silly and frankly a little offensive. Why would I do something like that on such a big day for me?

[because you're a snarky little shit, Hazel, that's why.]

[rockpun]

because being a wiseass doesnt take holidays? honestly i think youd be MORE likely to do this stuff when youre already extremely pleased with yourself.

[deadtective]

And I guess that's all the proof we need that you've never met me before. Any of my three friends will testify that I would never do a thing like that.

[rockpun]

and if i actually did ask one of them? wonder what theyd say. ill check with film noir guy up there.

[deadtective]

Film noir guy isn't my friend. Nice try, but still wrong!

[rockpun]

well whatever too late now, guess im making a new friend. cant believe you only have three friends around here, though. you throw knives in the garbage and then that garbage at people, youre just so charming.

[deadtective]

I like to keep a close social circle for ease of access. It's a shame to deny myself to so many people, but that's just how it is.

[rockpun]

yeah i guess it would really put a damper on your business if people knew who you were.

[deadtective]

Considering the amount of breaking and entering I'm expecting to be doing? Yeah, absolutely.

[rockpun]

granted most of my knowledge of detectivery comes from novels about a dude who burns down half the buildings he enters but im pretty sure detectives have some sort of book they need to do things by. otherwise you definitely shouldnt have a license.

[deadtective]

Yeah, we do. The book is called Can't Reach The Truth Without Broken Windows.

[rockpun]

suddenly really glad you ended up not taking me up on the offer to crash on my couch. i dont think i want you knowing where i live.

[deadtective]

Oh, did you ask Other Hazel to stay with you? That's pretty dangerous to offer strangers.

[rockpun]

yeah, especially strangers i caught throwing a knife away after getting stabbed with it. i admire your commitment to the bit.

[deadtective]

The truth is always worth full commitment. Except when it's not.

[rockpun]

not worth full commitment or not the truth?

[deadtective]

Yes.

[rockpun]

i have no idea what i expected.

[deadtective]

You have no one to blame but yourself.

[rockpun]

i feel like i could blame you pretty easily on this one, actually.

[deadtective]

If you want to be wrong, sure. I'm not going to stop you from shooting yourself in the foot.