Transmission 001 | video

[boneitis]

[The vid feed is now filled with the image of a dude in a ball cap with some truly magnificent facial hair. Really, his beard is a sight for the ages.]

I’m just gonna call this a comm check. Testing, one-two-three.

So yeah, hi, my name’s Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, call me Joker. I’m a single white male looking for--

[The screen is suddenly filled with static, like it's encountered some kind of interference. It slowly clears, showing Joker's annoyed face again.]

--looking for a decent cell connection, for the love of fuck. I dunno what I was expecting from this ass-backward tech, but apparently it's too much to ask for it to actually work right--

[More static. When the feed comes back in, his face is further away because he's holding the device at arm's length, at an awkward angle like he's looking for a signal.]

Okay, before this piece of shit cuts out on me again, if anybody's seen a guy about this tall,

[He presumably gestures to indicate height, but since it’s off-camera it’s exactly zero percent helpful.  Good job, Joker.]

perpetually pissed-off expression, can't grow anything more than a five o'clock shadow to save his life, says 'I should go' a lot? Send him my way and keep him away from any and all fish tanks. And if anybody else from the Normandy crew sees this,

[His hand turned into a thumb by his ear and little finger by his mouth in the world’s most sarcastic telephone gesture.]

Call m--

[Static.]

Comments

video;

[cartesianspidertank]

[ There is a brief flash of code and popups with red triangles with a big ! in the center on Joker's screen, followed quickly by all of those things disappearing to be replaced by a computer generated image of a little girl appears on Joker's screen. She continues to flicker in and out as before. ]

Hmm, it looks like your device is experiencing some kind of electrical interference! Are you near a power-station or perhaps still near the Porters??

The Porters might cause this kind of problem. I have never experienced problems with the devices myself!!

video

[boneitis]

[He doesn't look really happy when all sorts of shit starts popping up on his screen, and even less so when virtual girl appears. He's seen way too many horror movies that start off like this.]

No shit, but negative on both counts.

[Except for himself, but guess who didn't read their own file very carefully? This guy.]

[There's a brief interruption by static.]

You can get out of my phone now. Kinda rude, y'know, to just jack yourself into somebody's phone.

video

[aggressiveapathy]

Wow. Did you serial murder wifi routers in your past life or something.

video

[boneitis]

That's me, the great destroyer of electronics, because, I dunno, I hate happiness and being able to complete a call as dialed or something.

audio;

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Peter lets out a low whistle. ]

Wow, buddy. Did you wrap your comm in cotton or something?

audio;

[boneitis]

No, it's a piece of--

[There is a long period of static. Let's be real, Peter's not missing anything because nothing of value is being said during that period of time anyway.]

--backwards-ass tech that's about as much use to me as another hole in the head, I don't need to fu-- [static] --with it to make it more useless.

voice;

[whathawksdo]

Fish tanks?

[ Did she hear that right? ]

voice;

[boneitis]

Fish tanks.

[She heard that 100% correctly.]

Shepard's a fish serial killer. His MO is either extreme neglect or flinging himself bodily through the glass, depending on what he's in the mood for.

voice

[stealwithit]

[ All Joker is going to hear from this end for a moment is the sound of Kasumi just

laughing.

But in an almost quiet and very ladylike manner, mind you! ]

Oh, Joker. I've missed you.

And why did you have to remind me about what Shep did to those poor fish? And that poor restaurant?

voice

[boneitis]

Screw the fish and the restaurant, what about what he did to me?

[Joker knows how to keep his prorities straight, or something.]

He used me as bait, Kasumi. Bait! I am way too pretty to be used as cannon fodder. And I never even got that drink he promised me. I suffer on a daily basis from a lack of drinks with tiny umbrellas in them that I don't have to pay for.

video;

[ursawhiner]

There's been a lot of swearing on the network lately. And what does this guy do to fish?

video;

[boneitis]

Cold-blooded fish murder, mostly.

video

[darwinatrix]

[The tall woman has a severe expression on her face as she looks down at the communicator.] Shepard.

You know him, Flight Lieutenant?

video

[boneitis]

[Oh, that is not a good expression. That's not a good expression at all, especially not when someone's asking about his CO who had a tendency to walk into fancy places and leave them shot up and partly on fire.]

Shit, what did he do this time?

video

[wasnever]

Any chance that this would be the kind of guy to keep a pet hamster?

video

[boneitis]

Is it a space hamster?

[VIDEO]

[calibrating]

Having some technical difficulties there, Moreau?

[Says the guy who really doesn't want to admit he can't control his little metal problem.]

[VIDEO]

[boneitis]

[There is a long, staticky pause.]

[That's Garrus. It's right down to the stupid face markings and busted side, but last he checked, Garrus is 100% USDA certified dead.]

Okay, fuck you, fuck you real hard. This isn't funny.

[DIAL TONE]

voice;

[sassguard]

Do I really say it that much?

voice;

[boneitis]

If I had a credit every time you said 'I should go' and awkwardly left the conversation, I wouldn't need the Alliance to pay me.

[Okay, slight exaggeration, but only slight.]

So, yeah. You kinda do.

video;

[bratziska]

Have you considered moving to an area with better reception?

( She wonders where he, exactly, he'd have to be to be having this kind of trouble. )

video;

[boneitis]

Uh, yeah, that was the first thing I did. I can't get away from it, whatever the source is.

[That's because the source is literally him and he just doesn't know it yet. Turns out that superpowers have their downsides, and this is his.]

video

[justimom]

Are you certain it is the technologies fault you are having such difficulties? [ Is that Samara partially teasing? Maybe. Or maybe not. ]

video

[boneitis]

Uh.

[What is this, a reunion of everybody whose name is on the All Our Friends are Dead wall? First there's Garrus, then apparently Kaidan's around, and now Samara.]

[The only reason he's not hanging up right now is because no one would really be stupid enough to impersonate a justicar, right? Like, that is epic levels of stupid.]

Hey, Samara. I, um--

[Static. Joker's never been so grateful for interference; he needed a second to get over his moment of what the fuck.]

I don't think this is because of me, if that's what you're implying.

video

[mousquetaire]

[ Well.

Astonishingly, here is a person even worse with technology than d'Artagnan. Imagine that. He can't quite help teasing. ]

I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I can't hear you over device's complaints. It sounds like you're hurting it, at this point.

video

[boneitis]

[He really isn't normally this bad with tech. This is, like, the worst day ever for Joker and using basic technology at a slightly higher skill level than a senile grandmother.]

[And literally everyone has commented on his terrible reception. Making fun of him for his shitty reception is officially Old.]

I said, eat me.

Video

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

[Jacob is amused.]

Welcome to the nuthouse, Joker. Guess we're all lucky that the Normandy responds to you better than that communicator does. Not sure we would have made it past Omega, otherwise.

Video

[boneitis]

Great, my reception is shitty, you're hilarious and I've heard that about a million times already. I'm gonna need like 90% less bullshit for a second, because I need to know what the hell is going on here.

[Why is he seeing dead people, Jacob.]

So, Garrus, Samara, and Kaidan. They're actually, y'know, here and not, like, clones or something, right? Because we already did the clone thing and I'm really not up for Normandy Clones Two: Electric Boogaloo.

video;

[flamels]

Assuming you mean Shepard, yes, he's here somewhere. But do I want to know on the fish?

[Here is a brat that sounds far too amused at this. More ammo for teasing? Yes. Even if he is human, the gold eyes and hair tend to make him stand out somewhat all the same, not to mention the metal peeking around the sleeveless singlet he's wearing.]

video;

[boneitis]

[Joker is about 5000% all for giving brats ammunition to mess with Shepard.]

Shepard is the great destroyer of fish. He has a one hundred percent casualty rate in his own fish tank, and he took a dive through the glass of at least one other.

[He's conveniently leaving out the part where people were shooting at him when he went through the fish tank, but hey. Details.]

Seriously, do not let the man near any aquatic animal you want to keep alive. Fish murder is practically his superpower.

The latest video I'm so sorry

[kanadian]

Joker? Is that really you?

[Of course it is.]

Did you just show up?

video; no worries

[boneitis]

The one and only, accept no substitutes.

[He's kind of been prepped for this by now, so hearing from Major Deadko isn't quite the surprise it would have been. Still weird, but not Twilight Zone-y like it was with Garrus and Samara. Thanks for spacing out the Bruce Willis-ing, he appreciates it.]

Yeah, just rolled in, and I gotta say, I'm not a big fan of our extradimensional vacation spot. Just for the record.

permatext; comm tag is "Tadashi"

[tadeadshi]

[He'd only been scrolling through the network posts but 'Normandy' gets his attention. That's the same crew Kasumi and Jacob are on right?]

I think your Normandy crew found you easy enough here, but if you need help with the comm being stable I can look into it.

What happened with a fish tank?

permatext

[boneitis]

i think it's more a shielding thing than the actual comm connection. somebody probably put shitty rf shielding in this pos and now i'm picking up interference.

as for the fish tank, he fell through it. also he's killed like every fish he's ever had, mostly because he forgets to feed them for like a month and then wonders why they went belly up

our fearless leader, everybody