[video ; 001 - backdated to block party on the 10th]

[crotchstallion]

[The feed comes on to a guy with a face on his face - no worries everyone, it is still his face. Just a better looking incarnation of it. Most people, rest assured, do not want to see the face underneath. Promise. Swear to god. He would cross himself if necessary to reiterate the sincerity of this point. Ain't nobody got time for that - that being the face underneath his mask.

He's got one of the welcome brochures in hand, fanning himself with it. Sure, he was hanging out in a vault filled with lava last place he was, but that doesn't make mid-summer humidity any less oppressive.]

That's a cute little barbecue going outside. Kudos government, nice little hands-on-hands-off way you got. I've only heard stories about Earth, but wow, it's cute! Like some kitschy tourist attraction, the whole thing. It's kind of funny to think about it - this is where it all began! - and to see it in person?

[Haha! Just really something special!]

Now, on a normal day I'd love to be out there shaking hands with all of my new neighbors -[!!! So exciting how fun!!]-, Doctor's orders: As little crazy partying as possible. Still have some wounds healing from the whole imPort-nanite-process-dealy. [He's all hand gestures and cute facial expressions.]

Just the average physical consequence when you're being a hero - saving the world and all that? Just comes naturally to ol' Handsome Jack here.

Oh, yeah, Handsome Jack by the way. I'm sure it'll be great to meet all your precious faces with your lovely personalities from all your different home worlds... We're gonna have a great time. Later taters!

[It seems like he's being this giant sarcastic asshole with some of the inflections in his voice, but his facial expressions and body language are all 100% genuine. He just sounds like that. He's got some problems, he's workin' through it. With a wave goodbye, he clicks off the feed.]

Transmission 001 | video

[boneitis]

[The vid feed is now filled with the image of a dude in a ball cap with some truly magnificent facial hair. Really, his beard is a sight for the ages.]

I’m just gonna call this a comm check. Testing, one-two-three.

So yeah, hi, my name’s Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, call me Joker. I’m a single white male looking for--

[The screen is suddenly filled with static, like it's encountered some kind of interference. It slowly clears, showing Joker's annoyed face again.]

--looking for a decent cell connection, for the love of fuck. I dunno what I was expecting from this ass-backward tech, but apparently it's too much to ask for it to actually work right--

[More static. When the feed comes back in, his face is further away because he's holding the device at arm's length, at an awkward angle like he's looking for a signal.]

Okay, before this piece of shit cuts out on me again, if anybody's seen a guy about this tall,

[He presumably gestures to indicate height, but since it’s off-camera it’s exactly zero percent helpful.  Good job, Joker.]

perpetually pissed-off expression, can't grow anything more than a five o'clock shadow to save his life, says 'I should go' a lot? Send him my way and keep him away from any and all fish tanks. And if anybody else from the Normandy crew sees this,

[His hand turned into a thumb by his ear and little finger by his mouth in the world’s most sarcastic telephone gesture.]

Call m--

[Static.]