[video ; 001 - backdated to block party on the 10th]

[crotchstallion]

[The feed comes on to a guy with a face on his face - no worries everyone, it is still his face. Just a better looking incarnation of it. Most people, rest assured, do not want to see the face underneath. Promise. Swear to god. He would cross himself if necessary to reiterate the sincerity of this point. Ain't nobody got time for that - that being the face underneath his mask.

He's got one of the welcome brochures in hand, fanning himself with it. Sure, he was hanging out in a vault filled with lava last place he was, but that doesn't make mid-summer humidity any less oppressive.]

That's a cute little barbecue going outside. Kudos government, nice little hands-on-hands-off way you got. I've only heard stories about Earth, but wow, it's cute! Like some kitschy tourist attraction, the whole thing. It's kind of funny to think about it - this is where it all began! - and to see it in person?

[Haha! Just really something special!]

Now, on a normal day I'd love to be out there shaking hands with all of my new neighbors -[!!! So exciting how fun!!]-, Doctor's orders: As little crazy partying as possible. Still have some wounds healing from the whole imPort-nanite-process-dealy. [He's all hand gestures and cute facial expressions.]

Just the average physical consequence when you're being a hero - saving the world and all that? Just comes naturally to ol' Handsome Jack here.

Oh, yeah, Handsome Jack by the way. I'm sure it'll be great to meet all your precious faces with your lovely personalities from all your different home worlds... We're gonna have a great time. Later taters!

[It seems like he's being this giant sarcastic asshole with some of the inflections in his voice, but his facial expressions and body language are all 100% genuine. He just sounds like that. He's got some problems, he's workin' through it. With a wave goodbye, he clicks off the feed.]

Comments

video;

[ursawhiner]

Are you... trying to sell us something?

[This nerd has a hat, Jack. And a kitten, for some reason.]

video; this asshole is like "look here I am giving you a compliment do u see how great i am"

[crotchstallion]

[What is that small creature and how is it not trying to kill you--]

Only my winning personality. Speaking of, nice headgear, kid. You've got good taste. [Would look better in yellow, but blue is... okay.]

[ursawhiner]

Headgear--? Oh, you mean, my hat. Thanks, I guess.

And no offense, but you kind of sound like a con man. [And Dipper knows con men.]

permavid;

[nostalgiabomb]

[ "Where it all began," huh? ]

So which neck of the galactic woods are you from, then?

permavid;

[crotchstallion]

Well, it's really more like the ass of it, but home is whatever overused idiom you want to spin for.

[He tries to think back from all those stories in his schoolboy days. Way to take him back. Hummm...] I was helping rebuild a planet called Pandora. Place was... [ he whistles. You know the kind. ] Well, not the place you wanna honeymoon, let's say that.

video

[glitterateur]

If it was really like a tourist trap there'd be way more gift shop! Like instead of the planet being mostly ocean it'd be mostly puma shirts and panther shirts and some magnets. [Get your tourist trap facts right, Jack.]

Anyway hi welcome to Earth!

video

[crotchstallion]

[But there's not desert and monsters and murderers running around everywhere, and it just seems so kitschy!!]

Aw, thanks. Hey, here's an idea - vendor stalls on floating devices. Really maximize the usage of surface area you know? Weather permitting, of course. [Like he's an idiot and doesn't know about things like science. Ha. Psh. He knows that's unrealistic. This is just a fun back-and-forth he's trying to keep going.]

video

[dullsilence]

Hey, wait.

I thought you died. [ TACTFUL

look at that bright red :| of disapproval ]

action/video

[crotchstallion]

[The rage screams are so loud that they can probably be heard outside.

Just gotta get it all out.

All of it.

Phew. Deep breath.]

[He clicks on the video and his smile this time is the fakest fake to ever fake.]

Well! Fancy seeing YOU here! [Haha ha. Hahaha. Haaaaaaaa.] We should catch up. You been up to much since last time I saw you?

[He knows well enough this is a public channel and while he could go to private, he believes wholeheartedly that the scum speaking would not have the courtesy to reciprocate their exchange privately. So just all fake pleasantries.]

video

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

I have questions. Like. Three questions.

video

[crotchstallion]

[One single clap and then finger guns.]

Alright, hit me! Question number one is...

[itistolaugh]

[ Kitschy tourist attraction? Must be Florida. ]

Well howdy, neighbor! Welcome to Heropa.

[crotchstallion]

[Hello cutie pie.]

Thank you! Man, everyone here is just a ray of sunshine, but you just shine brighter than the rest. [A-wink. So smooth.]

video;

[brushoff]

Handsome Jack? Isn't that a little bit too on the nose?

video;

[crotchstallion]

Or maybe it's just right? Huh? [He just nods because yeah, you can't convince him otherwise. His life, his name, his rules, son.

Wait that was a compliment wasn't it - way to go, way to blow it, Jack. Wow. Get it together.

Ahem. He preens a bit now.]

Though I have been known to go by Jack exclusively on occasion. [Nice save.]

video;

[textualhealing]

[Pfft, what even is that named. Whatever, video feed right back to show a face that's not on a face. It's just a face.]

Hi, Handsome Jack. I'm Handsome Jeff. What're the odds, huh?

[:D!]

video;

[crotchstallion]

[Yeah you are. Great jaw, perfect teeth. Dayum, atoms collided in just the right way for this man.

He laughs, a very "oh you!" kind of laugh.]

I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't seeing with my own two eyes! [Also good job, you are now Handsome Jeff in his mind for the rest of your unnatural lives here.]

video; were you ready? i hope you're ready

[promotional]

Jack!

[He didn't think it through. He didn't stop, pause, and let his mind do any work before pressing the button to turn on video and connect. Rhys' brain must've flown out the window, because approximately two seconds later it's soaking in how very much he shouldn't be doing this.

Ever so much.]

How did you-- you're-- whoa. You're not-- how did you... because you don't look like...

[Yanno. A hologram.]

video; i was born ready...

[crotchstallion]

[ECHOeye. Instantly his hackles are up and he's suspicious, especially after certain elusive emoticon-using trash decided to make themselves known.]

So casual there, sport. Jack. [The mimickry is almost patronizing, especially with the way he smiles.]

I'm not all in one piece? Come on, you read the brochure too, right? [He waves it around, like some mystical text that held all the answers.]

Nice eye. Hyperion issued, if I recall correctly. [He is sizing you up so hard right now Rhys.]

permavideo;

[worstever]

[Ignoring the vast majority of this verbose message (which seems to be 60% brag, 35% banter, 5% substance):]

You from one of the off-Earth colonies?

[Hey, he's met some aliens so far here, but so far not many other humans from space.]

permavideo;

[crotchstallion]

[Initially he is a bit leery of this particular party, the suit being similar enough to certain Vault Hunters who destroyed his life but shall remain nameless Zer0coughahem - BUT, the fact that he has no idea who Jack is or for that matter anything else he's familiar by association, those suspicions subside enough for him to be personable.]

That is correct! Though probably not one you're familiar with if you're asking. [Because he's kind of a big deal, and the look on his face says just as much.]

Video..............

[shiniestmeatbicycle]

[Oops. That's a familiar mask, isn't it, Jack?

Or...what you can see of it. Doesn't seem like he knows how to work a camera.]

THE FLESH SPLATTERED! YOUR PAIN IS A PLAQUE ON MY WALL!

[That...well, if he MEANT it that was pretty coherent for Krieg.

At least, he SOUNDS angry to see Jack.]

video; ugh why even with your face would you, krieg? what is the point?

[crotchstallion]

[The growl in his throat is a low one! (I'd like to thank the Lost Skeleton for always being an inspiration.) It was bad enough with one, but two is testing his patience...

And Psychos already tested his patience. Well. Usually he just shot them. But, y'know. Gotta play nice.

He just nods. Kermitnod.gif ]

Yeah, it's great to see you too, pal. [Jackass.]

Video

[redplainsrider]

So. "Handsome" Jack. Self-given nickname, reckon?

video

[crotchstallion]

[He snaps his fingers. Shucks.]

Ya caught me. It was originally "Handsome John." [Bad joke is bad and he knows it, sorry not sorry.]