002; audio

[bestever]

Right. Okay. Getting settled in, getting used to the whole "trapped in a new dimension" thing, it's cool. New planet, new house, new body. It's all good!

Except, you know, when it's not. [there's a great, big, dramatic sigh.] Alright, alright, let's get this over with. Long story short, I need somebody who's at least as good with computers with me -- a literal computer, just in case I haven't been clear, here -- to take a look at my systems. You know, just make sure everything is synced up and running smoothly, since I don't know much about interdimensional software compatibility. Maybe get some of this sensory input beyond the basics, while we're at it? Pretty much all I've got is sight and sound, as is. [and somehow, he manages to grumble while simultaneously sounding dejected:] Man, I really wanted to try like, tasting stuff. Food seems frickin great.

[aaaand back on track.] Right, so. What's in it for you? Well, first of all, it's probably the opportunity of a lifetime, or something. I don't know, what are the standard rates for a diagnostic? What is it, like, hourly? I don't know, look, I'll like. Get you a coffee for your trouble, or something.

And before somebody tries to get all smart with that "doctor heal thyself" bullshit, think for a minute about what a terrible goddam idea that would be for brain surgery. Just because I am a program, doesn't mean I can fix one. [given that the last time he tried to mess with his own settings, it... it didn't go well.] Would you want to screw around in your own skull when the damage might be permanent? Yeah. Yeah, didn't think so.

Comments

audio

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

YOU'RE A COMPUTER!?

[Oops, that may have been a bit loud.]

audio;

[bestever]

[... oh, shit. right. the kids.] Uuuuh, sorta. I'm also a person? [his voice dips in pitch and gets a little bit of the goofy spoooOOOOooooOOOOooooky sound effect:] The future is strange and mysterious.

audio;

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

I'll say! Oh my gosh, this explains so much.

audio;

[bestever]

[... actually sorta taken off guard with that one.] Does it? Like what?

not present;

[worstever]

[at least ur not a fukin ghost]

voice

[aggressiveapathy]

...are you Angry Birds comes to vengeful life?

permavoice;

[bestever]

I'm an angry something, I'll tell you that much.

[aggressiveapathy]

Is it pigs?

[bestever]

Huh? The fuck did pigs ever do to you? Nah, pigs are alright. You know what's really fucking scary?

Goats. I swear, there is a reason those fuckers are associated with the devil.

video;

[ursawhiner]

That sucks, man. I know a couple people who might be able to help?

audio;

[bestever]

Oh sh-- [THE KIDS, CHURCH.] Shoot. Really? I mean, hey, I figured this was just a stab in the dark, but if you know a guy... I just wanna know if nachos are as good as I remember, dude.

[ursawhiner]

Nachos are pretty awesome. I'll ask them, see if they can help out. Oh! You also need to eat like, pizza.

[bestever]

Should I ask who they are? That's... kind of ominous, in my experience.

And yeah, trust me. Pizza's on the list. Pretty much anything that's greasy or deep fried? I got a mouth, and no arteries to worry about clogging. Once I get the taste input working, I'm just hitting up the nearest buffet.

video;

[cartesianspidertank]

Am I one of the people?? :D

[ursawhiner]

Definitely! But it might be weird to have another robot working on your brain, right?

[cartesianspidertank]

I think he specifically requested a robot to work on his brain though???

audio;

[cartesianspidertank]

Taste is PRETTY AWESOME YEAH

So like you don't have a human body? I think that's rather atypical??? Usually the Porters slash Lachesis gives imPorts human bodies when they don't otherwise have one LIKE ME.

Anyway I would LOVE to poke around inside your brain it's pretty much MY FAVORITE THING to do. I'm not sure what problems you anticipate having happened though??

audio;

[bestever]

[oh, god. LIKE ME? so what, is this one a robot, and a kid? oh, god.] Hah, yeah. It sure sounds like it. Me, I can't wait to get to try it.

And nope, still all circuits and wires for me. [... and you know what, this one seems innocent enough to warrant some sincerity.] But the last time I had a brand new set of hardware and tried accessing all the, uh... The important stuff that runs it. Source code? [he starts mumbling briefly and inaudibly about hOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS, IT IS HOW YOU WORK???] The last time I fooled around with that stuff, I ended up... Really confused.

audio; private; encrypted

[cartesianspidertank]

Can you be more specific?? What were you transferring from and to, and who was the one that did the transferring?

Did you figure out what the problem was??

AUDIO;

[worstever]

This seems like a bad idea.

audio;

[bestever]

You say that about everything!

audio;

[worstever]

You're offering to let a crowd of strangers tamper with your highly advanced coding. I think it's warranted.

Audio

[megabytes]

So, would you consider yourself a robot, or an AI with a robotic body?

[Important distinction! At least, it is to this AI.]

audio;

[bestever]

The second one, definitely. Seriously, every single solitary time I've had a body? It never ends well!

Perma-audio

[megabytes]

In that case, I might be able to help with anything on the software side. I'm not good with hardware, but I know someone who is, so if you need it I could ask him.

If you've got such bad luck with bodies, why do you keep using them?