TEXT 001, backdated to late last night/early this morning

[moneyballer]

[Around 2 AM, a poorly worded text message makes its way onto the network:]


so
how do u get a kid to put a cucumber in his mouth
wait a minute
this is nut wut it sounds like
lol


[Some letters are written with love or great frustration, but this one in particular was composed by a not-so-anonymous poster who had imbibed copious amounts of alcohol. Have no fear, however- As misleading as this shitty example of a modern "letter" is, Asher means well by it. He's been conspicuously absent from social media as of late, aside from the occasional #gains gym selfie on whatever this world's equivalent of Instagram is.

Anxiety is a bitch, and while his newfound powers could certainly be considered a godsend, his lack of control of them is what worries him most. Will he be the result of another unfortunate tragedy, yet again? Will the results of a mishap be even worse, this time?

He has managed to drink these thoughts away in order to gain more focus of the important things: Namely, how to get two mischievous twins to eat their vegetables.]

Comments

text;

[nagachika]

...

You know what, I'm going to give you full points for trying.

But how about we start this again. How do you What.

[Great first impressions, Asher.]

[text]

[moneyballer]

*her mouth

sry that was a typo

video;

[brushoff]

[ this is the BEST THING EVER as shown by Dorian grinning like a goddamn idiot ]

I do hope this kid is at least a teenager.

text

[moneyballer]

i do nut know but they r vry smol

[inmyothertights]

Oh my god it's you.

text

[moneyballer]

i swear i am nut actually gay

[Nothing about this is helping?!]

text;

[textualhealing]

Why are you even trying to force cucumbers into kids mouths? What is wrong with you?

[moneyballer]

bcuz it's good for them, dickwad

hehe

eff u

[He's going to really regret this in the morning.]

voice

[bindsthedead]

Slice it, and put it in a salad with a dressing they like.

Or just reward them for eating it.

But right now, I think you ought to get some sleep.

text

[moneyballer]

u don't understand!!!! the only dressing they'll accept is frosting and that defeets da purpos

no i can't sleep i don't wnt to slep sleep is bad i'll just party instead

[Text]

[tactile_telekinesis]

dude cucumbers are gross

[moneyballer]

well U sir man are more gross

permatext

[deadtective]

Buy him a drink and ask nicely, usually.

Re: permatext

[moneyballer]

they can't drink they're underage

if i could get them drunk this would be a whole lot easier

[ASHER THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLY WRONG]

text; ID reads Clark Kent

[andaway]

Considering this is a public network I hope you meant that literally.

[moneyballer]

i literally just want to stuff a big fat cucumber down some kid's throat

[Asher, please read the text ID. Please, read it.]

(Text)

[hallowedhorcrux]

What is it supposed to sound like? (Because honestly? It doesn't sound good. Even for Voldemort.)

[moneyballer]

so we meet again

druggie

[orions_shadow]

cucumbers are gross

don't make anyone eat them

[moneyballer]

THEY ARE GOOD FOR UR HEALTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i bet u hav diabetis or somethin

[caerulea]

How old is the kid?

[moneyballer]

y does that matter

r u the police

text

[animalage]

yikes

[moneyballer]

shaggy is that u

where is scooby

what hav u done 2 him

[glowsferatu]

a whole cucumber

[moneyballer]

i'd try 2 but his mouth is 2 smol

text;

[ursawhiner]

Are you talking about me?!

[moneyballer]

ur sister, actually, i misspell id sumthang

you know if u eat ur veggies u'll grow up to be big and strong!!! and something else just might grow up to be big and strong too ;) if u kno wad i mean

[PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT DICKS WITH CHILDREN, SOMEONE CUT HIM OFF!]

text;

[cicatrize]

Are you sure he likes cucumbers? Is he cucumber curious? Are you cucumber curious?

[ he's just here for the dick jokes tbh ]

[moneyballer]

no i am very well versed in cucumbers i have had many in my mouth

i am not just cucumber curious, i am a cucumber expert

video;

[willinglychanged]

[Have a werewolf with an impish grin.]

Just shove the whole damn thing in there an' hope he doesn't choke, man. Always works. [Do you remember him Asher??]

[moneyballer]

can u go away our last conversation made me rly uncomfortable

[That was mostly your fau-]

it felt like i was passing gas, only i wsnt