PSA; video

[snackcakes]

[a video starts of two dumbasses in colorful space armor standing around in downtown de chima]

Hey, everybody. This is Captain Dexter Grif of the popular webseries Red vs. Blue.

And this is Captain Dick Simmons, from the same show, and your local family counselor.

It's almost Halloween, and we here at Red Base want to remind all of you to be safe out there around one of today's most deadly substances.

Candy: the silent killer.

Every year, hundreds of children across the U.S. die in horrible candy related accidents.

Why, when I was a child, I remember my neighbor, little Jimmy Saunders. There he was, with a Bling-Sucker, riding his skateboard. Then, well... I can't even talk about it over the network like this. Poor Jimmy. It's just...too horrible.

If you're a parent, you might be asking yourself what you can do to make sure your kid doesn't end up horrifically maimed or dead or whatever like Jimmy. Well, that's easy.

[pan out to a beautiful cardboard box with a handy opening cut into the side. note the helpful labelling of "candy here" with an arrow pointing up drawn onto the side]

We've gone ahead to do you the favor of collecting the world's resident candy expert and certified candy tester to ensure that the candy you are preparing to give to your children is safe, tasty, and not full of harmful substances, like space-germs or horse meat. So, as this holiday comes around, pre-emptively, empty your bags full of that.. suspicious sugar-monstrosity collection into our convenient treat receptacles, and in 3-5 business days, we'll guarantee a return of the safe and healthy candy you and your children deserve.

Our current locations can be found around De Chima, but we hope to expand to all major cities soon. Be sure to contact us about what you can do to help us expand so that your kids can still have the same trick-or-treat experience they've grown up with, just without the constant worry that that weird old lady down the road laced their chocolate in rat poison or worse.

We appreciate your outreach in making this holiday safe for everyone! Have a good night!

[...there's a brief pause while Simmons goes to cut off the video feed

muffled:]

You so owe me for this, Grif. So much.

[OOC Note: orange is Grif, maroon is Simmons. sorry not sorry.]

Comments

voice

[bestsword]

[What.

The fuck.

Okay something he's gotta clear up first and foremost.]

It sounds stupid when you say it backwards. Blue versus Red is better if you're going to call our group anything.

voice//

[lookingfordaddies]

No way, that sounds dumb as hell! Red is so much more punchy. You have to lead with what's impressive.

[missleadingquestions]

Ohhhh wow.

[Maya recognises one of those voices. It's that one guy who thought she could give him the winning numbers. Ah, that guy.]

That was a super important PSA, guys. You're pretty noble!

[lookingfordaddies]

Thanks for that, ma'am. It's just our civic duty.

[bestsword]

Maya, hey, you should give them all the candy corn you find. Or those little candy pumpkins.

[Candy corn still exists in this universe right? He's never had it but he read stories about how they just recycle the same candy corn for 20 years, that's gotta be real.]

[snackcakes]

Wow, here I am trying to give back to the community, and all I get is sarcasm from someone who pretends to be a psychic on basic cable.

voice

[failureisntachoice]

Are you trying to steal candy from children? You do realize you can go to the store and buy your own, right?

[lookingfordaddies]

Do you realize how rampant diabetes has become in our society?

[snackcakes]

Uh, obviously it's not stealing if they're voluntarily donating it.

video

[pobrecisco]

Why do you want to destroy Halloween.

video

[lookingfordaddies]

This is about preserving it!

permavoice

[bestsword]

Because they're red team. Destroying fun holidays is what they do.

[Honestly this is exactly the kind of stupid shit he needed.]

[snackcakes]

Destroying is when little Bobby gets a snickers full of rat poison. Which is, you know, what we're trying to stop.

But hey, if you hate kids that much, that's your business.

voice

[dreamshades]

[ Boy, does this reek of a petty way to trick children out of candy. It's yawn worthy at best, not that thought out or creative. Still, Peter can have his fun here. Maybe he can get one of them to cry. ]

My I do hope that this Jimmy is just figurative. I mean, any parent and their child experiencing something that's apparently too horrible for words on such a joyous night? Truly a tragedy.

[lookingfordaddies]

That's why it's important we protect our kids from this sweet, sweet threat.

video;

[ursawhiner]

Kind of too late, dude. We've already had at least three candy binges.

[The camera pans down display the wrapper strewn floor.]

[lookingfordaddies]

I guess we'll have to get started earlier next year... What do you think of like, a box-service where you mail us a box of candy every month and we send it back?

voice;

[oldstandard]

You know there are way easier ways to steal candy from children right. Like way easier. By miles.

[snackcakes]

Why does everyone jump straight to the accusations? Is it so hard to believe that someone's trying to do something good for all the children out there?

video

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

So this is why the Blues and Red are fighting! You're candy thieves!

[snackcakes]

No, they just can't accept our totally obvious superiority. And we're not thieves, goddamn.

video;

[bassriff]

Wow, this is sad.

Don't listen to them, peeps! Send your candy to Princess Bubblegum 'til she can't get her door open! Freakin' pile it up! She'll sort out that biz.

[is she trying to turn this ridiculous ploy into a prank

of course]

video;

[sweetarts]

[ Yeah and on a PUBLIC NETWORK? ]

Ignore this.

[beneathbluerafters]

You can't have mine!

[snackcakes]

Uh, chill, man. If you wanna keep it and take your life into your own hands, that's your business.

PERMAVOICE

[worstever]

A lifetime of vaccuuming junk food doesn't qualify as a candy-testing certification.

[snackcakes]

Name one person more qualified for the position than me, I dare you.

video.

[buildsfriends]

I would like some of the candy you get, please.

[snackcakes]

That all depends on if you're willing to help expand my candy empire.

[andgoliath]

You know that as adults, you two can buy your own candy, yes?

[snackcakes]

Sure, but getting it for ourselves isn't providing a public service. [duh]

[voice]; ID reads Kaitou KID

[tuxedo_magician]

I know that I'm a thief, but at least I don't attempt to steal candy from children.

[snackcakes]

For the last time, they're voluntary donations. It's totally different from stealing.

voice; you made a mistake

[bestever]

Wait, you guys knew Jimmy?

[snackcakes]

As a cautionary tale, sure. If you're looking for childhood BFF, that's gonna be Simmons.

[walkingballpit]

Just out of curiosity, there's no booby traps on the boxes, right? That'd be pretty dumb, as exploding kids dropping off their candy would be bad for business.

[ Robbie is trying to gauge the level of caution he needs to use when he throws out those boxes. ]

Anybody can touch the boxes?

[snackcakes]

Why would I want to blow up boxes of candy? Obviously anybody can touch them.

[is this guy stupid what the hell]