DECEMBER 22ND, 2015

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: DECEMBER 22ND, 2015

DRUNK RECENT HISTORY
As seen initially on BlueTube, where the footage was leaked, before all major news networks picked it up:
Cell phone video footage allegedly depicting a barroom brawl between imPorts went viral after it was uploaded to BlueTube last weekend. The video, recorded at The Cantina in Heropa on the night of December 12, begins with a shot of broken glass and a man's voice shouting, "It just exploded! It just [EXPLETIVE] exploded, dude!" The video goes on to depict bottles shattering on shelves behind the bar and general chaos as patrons begin to flee the building. The video fails to capture the faces of the imPorts in question. Witness statements point to the use of some kind of telekinetic power. In addition to glasses and bottles, there was significant damage to the bar's furniture and interior. Police claim no injuries were reported but the suspects are being sought for destruction of property.

HO HO HONESTLY THEY NEED A DRINK LET THEM LIVE
As seen on Lulzfeed and heavily featured within popular Rumblr posts:
A picture depicting two thin, unshaven Santas enjoying beer has gone viral online since earlier this week. Many have manipped the picture to include jokes about SANTA PLEASE DON'T GET DRUNK THIS CHRISTMAS and WHAT MRS. CLAUS DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT HER with a few jabs thrown at various charities most commonly associated with ringing bells at Christmas. A second picture, depicting one of the Santas vomiting in an alley while the other Santa pats his back, has gained the same amount of attention. No one has yet been able to determine who these drunken imposters are, though some claim they must be imPorts. There is a subset of people who are devoted to discovering their identities, as thin Santas are apparently a Christmas wish for them!!

(NOTE: Anyone familiar with Will Graham or Edgar may, after a little squinting, catch onto the charitable culprits.)

DOG'S BEST FRIEND
As seen on BlueTube:
ImPort, zombie survivor AND teenage heartthrob Carl Grimes has made his first post on BlueTube, imploring everyone to consider the responsibilities of adopting a furry friend before taking them home for Christmas, as many of these "gifts" are soon return to shelters not long after adoption.

His fangirls, popularly known as Grimey Gals, furiously support his cause.

CALL IT VISIONARY
As seen on the internet as well as all imPort city newspapers and any television talk covering the matter:
AS PROPHESIED BY THE CLAIRVOYANT --

Now that you've seen the truth of my words, the fires that came to pass, there should be little doubt of the legitimacy of my claims. Unfortunately, once more, I do not come to you bearing good news. An ominous nightmare has been plaguing me for the past several nights.

I've foreseen darkness, so thick and cloying, it swallows everything in its path. Within this darkness, hide and seek becomes dangerous, but getting caught in a game of tag is deadly.

Take great care of yourself during the holiday season, fellow imPorts. For this is the calm before the inevitable storm.

(NOTE: If any players want their specifics foreshadowed by the Clairvoyant, remember to hit up the permissions post!)

DEFINITELY NOT TRUE, DON'T LISTEN
As seen in the 24-hour national news cycle:
Rumors of Lachesis reincarnated as a Russian continue to circulate. An anonymous source in Cyprus claims that he has seen Lachesis himself, and she is much younger than he would think a Fate to be. Another source in Norway contradicts reports of sightings, claiming that Lachesis is not a reincarnated human being, but instead she is a human-looking robot.

GIFT THAT KEEPS REGIFTING
As seen on BlueTube:
Popular video channelists (ages 15 to 35) have made their mark on this season by sending exotic (and sometimes ludicrous) gifts to imPorts. While not all unwanted gifts have been accounted for, a tallied list has been circling Bwitter of people "Port Claiming" imPorts by giving them some "holiday cheer". The up-to-date list is as follows:

XXXSANTOXXX gifted GEORGE O'MALLEY with a George O'Malley ceramic doll.
BAEWATCH gifted KANAYA MARYAM with a set of porcelain forks.
2HOTHOTDAMN gifted BILLY KAPLAN with 2000 black rubber duckies.
ASTRANGEMIND gifted NEWT a year's supply of potato chips.
ILIKEBIGMUTTS gifted KASUMI GOTO with a 2 oz. BRITISH ACCENT BREATH SPRAY
PETE_REPEAT gifted MITCHELL HUNDRED some gum.
THE_REAL_PETE_REPEATREPEAT gifted KAMALA KHAN a red sequined cape.
INERTIA3502 gifted WALLY WEST some nice jarring food.
BUMPINTHENIGHT gifted HARRISON WELLS a collected of antique medical tools dating from 1909.
MILKSHAKE1995 gifted RICK GRIMES a book on good parenting.
INOALLURSECRETS gifted KEN KANEKI a box of pink, brain-shaped candies.
HAWTBOO91 gifted BARNABY BROOKS JR. a plush doll of Kotetsu.
4DALULZ gifted AGENT WASHINGTON 10,000 Washington apples.
SARTEWASRIGHT gifted BLUE SARGENT a blue velvet top hat.
CHEEZWIZ gifted LUKE CASTELLAN a Nico di Angelo action figure.
BORNDISWHEY gifted GLITCH a table shaped like a rocket ship.
BOOKIT gifted ATHOS with five pairs of cashmere socks.
PRETTYINPINK gifted JOEL MILLER with five pairs of golden color contacts (no prescription).
MARRYMEALITTLE gifted RIZA HAWKEYE a pair of taxidermied ospreys.

WRONG MALE, MAN
Children who have the misfortune of spelling "Santa" as "Satan" will probably have their letters delivered to Lucifer. Stay in school, kids.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from VIOLENT VIOLET to PLUM because in the wake of the recent imPort-related domestic horrors and the chaotic holiday spirit, a couple national newscasters plumb forgot to send their reports through the government censors, thus fostering mass delays. Those newscasters have been sent to reeducation camps.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[ text ]

[enucleation]

[ INOALLURSECRETS gifted KEN KANEKI a box of pink, brain-shaped candies. He will be leaving the channelist a message to thank them, BUT MOST IMPORTANT ]

Does anyone want candy?

[ text ]

[glowsferatu]

can it be eaten with a fork
and if not would you care to try anyway

[ text ]

[enucleation]

Why do you want to eat candy with a fork?

[ text ]

[glowsferatu]

because i dont know what else i should do with them
but mostly i think it would just be funny a bit
putting useless gifts together like that

[ Thanks a lot, BAEWATCH. Like INOALLURSECRETS, you have made the tremendous decision of giving someone with a prohibitively abnormal diet something food-related. ]

[bestversion]

omg who got me the cape? It's FANTASTIC. I love it. I especially like the stitching. You have got to show me how to do that!

video

[helpline]

You've got to send us a picture, [ says a man who is way too excited about capes. ]

Re: video

[bestversion]

sure! I could even do a cosplay. but i don't know who would fit this kind of cape.

[helpline]

Make up your own superhero then! Sequin Lass!

video

[huntergames]

Someone got ten thousand apples?! And a year supply of potato chips?!

VOICE

[worstever]

Oh, god.

If you want any apples, tell me now before they go to homeless shelters.

voice;

[oldstandard]

Whoa, whoa, no need to get drastic, it doesn't need to go to charity.

But uh, if you're looking to offload those to make some quick cash, and you're good at not asking questions... I'm not saying I know a guy, but I'm not not saying that.

immediately asks judgmental questions

[worstever]

What kind of life are you leading that you know a shady apple guy?

VOICE

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

Where are you keeping all those apples!?

[worstever]

Whoever "4DALULZ" is thought it would be a nice gesture to have the truck drop them out behind our house.

It's... inconvenient.

voice;

[bassriff]

I'll take some of the red ones? [RED FEAST...RED FEAST...]

[worstever]

Help yourself. Heropa #003. There's plenty of Galas.

text

[112ounces]

please don't name yourself like that girls

[ He doesn't understand how fans work. ]

text (FIVE MINUTES LATER)

[112ounces]

WHO SENT THIS BOOK TO DAD???

[voice]

[puppydoctor]

... Why.

[He just sounds So Very Done.]

Why would anybody make this?

[text]

[timecapture]

So... we're not supposed to listen to rumors of Lachesis? Maybe we really should be looking for her.

[She's not even going to comment on the rest, but rest assured, she is popcorn.giffing.]

video;

[helpline]

[ because the Doctor is rubbish at texting ]

The problem with that is the best way we could look for her is to go to Russia, something that we certainly can't do on our own without causing an international incident. Which, granted, I'm fine with, but others might not be.

[video]

[timecapture]

That's true. It just sounds like it could be really important.

text;

[caerulea]

*Blue* top hat

I'm probably going to decorate it when I get over the "blue" part.

text

[runningstart]

ITS NOT EVEN REAL FOOD
I WAS SO MAD



also what the hell is a reeducation camp

video;

[angelfire]

Everything I never wanted.