maskormenace | APRIL 10TH, 2016

THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2016

HELLO CHAOS, MY OLD FRIEND
As seen in local and national newspapers and heard on news radio:
In the early morning hours of April 18th, several simultaneous explosions rock the financial district of De Chima. Multiple buildings have been rigged with explosives meant to burn bright, green fire for several hours or until manually extinguished. There are about 20 buildings in all, which, when seen from above, form the shape of a question mark. The top and bottom buildings in the question mark pattern have had their windows blown out in the shape of a question mark as well, so even those without a bird's eye view can get the full benefit of the display.

Nearby cars in about a half mile radius of this strange, uncredited performance art have been broken into and filled with green confetti which will prove impossible to get out of upholstery. Each car is also left with a full banner stuffed into it, each one reading a different frustratingly juvenile riddle (the answers are printed helpfully on the back). No cars were damaged beyond the initial break in, unless the car in question had an alarm. Those cars were beaten into silence.

Now you know the sound of silence.

There will be 3 security guards found unconscious in their buildings of employment, but otherwise there were no injuries in the explosions.

#NOTALLTRANSFORMERS
As written about and denoted in popular scientific blogs and heartthrob scientist celebrity magazines like SIGHence:
POWER SURGE at StarkTech! On the evening of April 8th, there was a power surge on the StarkTech campus. The lights inside seemed to flicker, according to reports from the street, while nothing unusual happened elsewhere. StarkTech released a statement the morning after -- that it was a problem with an experimental power source. As most imPorts in the know might know, the CEO of the company designed his own suit of power-armor, and unfortunately, in an effort to improve the technology that powered his suit, he accidentally blew a transformer -- thankfully, the only thing that was ruined was his own suit. But just in case anyone was worried... He has extras.

Fans of former imPort Transformers had taken issue with this news break until clarification was offered.

DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM OF A DOWN
As read in the local Nonah press with camera footage and photographs on social media:
NONAH, NC - Describing a chaotic scene that resulted in disturbances for members of the public, sources confirmed yesterday that disorder erupted at the checkout desk of Nonah's Public Library after rogue imPort Jonathan Crane clashed with protesting library workers.

"After an hour or so of heated disagreement, the Scarecrow became deadly sober and went around the lobby one by one asking each of us whether our hostility and mistrust of his intellectual pursuits was because of a petty grudge," one commented. "The fact is, we kept trying to inform him the title he wanted had been reserved, but he just fought us all of the time."

"For the love of God, he then continued ranting about how the erosion of literary tradition is to blame for today's cultural decline and lack of intellectual curiosity. He even claimed we were committing sacrilege akin to destroying a temple for displaying popular books over timeless works that catalog the sum of human experience. To be perfectly honest, I just cleared out of the way when he started removing all the staff picks off the shelf and replacing them with good books."

Sources confirmed that the huffy and maniacal imPort was diplomatically appeased in the library's courtyard before being ushered out by fellow imPort and Sulfur Mustard front-man Count Dooku.

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
As seen on social media outlets such as Rumblr and Bwitter:
Fervor surrounding the upcoming FANPORT Convention surges to new heights. ImPort cosplay can be seen trending every day, and so passionate are some of these imPort fans that groups of them have been violently splintering and clashing with "opposing" fans. Aside from the random fisticuffs that could easily break out in an emotionally-charged bar or dance club, you might find the more talented partaking in "Flash Mob Karaoke" scenes composed of individuals all dressed as their favorite imPort surging a populated, serene public area. These are understood to be declarations of battle between warring music groups. A Capella group The Indiscretions of Dorian Gray have begun to perform their bawdy ballads outside of religious institutions. The hobbyist classic rock garage band Dad Jokes have renamed themselves Rick'n'Roll in honor of iconic imPort Rick Grimes, and have recently declared musical war against Soulfur Mustard, a blues cover band of the imPort-led metal group. Beloved imPort Lucy Pevensie has inspired the teenaged punk pop band How Farnia is Narnia with their gently encouraging hit new single "Step Out Of the Closet". Rumor has it that another teenaged coalition wishes to challenge Farnia for their spotlight crown.

You might notice that these typically ignored imPort-inspired bands have begun to attract media attention more and more, which seems to be mostly in due part of FanPort Fever. While no citizen has any issue with musical groups in general, these bands have begun to clash in person, over the internet, and sometimes in newspapers stanning for their most favorite imPorts. A musical shipping war could very well be on the horizon.

SEERIOUS BUSINESS
As read in the monthly publication The Pacific:
Journalist and skeptic Cassandra Ko has written a piece discussing how the rise in the general public's imPort mania has been carefully constructed by the government to distract its citizens from the increasing threat that the USSR poses.

"We only talk of war when it is convenient for the government," she explains within the article. "Why do you think that is?"

WAIT, IT GETS BWITTER
As discussed on Bwitter:
#imPortkin has been trending. It seems that recent controversies surrounding the imPort community have sparked unorthodox support. Some citizens appear convinced that they have a special connection to the more perceived-as-persecuted imPorts.

CLASSY-FIED
As briefly noted in all major newspapers and all major networks:
Trial for treasonous individuals within President Freemason's cabinet will begin. The information involving all parties, to include the defendants, is closed to any media circuit.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SPRING GREEN to ORANGE, because orange you glad we didn't say banana.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I hadn't known you were such a connoisseur of music. Perhaps you ought to review these rival bands?

I've got my own band, Fred, of course I'm a connoisseur! Dorian Gray and the Hedonists—we've unfortunately fallen by the wayside a bit due to that whole Russian nonsense, but who knows, now might be the time for a revival.

I was wondering why I've never heard of your lot.

[Was that a bit mean? Well Dorian had called him Fred.]

I'd be more willing to blame the fact that you don't have good musical taste—we were in-house entertainment for Lucifer's rockin' New Years Eve. [ that wasn't the name of the program. ]

Your perception of what is factual appears to suffer distortion.

[Frederick Chilton is counted among those who Have A Low Opinion Of Lucifer.]

Maybe you'll crawl out of the kiddie pool venues one day.