maskormenace | APRIL 10TH, 2016

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APRIL 10TH, 2016

THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2016

HELLO CHAOS, MY OLD FRIEND
As seen in local and national newspapers and heard on news radio:
In the early morning hours of April 18th, several simultaneous explosions rock the financial district of De Chima. Multiple buildings have been rigged with explosives meant to burn bright, green fire for several hours or until manually extinguished. There are about 20 buildings in all, which, when seen from above, form the shape of a question mark. The top and bottom buildings in the question mark pattern have had their windows blown out in the shape of a question mark as well, so even those without a bird's eye view can get the full benefit of the display.

Nearby cars in about a half mile radius of this strange, uncredited performance art have been broken into and filled with green confetti which will prove impossible to get out of upholstery. Each car is also left with a full banner stuffed into it, each one reading a different frustratingly juvenile riddle (the answers are printed helpfully on the back). No cars were damaged beyond the initial break in, unless the car in question had an alarm. Those cars were beaten into silence.

Now you know the sound of silence.

There will be 3 security guards found unconscious in their buildings of employment, but otherwise there were no injuries in the explosions.

#NOTALLTRANSFORMERS
As written about and denoted in popular scientific blogs and heartthrob scientist celebrity magazines like SIGHence:
POWER SURGE at StarkTech! On the evening of April 8th, there was a power surge on the StarkTech campus. The lights inside seemed to flicker, according to reports from the street, while nothing unusual happened elsewhere. StarkTech released a statement the morning after -- that it was a problem with an experimental power source. As most imPorts in the know might know, the CEO of the company designed his own suit of power-armor, and unfortunately, in an effort to improve the technology that powered his suit, he accidentally blew a transformer -- thankfully, the only thing that was ruined was his own suit. But just in case anyone was worried... He has extras.

Fans of former imPort Transformers had taken issue with this news break until clarification was offered.

DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM OF A DOWN
As read in the local Nonah press with camera footage and photographs on social media:
NONAH, NC - Describing a chaotic scene that resulted in disturbances for members of the public, sources confirmed yesterday that disorder erupted at the checkout desk of Nonah's Public Library after rogue imPort Jonathan Crane clashed with protesting library workers.

"After an hour or so of heated disagreement, the Scarecrow became deadly sober and went around the lobby one by one asking each of us whether our hostility and mistrust of his intellectual pursuits was because of a petty grudge," one commented. "The fact is, we kept trying to inform him the title he wanted had been reserved, but he just fought us all of the time."

"For the love of God, he then continued ranting about how the erosion of literary tradition is to blame for today's cultural decline and lack of intellectual curiosity. He even claimed we were committing sacrilege akin to destroying a temple for displaying popular books over timeless works that catalog the sum of human experience. To be perfectly honest, I just cleared out of the way when he started removing all the staff picks off the shelf and replacing them with good books."

Sources confirmed that the huffy and maniacal imPort was diplomatically appeased in the library's courtyard before being ushered out by fellow imPort and Sulfur Mustard front-man Count Dooku.

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
As seen on social media outlets such as Rumblr and Bwitter:
Fervor surrounding the upcoming FANPORT Convention surges to new heights. ImPort cosplay can be seen trending every day, and so passionate are some of these imPort fans that groups of them have been violently splintering and clashing with "opposing" fans. Aside from the random fisticuffs that could easily break out in an emotionally-charged bar or dance club, you might find the more talented partaking in "Flash Mob Karaoke" scenes composed of individuals all dressed as their favorite imPort surging a populated, serene public area. These are understood to be declarations of battle between warring music groups. A Capella group The Indiscretions of Dorian Gray have begun to perform their bawdy ballads outside of religious institutions. The hobbyist classic rock garage band Dad Jokes have renamed themselves Rick'n'Roll in honor of iconic imPort Rick Grimes, and have recently declared musical war against Soulfur Mustard, a blues cover band of the imPort-led metal group. Beloved imPort Lucy Pevensie has inspired the teenaged punk pop band How Farnia is Narnia with their gently encouraging hit new single "Step Out Of the Closet". Rumor has it that another teenaged coalition wishes to challenge Farnia for their spotlight crown.

You might notice that these typically ignored imPort-inspired bands have begun to attract media attention more and more, which seems to be mostly in due part of FanPort Fever. While no citizen has any issue with musical groups in general, these bands have begun to clash in person, over the internet, and sometimes in newspapers stanning for their most favorite imPorts. A musical shipping war could very well be on the horizon.

SEERIOUS BUSINESS
As read in the monthly publication The Pacific:
Journalist and skeptic Cassandra Ko has written a piece discussing how the rise in the general public's imPort mania has been carefully constructed by the government to distract its citizens from the increasing threat that the USSR poses.

"We only talk of war when it is convenient for the government," she explains within the article. "Why do you think that is?"

WAIT, IT GETS BWITTER
As discussed on Bwitter:
#imPortkin has been trending. It seems that recent controversies surrounding the imPort community have sparked unorthodox support. Some citizens appear convinced that they have a special connection to the more perceived-as-persecuted imPorts.

CLASSY-FIED
As briefly noted in all major newspapers and all major networks:
Trial for treasonous individuals within President Freemason's cabinet will begin. The information involving all parties, to include the defendants, is closed to any media circuit.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SPRING GREEN to ORANGE, because orange you glad we didn't say banana.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, somebody else asked for it, and when it was found, you figured you'd take it anyway.

That's not how libraries work, man.

That's precisely how they work! Libraries are full of dangerous ideas. I merely had an idea of my own; that lifting books from once-noble institutions that lose them and don't even care is entirely reasonable!

So you were stealing. From the free library.

[Seriously man?]

No. I was merely the champion of private enterprise.

[Chloe can't help but snicker.]

Nothing about that makes sense, Doc.

What about it is difficult for you to understand? I believe the meaning is clear enough.

It's really not, but I'll bite.

Make it make sense to me.

[Teaching!~]

It's no harm to borrow things if you're going to return them. They're the simpletons who lost such a precious work. I thought they could stand to miss it a trifle more. And I thought that you had learned more from me than that.

Edited 2016-04-15 13:11 (UTC)

[Dooku's deep voice abruptly breaks in to the conversation, stern and commanding.]

That will be quite enough, Doctor. The young lady does not require your particular brand of instruction.

Well, I believe the young lady can handle herself quite well. That is to say whether she takes my advice on board or listens to yours is for her to decide. It's not our place to decide for her. Regardless, thanks for demonstrating your disbelief in her level of intelligence and common sense.

[By contrast, Crane's voice is light, pleasant and lilting. He thrives on chaos, and Dooku's just thrown his stone into the lake and sent the water flying.]

[The Count holds none of Crane's delight, even beyond the sombre facade he's projecting for their little show here. To him, this is just another move, another play, another swing of the hammer while constructing a machine.]

The value of intelligence is lessened if the thinker is calculating using incomplete information. Tell me, does Chloe know just who it is she is talking to? Is she fully informed of the history you have with those who accept your counsel and your insights?

Perhaps she requires illumination from a different angle. A light to ward off potential predators, let us say.

[He clicks his tongue in his mouth and draws on a moment of silence. All to add to the effect for their performance.]

Indeed she does. But my history is out there, Count, publicly accessible. I question why nobody, from Ms. Price's friends to the wider public, have stepped up to the mark.

[And that's Chloe thrown under the bus.]

Ms. Price herself evidently refuses to feed her mind and do her own research. And considering she's of the generation who believe search engines qualify as research, I won't hold my breath.

[Dooku gives a low, humourless chuckle.]

And now which of us is insulting the young lady's intelligence, I wonder? It is my understanding that Chloe actually possesses quite a bright mind, with significant potential. And regardless of whatever lapses have occurred among her friends and guardians, I am here now to set the record straight.

She will not be one of your projects, Doctor. I strongly advise you to find other means of occupying your intellect. Preferably among people closer to your own age.

[Crane remains silent and motionless. People will not get to see him as a weak and timid creature; they shall not witness the fact he is the same as everyone else. Because he knows he is superior - and he wouldn't have to keep proving it if people didn't keep getting in his way.]

There is no need to direct me in my research. I am aware of what I need to do.

[Direct me. A dangerous connection given the nature of his work. But would one expect less dealing with him?]

[A perspective Dooku can entirely emphasize with- particularly the part about superiority. And fools getting in the way.]

Then I suggest you proceed with what actions are needed on your part. And maintain a healthy distance from Chloe from this point forward.

[The corners of Crane's mouth curl into a calm, tight smile. The only actions needed, as Dooku knows, are those that bring him the greatest benefit with the least danger.]

I'll be glad to do that.

[It's not like the network is dependent on distance, anyway.]

Of course, were we to discuss your fears, you might find my attention to be satisfactorily distracted.

[Nudge nudge.]

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First off, fuck you.

Second, what the hell is this guy talking about, Crane?

I've no plans to tell you, Ms. Price. The pursuit of knowledge is more interesting if you take responsibility for it.

[Is Googling hard, now?]

...Who the fuck are you?

[Chloe doesn't like white knights or people telling her what to do.]

[The Count suppresses a sigh. Here is the main flaw in his and Crane's oh-so-clever plan: not interacting with a sociopath, but interacting with a blue-haired teenager in dire need of some education in manners.]

My apologies for the interruption, Chloe. I am Count Dooku. I am currently volunteering my services to ensure that Doctor Crane behaves himself.

It is something of a trying task, I'm afraid.

What, you're like his keeper?

Why's he even need one he's just some boring nerd.

Oh, is that what you think?

[Dooku chuckles, low and without true mirth.]

Let me show you something, child.

[With that, the Count forwards a series of links to the publicly available news records regarding the August 2015 Swear-In- more commonly known to imPorts as simply 'the fear gas attack.']

That 'boring nerd', as you describe him, is one of the most infamous imPort super-criminals in the history of this world. Responsible for more than seventy deaths, from what I hear. Arrested, tried, convicted... And yet our government has seen fit to let him walk as a free man.

[Mildly, as though in afterthought-]

I am rather surprised you hadn't heard. Your deeds during the Occupation led me to believe that you were more savvy with information than this.

Huh.

[Well. That was...a thing. But she's defensive because of the rest of his comments.]

I was a little busy dealing with way more important stuff, I didn't really have time to think 'I wonder if that old psych nerd is actually a supervillain. Jesus christ.

Then perhaps today can be a lesson regarding the perils of trust. There are few true villains who announce their natures openly. Certainly the most dangerous threats are often the best concealed.

[Is Dooku talking to Chloe now or is he dictating his autobiography? Maybe both.]

So what did he do that was so awful?

[She could look it up, but if he wants to play white knight, she'll force him to do the work.]