maskormenace | [ Voice ]

[ Sasaki will be using audio for this because it's much easier when you can't see his face. ] ... I think I'm done running from the elephant in the room.

Three years ago, SS rated ghoul Ken Kaneki was captured by the CCG and lost his memories. And from that, I came to existence. I'm legally a human, but not biologically, and I have no memories beyond the three years I've lived. [ so yes. Haise is technically Kaneki ] I know that this body is Kaneki's, and I know that Kaneki is somewhere inside my head I don't really remember anything about Kaneki's life; I don't know who his mother is, I don't know how he met his little sister, and I don't know what he felt when he woke up after being turned into an artificial ghoul.

But ever since I stepped out of the Porter, I know everything that Kaneki felt and lived while in this world. I know the people he met here and matter to him, I know his sadness and his loneliness, I know his happiness and I know his feelings. It's as if these are my memories, even though I'm not Kaneki. I'm not; I'm just... a dream. With two years worth of memories.

[ there is a moment of silence as sasaki tries to gather his thoughts ]

I know Kaneki will slowly take over, and with time all of the memories will return and I will no longer be Sasaki. I will be replaced with the real thing. And yet, I really want to exist. I don't want to fade away, that's why- it was really scary when I arrived here, when I looked at your faces, everytime you called me Kaneki, everytime you expected him.

I still can't tell you what is happening. It's a mess. [ he sighs, defeated ] About that night when Kaneki went crazy and attacked people- I remember it all as if I was the one doing it, so I want to apologize. I'll be visiting the native victims, and the imPorts he hurt and attacked, I'm terribly sorry for what has happened. And the person who triggered that whole mayhem- [ sasaki isn't going to say the name; he knows who it is ] We are going to talk.

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... yeah. It would have been nice.

Arima, Akira, you guys... it really felt like a family...

[ but no, life isn't kind at all. ]

I promised Kaneki I would look at him. I wouldn't ignore him anymore, that I would- see him. This is his body and I'm just- [ a parasite. ] I will eventually have to give it back.

It'll be okay... and we'll be okay too.

[ What a goddamn lie. ]

Kaneki-san is... he's a really nice person under all the pain he's had to experience even if he doesn't see it himself. I really liked getting to know him so I think you'll like him too.

[ kaneki-san is a ghoul who kind of went cray and turned into a kakuja and bit people's faces off not so long ago, so let's all rethink about what "nice" really means ]

Yeah, I know about you meeting him. I remember that. [ it's so weird to distance himself from Kaneki, and yet remembering everything as if he was the one living it. ]

He liked you. It was weird, for sure, but you helped him a bit, actually. [ because kaneki was suicidal and knowing that he'd have the chance to rest and forget (even if not forever, though he hoped that) made things feel more peaceful in a way ] I'm glad you got to meet him.

[ Listen, his nice isn't even your everyday run-of-the-mill nice considering... well, everything that is life lately. Take what you can get, loser. ]

I'm glad I could help even if it was just a little bit... [ Because he certainly didn't feel like he was doing any good. ]

Yeah. He was too.

[ a pause ]

I don't know what will happen in the future, Mutsuki. But no matter what, please know that I care for you a lot. You are my family, no matter what. [ fake or not, it's his family ]

I know.

[ Even if he's not so sure about their future back home, it can be different here with his former memories and the friends he has here who knew Kaneki. ]

No matter what happens, I'll always be on your side.

[ There were many issues with kaneki. The biggest one was that he didn't think he was lovable. He thought the love people had for him always had an expiration date and it often came with pain, because that's exactly what his life taught him. Sasaki's issues are different, but they are also a bit of the same: he thinks the love people have for him exists only as long he is a loyal dog, does what he is told, is a good soldier, and doesn't go out of control; pain might also exist because that's his job. Again, this is what his life taught him.

Sasaki loves the family the CCG gave him, with all of his being, and he truly is happy with them. But it doesn't mean doubt isn't there, it doesn't mean he doesn't expect to be abandoned the moment he goes off the path the CCG demands him to be on.

And this is it. This is him drifting off that path, and this is him talking with his family that he might lose because of it ]

Mutsuki... the way I am, I won't be allowed to- [ no, if he says it like that, it sounds like he is blaming others. And he isn't, not really. Mostly he is blaming himself ] I can't- continue to be what I was, I can't be your [ mom/dad ] mentor anymore, I can't... [ he will be discarded and replaced. ]

Edited 2016-05-30 08:31 (UTC)

[ He listens quietly and, in a way, already understands. This is what has happened for him already, hasn't it? Sasaki doesn't even feel like the same person anymore and back here with his memories... that person doesn't really remind him of the Kaneki he met here either but he can't imagine anyone would be the same after everything. that he's been through.

So, he continues to sit in silence and think over the words. ]

It'll be okay even if we can't be as we were. I learned a long time ago that things change and sometimes it can be when we least expect it.

[ Like when his family died, like when Shirazu died... ]

I was told to be a good investigator, surpass Arima-san, mentor you guys- that's what I exist for. [ but he can't do that as a Kaneki ] If I can't do that, I'm not good for much. I'll be just a g- [ "just a ghoul". he almost said it, but he doesn't really see himself as one. he doesn't want to be a ghoul ]

Back home, it was already happening. And it's only a matter of time for it to be noticed. [ will Arima-san dispose of him so easily, though? probably, that's his job, but - ] I don't know what they will do to me when they realize kaneki is dripping all over.

[ in this world, it's honestly on Mutsuki's hands of what would happen. because he is, after all, the only ghoul investigator here, besides Saasaki ]

It's hard to say. You don't think they'd try and pull Sasaki back to the forefront? Smother Kaneki further down?

[ A sigh. ] I can't even pretend to know how Arima-san thinks.

Arima-san has already been trying to do that. [ ever since Sasaki "woke up" in that cell, actually ]

I... I do see him as my father, but Arima-san is a mystery to me as well.

[ Voice ]

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