maskormenace | [ Voice ]

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[ Voice ]

[ Sasaki will be using audio for this because it's much easier when you can't see his face. ] ... I think I'm done running from the elephant in the room.

Three years ago, SS rated ghoul Ken Kaneki was captured by the CCG and lost his memories. And from that, I came to existence. I'm legally a human, but not biologically, and I have no memories beyond the three years I've lived. [ so yes. Haise is technically Kaneki ] I know that this body is Kaneki's, and I know that Kaneki is somewhere inside my head I don't really remember anything about Kaneki's life; I don't know who his mother is, I don't know how he met his little sister, and I don't know what he felt when he woke up after being turned into an artificial ghoul.

But ever since I stepped out of the Porter, I know everything that Kaneki felt and lived while in this world. I know the people he met here and matter to him, I know his sadness and his loneliness, I know his happiness and I know his feelings. It's as if these are my memories, even though I'm not Kaneki. I'm not; I'm just... a dream. With two years worth of memories.

[ there is a moment of silence as sasaki tries to gather his thoughts ]

I know Kaneki will slowly take over, and with time all of the memories will return and I will no longer be Sasaki. I will be replaced with the real thing. And yet, I really want to exist. I don't want to fade away, that's why- it was really scary when I arrived here, when I looked at your faces, everytime you called me Kaneki, everytime you expected him.

I still can't tell you what is happening. It's a mess. [ he sighs, defeated ] About that night when Kaneki went crazy and attacked people- I remember it all as if I was the one doing it, so I want to apologize. I'll be visiting the native victims, and the imPorts he hurt and attacked, I'm terribly sorry for what has happened. And the person who triggered that whole mayhem- [ sasaki isn't going to say the name; he knows who it is ] We are going to talk.

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I don't know. Maybe because Kaneki used to be human once.

Was he the only one? A human that got turned into a ghoul?

We thought he was.

However, Dr. Kanou, the scientist that led Kaneki's experiment has joined a ghoul terrorist organization called Aogiri Tree. They have turned... [ there is a small pause. This is serious, and not just pretending Kaneki, but everyone in Sasaki's world. ]

Three years ago, several ghoul investigators went missing after an enormous raid. We presumed them dead, killed by Aogiri, but recently we found out that wasn't so. Dr. Kanou turned at least one into an artificial ghoul. we have every reason to believe that Aogiri Tree is experimenting on people and turning them into ghouls.

...will you help them? Or -- will your people help them? So that they can live as normally as you do?

[Which isn't normal at all, he realizes, but it means that they won't be slaughtered by the handful.]

... Jaime.

[ how to explain this. ]

Kaneki was tortured for ten days straight by Aogiri Tree. [ if you didn't know this, now you do. ] Takizawa-san was with them for three years. [ can you imagine what he went through? ] When he appeared, he killed many of us. And some of the victims were his classmates. He shredded them to pieces and consumed them in front of us while he laughed. [ and he beat Sasaki to pulp too ]

There is no helping him anymore.

[He wish he could be more surprised by that admission, but he's not. He's not shocked, but he is sad, sad for Kaneki, and all that he's gone through. He should have had a happy, ordinary life. In another world, he and Ken could have been friends without all of this other stuff muddying the waters.

Ken's - Sasaki's - life is complicated, and he only knows the tip of the iceberg.]

I'm sorry. That you -- [No. No, that's not right, is it? Sasaki doesn't want to be known as Ken, and he has to respect that.] That you have to remember that. If they're trying to kill you, you have to do what you have to do. I understand that. But I hope that there are some of them out there, people who were only just changed, maybe, that you can save.

For both you and them.

[ no one knows most of it. Kaneki hid a lot from people, and Haise does too. He only tells bits and pieces, here and there, and it's really difficult to glue everything together - if anyone was ever to do so, they'd probably understand very well why Kaneki wanted to die.

Sasaki doesn't answer for a moment ]

... I want to. Not just artificial ghouls.

Some ghouls aren't bad. Some we find them purely by chance and we don't actually know if they did anything. Because they are ghouls, they are exterminated and that's it - and it's wrong. I know that. [ Sasaki can hide behind the CCG words all the wants, and he tries!, but things have been getting so damn complicated ]

But I can't say or do those things, Jaime. Do you understand? [ because he will lose his family and his life and everything he tried to be. ]

[Jaime breathes out, slow and sure at that profession. This is what he wants to hear, truly, that Kaneki can think of other ghouls as people, can understand the futility and the tragedy of killing - not exterminating - people solely for what they are, or what they have become.]

I know it makes things harder for you, thinking that way, but... I'm glad you think that way.

[That's the person he wants to know.]

If you say it out loud, they'd come after you next, wouldn't they?

I'm already called a ghoul sympathizer by other Investigator, just because I don't kill ghouls on the spot and send them to jail instead. [ where they are killed ]

I have a family. I've children, I have- a mother and a father. [ none of them are blood related, of course. They are a fake family they gave him in order to keep him under control and to fulfill Haise's need for a parental figure ] I will lose them.

If I haven't already lost Mutsuki, who is here.

Why would you have lost him? Because of the whole Ken thing...?

... because I remember him.

[Oh, gosh. Whenever he thinks he's getting caught up with a conversation with this guy, he gets confused all over again.]

I don't follow.

I remember Kaneki, I mean. And everything he is.

I used to think he was a monster and that was good in a way because it kept me from wanting to know about Kaneki. The more I remember him, more I become Kaneki.

And the CCG has no use for Kaneki. Neither do my subordinates. [ so neither does Mutsuki ]

But... you just said that they're your family. That means sticking together, no matter what, doesn't it? I know it must be weird for him, but if he cares about you, you won't lose him just like this.

[ and that would be true, but Sasaki is like Kaneki in a way: he is insecure about every attachment he forges. he thinks that at the slightest thing, the others will break them off and push him aside. That's why both Sasaki and Kaneki tried so hard to make others happy and please them, do what he was expected.

Kaneki couldn't show how broken he was or others would realize how messed up he was and would abandon him. And Sasaki can't show he is not just Sasaki because the CCG and all of his family will break too. He doesn't believe it will be any other way, life never gave him much of a reason to think otherwise ]

... yeah. You are right. [ it's alright. Jaime doesn't have to worry about Sasaki ] It'll be alright, somehow. It's not like this is happening back in my world, anyway.

Maybe. But it'd be nice to be -- well, to be as happy as you can be here, too. I hope that he can accept you the way you are, man, I really do.

[He hesitates, but he has to offer.] Look, if you ever need someone to talk to who'd accept both sides of you, just give me a call, okay? I promise I'm not interested in judging any of the memories you've been getting back.

[ he chuckles softly ]

I know I said you sounded just like an adult, but I don't think it's fair to put this sort of thing on your shoulders.

it's something I need to deal with myself.

Look... I know you meant the whole sounding like an adult thing as a compliment, or something, but as far as this world goes? I am an adult. And I promise you, I'm not exactly a stranger to dealing with some tough stuff. It's not like I can't handle it.

But if you're not comfortable talking to me about it, you should talk to someone. Nobody should have to deal with this by themselves.

[ there is a moment of silence again ]

I know you wish to help, but this isn't something people want to talk about. Because this is just the tip. What you know about Kaneki, it's not even half of it.

You mean well, I know. But once you understand, you can't go back. [ and he will wish he didn't know ]

[Jaime thinks, momentarily, to what he's heard of. Of Armin's torture (I think he wanted to do things to me), of Killua's childhood (they poisoned me every day to build up my tolerance), of Shinji and Ken's suicidal feelings, of Minato's desire not to die, of Bart's world (all we are is meat), and thinks to himself, do I regret hearing any of that? Do I want to go back?

He's quiet for a moment and confesses, voice honest,] I've heard a lot of stuff. I haven't regretted any of it yet.

[ there is silence yet again.

And Sasaki turns this to private ]

Kaneki was mentally ill. After everything he went through, his mind started to break. He hallucinated all the time, he had PTSD, strong feelings of paranoia and many things triggered him into psychotic episodes. He was strongly suicidal to the point when he learned here that he was going to disappear and I would take his place, he actually became better. He always lived with the idea "it's alright if I die" and that became easily"I want to die".

[ Sasaki sighs softly. ] I'm afraid I will become like that the more I remember. I'm not suicidal, Jaime. The person I was before was.

I'm sorry, Sasaki. I know... the idea of going to that must be awful.

[It's better than he had expected, somehow, but sadder. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that someone who's been driven to eat human flesh would suffer from feelings of worthlessness and suicide, but that doesn't diminish the tragedy of it in any way. There are good people who feel this way, good people who feel this way for reasons Jaime can understand. And he can understand this one. It's reflected in his voice, sad but far from emotional. Instead, he's very, very calm.]

...have you ever thought of seeing someone for it? Like, a professional? Not an imPort. Someone else.

[ kaneki's suicidal thoughts weren't because of becoming a ghoul. when he still had black hair, when he was "pure", certainly depression had already creeped in, and feelings of self-hatred were there, but not wanting to die. that begun after his torture. and after he realized he did everything wrong. ]

How can I? What can even a professional do? I'd tell them about ghouls and it'd feel like it came out of a book, to them; I tell them about kaneki losing his memories and me emerging from him, and that sounds surreal. even I think it's surreal.

We live through things that no one can understand. Even some of them I don't understand myself...!

[ sasaki's voice cracks a bit ] My own father he- Arima-san put two spears through kaneki's brain. I have sent Kaneki's little sister to prison so she'll be disposed of in a month. Kaneki killed his own best friend and lover and I'm the one feeling like everything is ending for it...!

How can I?!

[All of this is slightly -- well, no. It's much worse than the other bit, which Jaime is better equipped to deal with, but he's glad, for now, that this is on voice. Even though there's distress in Sasaki's voice, Sasaki doesn't have to see the expression on Jaime's, and he's gotten pretty good at keeping his voice quiet and calm when he needs to. And now... he thinks he needs to.

That part about Kaneki's little sister stings, though. What will Kaneki do when he remembers? What will he do to himself? No, no thinking about that yet; they have to solve the problem in front of them.]

I'm sorry. That you both had to go through stuff like that. [He's rubbing at his own forehead too, thinking ouch.] I know there's not a lot any therapist could recognize in there, but maybe there's something. Even if it's not dealing with... with what happened, there's, um -- they call it risk management. Even if the causes are different, managing it might be at least a little similar. To have something to lean back on, when it gets bad. And with all of this you're dealing with... I think it will.

[He wishes he could tell Sasaki it was going to be okay, but it's not. He's got a journey ahead of him, and it's longer than most of Jaime's friends' journeys, but it's possible. It has to be.]

[ this is exactly why he didn't want to dump it on jaime. Because it's not just being suicidal; it's all of that which made him so. And Sasaki doesn't even remember half of those things and most of them he only knows because Kaneki mentioned them to someone here in this world; when Sasaki actually remembers the torture kaneki went through, when he actually remembers killing Hide, when he remembers Rize, when he remembers Kanou, then what will happen?

It's a lot and it's scary, and he didn't want to force any of that into Jaime's lap. In fact, if not even a professional would know what to do, why is he dumping it all on jaime, anyway? It's unfair to him. Even if he says he is an adult and can handle things.

He can't. Not any of this. ]

... I'm sorry. Jaime, this isn't something you should be listening to. It's not something you understand; I don't understand it, either, so- [ so it's unfair. Sasaki doesn't even know what he expected to tell anyone about this, he honestly doesn't. it won't make a difference. ]

It will be alright, somehow.

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