maskormenace | Entry #004

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Entry #004 | Video

[ Here is Gansey, looking a little strange. He’s wearing a navy-blue sweater emblazoned with a raven – an Aglionby school sweater, over what appears to be ordinary clothes. His shoulders and hair are damp, like he’s been rained on, and he looks strangely pale. Despite that, he’s displaying a welcoming smile, and his hazel eyes are bright and vital with some emotion he’s holding back. ]

Apparently, I vanished yesterday.

I say apparently because it feels more like several weeks ago, but according to this – [ he holds up one of De Chima’s daily newspapers – a tabloid, headlined with speculation about the upcoming import elections ] – it’s only been a day.

A lot can happen in a day. Sometimes things that give you perspective.

Can I ask – the school year is almost over. Some of you will be graduating. I will. Which is odd, because I was here for eight months, and then I went home and it was Fall again, and Senior year was just beginning. I’m not completely sure what age I am now. I turned eighteen a couple of months ago.

[ Which, he actually never mentioned. It had seemed like there were more important things to be getting along with, and the thought of getting older in the wrong world had annoyed Gansey anyway. He’d kept quiet. Now, if he could do that over again, he thinks he’d celebrate it more – even though he’s only mentioning it now because it’s relevant to this. ]

Then I go home, and I’m seventeen again, so now I don’t even know what counts. Graduation will, though, I know that much.

So: to everyone else who’s graduating. Or even if you’re not, even if it’s just that you see change coming for you. What are your plans? Will you work, will you travel? What would you like to do, ideally? I think I’m ready for it to be summer again.

Private to: Billy Kaplan, Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch, Noah Czerny, Matthew Lynch

[ This part goes to everyone’s private inboxes. Gansey’s smile is less presidential here, but his eyes are even sharper. He seems energized, like he’s on the edge of something. His voice is trying not to sound like it. ]

Hey, everyone. I very much hope I didn’t worry you. I think I was mid-conversation with you, Billy. I’ll have to blame my rudeness on the Porter.

Listen, I’m on my way home. Could someone bring the car and pick me up? I’m getting pizza from that Italian place near the porter in De Chima. I’m absolutely famished.

I’d…like to know if anyone else vanished, too. Ronan, Adam?

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[ Unbelievably, that makes Gansey smile. ]

Yes you are. And actually, so am I.

Sorry for scaring you. Did that book ever arrive? I hope it did, or I'll be calling them later.

It didn't but you can take your time.

Is...

Are you okay?

[ His expression is complicated, working a little too hard at holding itself together. ]

I am now. It's been an exciting week.

The strangest thing is that I've gone from so much happening all at once, to...this. With a whole eight months of memories that I didn't have five minutes ago, and that's very strange.

[ A pause. ]

Different powers, too. They tell me my Charmspeak's gone.

Did you get a rundown of what you're getting in return?

[He scowls just a little.]

Yeah, it's disorienting. Take a couple of days to sort through things. Do you remember that time you made out with Kitty?

[Billy is sort of teasing. Okay, 100% teasing.]

I did.

[ He sounds a little unsure. ]

It's something I can do at home, actually. Something I'm still discovering. I can't say that I really...

Maybe I can show you. You might understand it better than I do.

[ And as for that last part, how dare you. ]

Kitty would be scandalized. I seem to recall artwork where you did, though. That was wrong on many levels.

God, gag.

[Just. Kissing girls.]

Yeah, when you're ready, okay? Your job is still here.

Thank you.

[ He means that. He actually wants to see Billy a fair lot more than he's admitting. ]

I have four jobs. Did you know that? Four jobs, and school. The clones took care of it all.

I suppose they still could.

Is that a....you don't want your job back?

[That's not judgement. That's just Billy worrying a bit.]

What? No! of course not, Jesus.

[ That job is his favorite. Come on Billy. ]

It's an...I have to rethink some things. I don't know, Billy, I just think I've been trying to do everything, keep myself distracted all the time. Maybe I don't need to do that anymore.

What scared you that badly?

[Billy knows fear when he sees it.]

[ Something flickers in Gansey's expression. ]

I'm not afraid. I'll be all right, Billy.

[ That part was for public consumption. The amount that Gansey is able to deal with this does not stretch to the general public, thus far.

And there's Adam and Ronan to think of. This is still their future. ]

Something caught up to me. It's over now, and...

A great deal is over now. I found Glendower.

[ Amazing, how that's the easy part. ]

You found-

....was it what you wanted?

[He knows from experience. Sometimes finding the thing you were looking for wasn't what you wanted.]

He was dead.

[ It comes out in a rush, and makes Gansey’s heart ache all over again. Even so, it helps to speak it. He doesn’t think he can tell Adam and Ronan; not yet, not when it’s in their future.

And they’re almost as invested as he was. He isn’t sure he wants to take it from them while they still have hope. He wouldn’t have wanted them to take it from him. ]

Bones and dust, and I couldn’t –

[ A breath, and a shake of his head. ] There was nothing I could do. So there was no way to save Cabeswater, and I had to, Billy. I had to, there wasn’t any other way.

Look, I know all about had tos, so go ahead, I'm not going to-

Just-

I'm sorry about your king.

Can you break down what happened next?

[ Gansey looks down. It's all so fresh, it's all just there.

He had died before. He is not unfamiliar with flashbacks. Far from it. But this feels even closer than that, like time is slipping again, and he's back in that moment - ]

There was a demon.

[ He takes a breath. ]

It was hurting Cabeswater, and hurting Adam, and...and it was killing Ronan, Billy. I thought with Glendower's favor we could...

But we couldn't. So the only thing we could do was...was right the wrong that brought the demon in the first place.

[ He makes himself look up again. ]

A willing sacrifice. That's what I had to do.

Shit.

[There's a part of Billy that panics. It curls itself up and starts screaming. He thinks of Gansey dying and he -

He doesn't show it. He takes a breath. He pauses. He breathes out. Gansey. Gansey is that kind of person. (Billy did that once. Offered to kill himself to stop a demon. They didn't let him.)]

Are you all right? I mean. I know. That's a stupid question, I'm sorry.

[ They hadn't wanted to let him. He knows they hadn't.

But in the end they did, because what other choice was there? Ronan would have died if he hadn't. For Gansey, there had been no other option.

He could not have watched Ronan die. ]

I am.

They brought me back. Or, rather, they asked Cabeswater to, and it did. It...gave itself to me. Remade me. And then it died for me, the way I tried to die for it.

[ He breaks off, lapsing into silence. ]

That was tonight. For me, that...I was just there, Billy.

Okay, hey, you're okay, your friends are okay, we will work through it, right?

You might be in shock. Like. Do you need-

Company? Sympathetic magic? I can send over a galaxy to keep you company. Or me. Whichever.

Company.

[ Yes, definitely company. ]

Tonight? I won't be able to sleep, and I can't...

[ He takes a breath. ] I can't tell them why. Adam and Ronan. They can't know yet, because this is their future and they were in danger, and I don't know if it's fair to tell them at all.

New York? We can go to New York.

The Statue of Liberty. It'll be private and quiet and pretty?

[He pauses.]

Yeah. I know. Trust me. I know.

Okay. Yes, let's go to New York.

[ He'd like that. He could talk about everything that's happened, without the guilt that would come with telling Adam and Ronan their future.

He needs that. He needs to talk about it, before he decides what's right to say to them. ]

Are you sure you don't mind?

I don't mind.

Really.

I'll pick you up. Just let me know when.

Thank you, Billy.

I'll call you when I'm alone, okay?

Okay. Okay.

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