JULY 10th, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JULY 10TH, 2016

'CAUSE LUCY IS BEAU-TILICIOUS, BABY
As seen on all the best tabloids and celebrity gossip sites:
Sparks Fly on Ambassador's Hot Date: Who is Lu's Beau???
Who cares about some guy trying to steal the Declaration of Independence, right? Real news is what you find in gossip magazines, a few of which are running content like the above headline, splashed across a picture of a blond, curly-headed teen shielding De Chima's new ambassador from a large bald eagle-shaped firework.

An excerpt from one such article:

"They were sooo cute together," says one woman, a self-described "imPort fanatic". "I waited outside the museum for six hours just so I could see what all the imPorts were wearing, and I saw them go in together. It was like they couldn't stop smiling at each other. He's got dimples, you know."

The dimpled boyfriend is Matthew Lynch, a dreamy imPort who shared a few classes with Lucy before she graduated earlier this year. What did he have to say about the relationship?

"We're just friends," he reportedly insisted throughout the evening, but we all know what that means. Some sources say the two have been an item since April's Fanport convention, where a number of fans claim to have spotted the pair holding hands and even kissing.

(Don't forget to check out our online gallery for even more photos of Lu's STUNNING evening gown! We'll tell you all about how YOU can get her look!)

A HULKIN', HULKIN' BURNING LOVE
As seen on Bwitter, ImPortanment Tonight!, and all the best celebrity magazines:
HULK & HULKETTE: NEW POWER COUPLE IN TOWN

Keep on the lookout! A new imPort power couple's in town, and it's tearing it apart— literally! In the early hours of the past month's 18th, De Chima received the unsavory visit of a massive red-skinned beast lady, who went on a rampage through a small portion of the city. Before much damage was done, she was joined by her larger and greener companion, though it was unclear whether his intention was to stop her from doing any more damage or taking part in it himself.

Thanks to the efforts of a number of imPorts, as well as the distraction that the massive green Hulk proved to be, the damage was limited mostly to a building that was torn down, and despite minor to mild injuries on innocent bystanders, there were no casualties, and soon after the pair vanished into the forest. As of yet, the identities of both the Hulk and his companion the illustrious Hulkette remain unknown, although the case remains open, and the authorities continue to search for them.

FERAL DARYL FANS
As seen on all major news networks and FranticNews.com:
Sixteen suspected drug dealers and small business burglars in Maurtia Falls have been laid up in the city's hospitals across the last eight days due to injuries resulting from being shot in the backside with arrows. Taking credit for these acts of vigilante justice are several members of the Maurtia Falls Daryl Dixon Fan Club the 'Crossbow Queens'. When asked for comment, the president of the club said, "Something had to be done about them. Besides, no one got killed. DARYL DIXON RULES!" The other Queens and fans gathered cheered too loudly for further questions to be asked as their president and several other members were arrested and taken into police custody.

The president of the De Chima Daryl Dixon Fan Club, 'Dixon's Demons', had this to say about the actions of her fellow fans: "Serves them right. The Crossbow Queen's ain't [censored]. Daryl's a De Chima boy. Anyone who's a real fan would be part of the Demons, not the Queens."

When asked for his opinion on what was being done by his fans, Daryl Dixon replied: "Get that [censored] camera out of my face!"

In related news, crossbow sales across the country have seen a 200% rise over their total sales in the first quarter during the last week alone. This spike of interest is expected to continue at least through the end of the summer hunting season.

TOYING WITH YOU
As seen in THOT TOPIC ads:
Brand new coming in August! Life sized DARYL DIXON action figures, with opposable thumbs! Pre-order now!

THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
As seen on all major national and international news networks:
Catastrophe at the "240 Years of America!" yesterday, on July 4th as the gala was interrupted by fireworks inside the museum, followed shortly by the notorious Julian Day, alias "Calendar Man".

The newly-released from parole Day attacked the gala with an Uncle Sam monster that took quite a number of fellow imPorts to take down. Day had attempted to steal several artifacts from the exhibit, including the Declaration of Independence, though all have been returned. Unfortunately, the costume stolen by Day from the popular musical Franklin! was not in recoverable condition.

Julian Day was quickly arrested and following a short hospital stay due to an injury sustained to his gluteus maximus, was then sentenced to four weeks in prison with two months of parole. While Day plead guilty to the charges related to the monster, he denied involvement in the fireworks.

The De Chima Civil War Museum suffered extensive damages and the exhibit has been cancelled. While many blame imPorts for the attack, witnesses claim it would have been much worse without all the heroes on scene and that lives were saved that day.

DAY-UM
As seen on the website made to order, BloodOrangeBubble:
Have you ever wanted a punching bag OR a pillow with Julian Day's, AKA Calendar Man, face on it? Pre-order now! Supplies are unlimited.

MUSIC: LANGUAGE OF THE SOUL
As seen on all forms of viral marketing:
Have you been using a computer lately? Watching TV? Did you accidentally type "Lucifer" into your Woohoo! search bar? Or maybe search for something unrelated like "The best place to buy a sandwich in De Chima"? You did? Awesome. Because you have now found yourself accosted by one of the most irritating adverts known to man. On the computer it's one of those ads that play music and remind you that you forgot to turn on your adblock, or turn off your speakers. On TV, it's catchy, and repeated often. It's the clip that interrupts your daily play of Two Tones albums on BlueTube. It gets under your skin, until you're utterly sick of hearing about it. And so is everyone else, if the angry comments are anything to go by.

So what is this advert?

An enormous white wing cuts across the screen, there's a swooping noise. You'll probably hear that swooping noise in your dreams. And then an instrumental, not quite perfect version of AC-DC's Back in Black cuts in; the same version used during Lucifer's ImPortant! season debut, just this past week.

The voice over begins to tells you about the contents of the CD: "Finally, Hell's only angel has released the album that everyone has been waiting for. "Lucifer's Best Of" collects both live and studio recordings of songs you'll be familiar with from the crooning archangel."

As he speaks, the music changes, and viewers are afforded different clips of Lucifer in full song. "Bringing together classic live show hits like Sweet Transvestite and Big Balls as well as hits from Season 2's great upcoming soundtrack. Download the full album now, and be the first to see the music video to Karma Chameleon. Or buy the 8" vinyl, and enjoy the secret track." Like, for example, Lucifer crooning to Witchcraft. Are you sick of this advert yet? It's okay, it's almost over.

"Don't forget to pick up Season 1 of "ImPortant!" at a retailer near you, or find clips from every episode so far at ChurchOfTheMorningstar.Org".

"And he's buying a stairway to Hea--hahaha. Heaven~"

Now it's over.

You know who's to blame.

ACTUAL NEWS
As seen on local Maurtia Falls television channels:
A rash of bloody, brutal murders have been happening, mostly targeting young men. Authorities are not revealing much, but it is believed to be imPort-related.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SOLSTICE YELLOW to FIREWORK RED because #ThanksJulian is trending.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

Video

[knifecollecting]

Why would anyone buy a music album by The Devil?

[What is wrong with people?

And those murders are getting out of hand, right? At least she doesn't live in MF any more.]

Video

[driftsintobuffetline]

Sympathy for the Devil, maybe?

Okay, even if admit that was a lame joke.

Re: Video

[knifecollecting]

He doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy.

[God, Newt. Don't make her stop talking to you.]

It was awful.

text;

[angelfire]

[ One free credit download link to Dorian Gray and the Hedonists' version of Sympathy for the Devil. ]

Video

[angelfire]

The real question is why wouldn't you? People have been replacing me with rock musicians since the sixties, why not give them the real thing?

Video

[knifecollecting]

[Every god damn time. Why does she even try?]

Because you suck?

video;

[brushoff]

Get it Matthew!

[ there's like ten different things that Dorian wants to comment on. Gonna stick with the first: aw yeeeeeeeah, keep it up Matthew! ]

video;

[dreamkid]

[ Matthew is mostly confused but also a touch flustered. ]

What? No. No. We're not dating.

[ Does that sound convincing, because IT'S TRUE. ]

video;

[brushoff]

And yet people say you were kissing? Really Matthew, she's not that kind of girl!

[ aw yeeeeeeah, get it tiny. ]

[Video]

[sleight_of_hand]

[ Wow that really is an annoyingly long advert. Adachi can't help but snicker by the end of it though. ]

What, no fiddle jokes? Way to miss an opportunity!

[Video]

[angelfire]

You want to fiddle with my Big Balls?

[ Suspicious look. Like he's totally serious. ]

[Video]

[sleight_of_hand]

[ ...give him a moment for that to sink in. ]

W-what?! No, not that!

voice

[ofgoldenfoil]

What does Daryl have to do with these incidents?

Voice

[dirtyredneck]

Nothing. Don't you worry about it.

[ofgoldenfoil]

What if they hurt someone innocent and they said they were following your lead?

video;

[angelfire]

You're welcome, everyone.

And incidentally I think that the news should say "ass" if it means "ass".

[ As for brutal murders, the real question is this: how do they know?

What is a crime scene? What is television news? Lucifer doesn't know. Oops? ]

video;

[brushoff]

A question! Does your album come on vinyl?

[ of course Dorian's going to ask that snobby question. ]

video;

[angelfire]

In two weeks, yes. I set this up on the fly, I'm sorry to say printing vinyl took a little more time than I expected.

text;

[23wishes]

i always knew this report was junk

Video

[bindsthedead]

[More murders? Again?]

Looks like I'll be working overtime. And I will never understand this world's taste in music.

video!

[heymcfly]

Aah...How young is young? For the murders?

[wizzardly]

Right, two things here - the first being why in all the gods' names was Calendar Man not in prison for that first ridiculously dangerous stunt?

And second, does anyone know how to make that bloody musical ad stop flying across their screens? I can't even look up the best place to get whelks without being interrupted.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Perhaps you can "Mark" it.

As spam.

[angelfire]

Technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Text

[dirtyredneck]

Ain't no one making no toys of me. I didn't agree to that shit.