VIDEO | 01

[musclemothers]

[Welcome, imPorts, to a face a sight less pretty than the shounen heroes and superheroes you've grown accustomed to. Instead of a bright, youthful face, you get the dour face of a man who has comfortably hit middle age, skin pale, nose hooked, and brows furrowed behind those thick rimmed glasses of his.

He clears his throat. Once he speaks, his voice is predictably nasal, and not at all happy.] All right, so let me get this straight. They drag us in here to be super-heroes - [he uses airquotes for that, as you do] - and they don't even have a proper set of rules?! Look, I'm no stranger to the whole superhero-supervillain, blah blah blah game, but if you don't get held by a set of standards, there's no telling what will happen.

Oh, wait. There is telling what will happen, and I'd tell you, but instead I have a more immediate, pressing complaint. I am a superscientist. And according to this form, I'm supposed to be... a sex therapist? How the hell am I even supposed to begin with what's wrong with--

[Sorry, anyone who wanted to listen to Doc moan and groan any more than he already has, because a bright blue robot enters the frame, crowding Doc half off of his chair, beeping wildly and flailing his limbs, one of them knocking Doc's glasses off.]

Helper, no, Helper, down. You're not helping! No! You don't know anything about sex!

[Helper beeps very insistently. Doc stares at the screen.]

Well, apparently Helper's going to do my job for me. Come say hi if you want sex advice from a robot. [Helper thrusts his arms up in the air and lets out a high-pitched, ebullient series of beeps that could be accurately translated to yay!]

Oh, for the love of -- I wasn't being seriou--

[And the video cuts off there.]

Comments

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[pandorasboombox]

Hey, hey, hey, you forgot the best parts on that bot, kid. Helper's not even a name.

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[musclemothers]

What, do you prefer Helpful Electronic Lab Partner Robot? As far as I'm concerned, Helper is his name. It has been for years!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Don't you require experience in the field to qualify as a "sex therapist"?

[The air quotes are audible.]

[musclemothers]

Ooooh, a virgin joke. Bet you had to think real hard to come up with that one.

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[airshow]

How do you know he doesn't know anything about sex? Those clamps look like they've seen some pretty wild times.

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[musclemothers]

[Doc takes a moment to consider Helper's sex life, or lack thereof. More to the point, he takes a moment to consider the fact that if Helper has been present for any sex shenanigans, it was because of his father, and he doesn't want to consider his father's horrible orgies any more than he's already been forced to.]

...Well if you want those clamps up your ass, be my guest. Just clean him once you're done.

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[liverletdie]

[ A pause. ]

Alright, I'd insult your virility but I think that's been hit home plenty by now.

[ Jesus. Who thought this guy was the expert? ]

But if you must know -- Mr. Superscientist -- [ he says it like it's a joke, sadly. ] but there are rules.

And just because they don't have restrictions doesn't mean we don't have our own that we can enforce.

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[musclemothers]

All right, genius, if you know these rules so well, lay 'em on me. I've been here for, what, a day? It's not like this place comes with a welcome pamphlet.

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[salty_parabolas]

[ Well hey there robot. Holtzmann is way more interested in the tech than you, sorry Doc. ]

Sounds like he's into it.

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[musclemothers]

He's just into it because that's what he's for. His name's Helper for a reason, you know. He helps. Even when he shouldn't.

You ever see a robot try and fight an alligator? Sad.

[Helper, as one may surmise, has been broken many, many times.]

Video;

[hunksmash]

I don't-- I don't know if "Super Scientist" is actually a job, so... I mean, I guess the therapist thing is kinda a leap, but. Yeah. Maybe they just don't have that here? Or people were confused? It seems pretty non-specific.

Then again, dude, I think whoever picked the jobs here is just messing with us. So there's that.

Video;

[musclemothers]

[He raises a hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose.]

I don't know why it's the title everyone keeps getting caught up with. What, there's infinite universes, and the one thing you people don't get is that there's more than one job title out there? It's called working on contract.

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[darwinatrix]

The perfect picture of competence.

[She says, her voice so dry it'd be a fire risk in the Californian summer.]

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[musclemothers]

You caught me. I'm not competent as a sex therapist, having never had the, ahem, need to go to one, nor a degree in Psychiatry. That was my whole point. Congratulations on catching on.

video | id reads "karen starr"

[boobwindow]

Uh...

[ Looking less than impressed, though by Rusty or the robot? Who knows. ]

You can change jobs, just so you know.

[musclemothers]

Wouldn't it be easier for them to just assign us jobs we're trained in in the first place? I mean, they have entire documents on us. It's not a stretch for them to match engineers to engineering jobs, now is it?

VIDEO.

[mantlepieces]

Of course there's no set of standards -- this place is a chaotic dreamworld where nothing actually matters and the best things in life are practically handed to us on a silk pillow. You should leave the super science to your pet robot and try actually enjoying it.

VIDEO.

[musclemothers]

I had a perfectly nice silk pillow at home, and here, we're stuck with 1-ply cotton.

[He lets his overwhelming crankiness abate for a second, however, because that weekly sum of money looks mighty good to a man who, despite his luxurious state of living, struggles to make ends meet.]

So what job did they saddle you with?

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[cantwalkwithoutit]

So your world has a better sense of structure for these things, does it?

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[musclemothers]

If by better structure, you mean any kind of structure at all, then yes, it does. All supervillains have to report to the Guild of Calamitous Intent and go by their rules. Keeps civilian casualties down, and, you know. [He shrugs.] Health care. Nothing to sneeze at, when everyone's jumping off cliffs or digging around in alligator pits.

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[flowerette]

Is your robot experienced in this field?

[ Hey. It's not unheard of. Chilton dated a robot. ]

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[musclemothers]

[Rusty looks very slowly towards Helper, who beeps and waves his clampy little arms in the air, as ungainly as can be, then slowly swivels his head back towards the camera.]

What do you think?

video; ID: Ted Kord; (out of costume)

[deadkord]

Wow, that's the least attractive sexbot I think anyone could possibly have come up with.

[ He pauses, eyeing Doc, then HELPeR, then Doc again. ]

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

[musclemothers]

Why does everyone keep on insisting he's a sexbot?! His name's Helper. He passes me equipment in the lab, and holds things in place, and acts as an extra kidney sometimes.

[One of these things is not like the other!]

The only people making him into a sexbot are the perverts who keep on responding to this. Masochists, I imagine. Not that I'm surprised, what with the whole "superhero" thing.

[He doesn't use air quotes but by god, you can hear them.]

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[asoothingvoice]

[Judging? Judging.]

There are kids on this thing, you know.

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[musclemothers]

And kids know that the word 'sex' exists. All I said was my job title and observed that my robot doesn't know much about sex, which he doesn't. Your point?

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[textualhealing]

[That sure is a scrawny looking bald dude with a robot... Yup.]

Okay but which, out of the two of you, is more experienced? Right now it's seriously hard to tell.

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[musclemothers]

You're not the brightest bulb in the box, are you?