maskormenace | ALIGN 09 ☰ VIDEO;

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ALIGN 09 ☰ VIDEO;

[ To say that Death the Kid looks vexed is an understatement. His normally pristine and pressed black suit is marred by blobs of paint... except half of them look random, and the other half look like they've been painstakingly added in order to laterally mirror the splattered ones. Given that there's now a smudge of paint on the corner of the screen where Kid's turned on the video feed, that might not be so far from the truth. ]

Fellow imPorts, I'm beseeching your most urgent and immediate aid: what is the best method for controlling small children?? I've tried everything I can think of! Reading to them from the even-numbered pages of books, showing them pictures of butterflies, even organizing their newest art projects as an excellent example of rotational symmetry.

But no matter what I try, I can't get them to cooperate! All they want to do is put their paint on me!

[ And trying to keep up with maintaining his (almost) perfectly symmetrical appearance is not going well. ]

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[What the hell?]

Tell 'em art time is over and make a game outta washing their hands and cleaning up. You don't control 'em, you work with 'em. They're still learnin'. You gotta be the one to teach 'em, not push 'em around like they're sheep.

Edited 2016-08-18 01:18 (UTC)

[ SO VEXING, DARYL ]

I understand they're still learning, but they're not infants, surely someone's used the word 'no' with them before. They're between the ages of five and twelve, if that clarifies.

[ To be fair, Kid's version was more 'please for the love of symmetry stop painting on me I'm begging you don't put that there you're destroying my aesthetic' but the general principle stands. ]

A game, I'll try that, yes. What kind of games do children prefer?

What do you want them to do?

To paint neatly, and to clean up when asked, and to not use my suit as a canvas. Not necessarily in that order.

[LEARN TO LOVE ASYMMETRY]

I ain't met them, how should I know? Ask them. They're the kids.

[There is a lot of disbelief and annoyance in his voice. And a short pause before he suggests:]

Tell 'em whoever gets themselves and their stuff cleaned up fast and neat gets a gold star and an extra snack. If they don't like stars, they'll like the snacks. Then reward all of 'em when it's all done, no matter what kind of job they done. If any of them helps another, give those ones two gold stars for going above and beyond what was asked of them.

Hm. I don't know much about this...

[He thinks about that for a moment. He's never even heard of this level of disobedience before. Well.. once. But that was a special case.]

I would look for the reason they're acting this way. If you gain understanding, you may find agreement.

[ ANYTHING BUT THAT ]

Well, you're certainly welcome to come and meet them. Here, this is the address.

[ Bribery, he can do bribery, especially since it's not maliciously intended. Kid is nodding along with the idea right up until Daryl says to reward all of them. ]

What? But then what's the point of the reward if they all get it regardless of how little they've done? That will simply encourage them not to try, knowing they'll get a snack anyway!

Nor do I, unfortunately. And most of the people I know here aren't -- at least to my knowledge -- parents.

... Father would know, I'm sure of it.

No, you reward all of 'em. They did the best they could, so they get a reward for it. You ain't comparing their jobs to no one else's. They aren't competing against each other. You give them all a reward and you give more of a reward to those that did more'n you asked.

Do it any other way and you're just asking for a tantrum. And if you think they're bad now, you ain't gonna live through one of them.

[Daryl accepts the address, but he can't exactly get there right away.]

I guess I could come in a few days. Ain't in the cities.

I think they've got these things for small children called harnesses. It's like a leash for little people.

You lock them in the nearest closet until they promise to behave. Works every time.

[ Sasha hums thoughtfully. ]

Mm... try candy. Children love sweet things.

That would only help if I wanted to keep them in one place, though.

[ a pause, and then, surprised: ]

Welcome back.

Does it? Excellent, there are several closets for supplies here. I'll report back to you my progress in a while.

Bribery's already been suggested, but to give it to all of them, regardless of whether they comply or not, which just seems fundamentally flawed in its approach.

Then it's not a reward, it's merely a bribe.

[ Kid's pretty certain about this fact. ]

And in fact I am comparing their jobs to the state of the art room before I started the class, so there's a definite and clearly achievable goal to be reached.

Aren't. You aren't in the cities.

[ Yes, he went there. ]

Well, good food always works, too. Like bologna sandwiches! And they can pick their favorite vegetables and condiments if they're good.

[ She has no idea if this actually works on people who aren't her. ]

Please do. And remember, they're gonna scream in there as a scare tactic, not because anything's fucking wrong.

[ Finally, some reasonable advice. And it's not like Kid's going to hurt them, after all. ]

Have you had similar jobs before?

Nah, nobody's stupid enough to let me do something like that. I just used to do a little babysitting back in high school; you figure out how kids work pretty fast.

[it also helps that Hazel's maturity levels are on par with that of an emotionally advanced toddler]

[ bro. ]

You should listen to Daryl. That's how we got my sister to quiet down back home. Just positive reinforcement.

Why wouldn't you want to keep them all in one place. Children are chaos and mischief, the smaller they are the more trouble they get up to. Making messes is in their nature, the best you can hope for is that they not get anywhere near glitter. That's when you're really doomed.

[And this is where Loki offers a small wave.]

I've no recollection of anything, but you have my thanks.

[Completely ignoring it because 'ain't' is in the dictionary and Kid can learn that the hard way.]

It's a reward. They ain't know you gonna give them all a reward. This is the first time you're doing it. They'll think they got it cause they all did a good job and the next time, they'll try harder to get an even better reward.

Each time you do it, you set one new goal for them to reach as a group. You work up to getting them to get the place looking the way it did before you started class and until then, you do the rest of the clean up on your own. You're the one responsible for it, not them. Not until you get them to wanna be responsible. And you do that, by not knocking 'em down when they don't even know where the goals are.

I don't doubt it, but he's not here at the moment.

[Time to think. New parents wouldn't automatically know, would they? How do they learn?

... how does anyone learn?]

There might be books on this topic.

I have found that the most effective method in dealing with children is to avoid them.

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