ALIGN 09 ☰ VIDEO;

[grimreaping]

[ To say that Death the Kid looks vexed is an understatement. His normally pristine and pressed black suit is marred by blobs of paint... except half of them look random, and the other half look like they've been painstakingly added in order to laterally mirror the splattered ones. Given that there's now a smudge of paint on the corner of the screen where Kid's turned on the video feed, that might not be so far from the truth. ]

Fellow imPorts, I'm beseeching your most urgent and immediate aid: what is the best method for controlling small children?? I've tried everything I can think of! Reading to them from the even-numbered pages of books, showing them pictures of butterflies, even organizing their newest art projects as an excellent example of rotational symmetry.

But no matter what I try, I can't get them to cooperate! All they want to do is put their paint on me!

[ And trying to keep up with maintaining his (almost) perfectly symmetrical appearance is not going well. ]

Comments

Voice

[dirtyredneck]

[What the hell?]

Tell 'em art time is over and make a game outta washing their hands and cleaning up. You don't control 'em, you work with 'em. They're still learnin'. You gotta be the one to teach 'em, not push 'em around like they're sheep.

Re: Voice

[grimreaping]

[ SO VEXING, DARYL ]

I understand they're still learning, but they're not infants, surely someone's used the word 'no' with them before. They're between the ages of five and twelve, if that clarifies.

[ To be fair, Kid's version was more 'please for the love of symmetry stop painting on me I'm begging you don't put that there you're destroying my aesthetic' but the general principle stands. ]

A game, I'll try that, yes. What kind of games do children prefer?

[Video]

[tacticianing]

What do you want them to do?

Re: [Video]

[grimreaping]

To paint neatly, and to clean up when asked, and to not use my suit as a canvas. Not necessarily in that order.

[video]

[mischiefsmith]

I think they've got these things for small children called harnesses. It's like a leash for little people.

Re: [video]

[grimreaping]

That would only help if I wanted to keep them in one place, though.

[ a pause, and then, surprised: ]

Welcome back.

permatext

[deadtective]

You lock them in the nearest closet until they promise to behave. Works every time.

Re: permatext

[grimreaping]

Does it? Excellent, there are several closets for supplies here. I'll report back to you my progress in a while.

video

[huntergames]

[ Sasha hums thoughtfully. ]

Mm... try candy. Children love sweet things.

Re: video

[grimreaping]

Bribery's already been suggested, but to give it to all of them, regardless of whether they comply or not, which just seems fundamentally flawed in its approach.

video

[112ounces]

[ bro. ]

You should listen to Daryl. That's how we got my sister to quiet down back home. Just positive reinforcement.

Re: video

[grimreaping]

It's hard to offer them positive reinforcement when they seem to delight in doing the precise opposite of what I tell them...

Voice

[absentconstellation]

I have found that the most effective method in dealing with children is to avoid them.

text

[superposition]

+1. Solid strategy.

[The ones who have weaseled into his life already don't count...!!!!!]

Re: Voice

[grimreaping]

Unfortunately, this is the job that has been assigned to me, so at least until I can find a suitable replacement, I can't very well abandon it.

[backinakidflash]

Boring. Who only wants half a story? No wonder they're painting on you. You're stifling them.

[grimreaping]

I am not stifling them! The even numbered pages are clearly the better ones.

video;

[gemmeus]

Why do they want to paint you? [ She seems very surprised at such a concept; why don't people follow the directions... ]

If it's too messy, maybe you should try crayons instead.

Re: video;

[grimreaping]

Unfortunately, the center is for painting, so switching to crayons isn't an option. Besides, I can confirm from experience that crayons can also make a substantial mess.

[ Thanks Patty. ]

( text )

[classification]

Strap them to a chair until they promise to behave. Or until it is time to leave.

Re: ( text )

[grimreaping]

That doesn't seem like a long term solution, though.

video

[fridgeflower]

I think you're probably trying to be too restricted. Children aren't going to calmly do very specific activities.

You might also want to consider more casual clothes if you're going to keep this job.

Re: video

[grimreaping]

But it's a center for fingerpainting, it's intended to be specific!

video;

[earnedmystripes]

One, you might wanna try reading 'em all the pages, and two, no little kid knows what "rotational symmetry" means. I don't even know what rotational symmetry means.

You gotta make it fun for them, or they're not gonna pay attention.

Re: video;

[grimreaping]

An object has rotational symmetry if there is a center point around which the object is turned a certain number of degrees and the object looks the same. The number of positions in which the object looks exactly the same is called the order of the symmetry! It's simply beautiful to behold!

And what's not fun about that?

voice

[komarran]

The same as one handles a military command I imagine. [ Though he has a feeling the kids might listen better. ]

Have you been put in charge of a group of them recently?

Re: voice

[grimreaping]

Yes, as part of the job I was assigned upon coming back through the Porter. Apparently it thought I was a new arrival, despite my being here before.

video;

[marriedmedium]

Leashes, I should think.

Re: video;

[grimreaping]

[ He's giving this legitimate thought. ]

They do make multi-harness ones, I believe.