THE MAJORITY REPORT: DECEMBER 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: DECEMBER 20TH, 2016

RAISING THE BAR
As seen in newspapers, local news channels, and business insider magazines:
Good news for workers looking for jobs in Maurtia Falls!

Due to rising prosperity within the city and increased tourism, many businesses will be raising their wage pay rates in the new year. The success has been attributed to Ambassador Petyr Baelish by a large number of these business owners, citing him as the sole reason for their decision.

"I don't know how he does it. But he came to me promising to turn my bar around. We had a great spot in the city, but not too many customers, you see." Claims Peter Drinklage of Pour Decisions Bar. "But since Ambassador Baelish made his promise and helped to get the word out, business has been booming! He's done great things for our city, and I can only see it getting better from here. I used to hate imPorts. But now I say, bring them on! Most of them are drunks anyway, so they can always get a discount at my bar."

Maurtia Falls is shining brightly into the new year!

HEARTWARMING
As seen on major news outlets and imPort speculation boards:
In something of a Christmas Miracle, another two children who had gone missing in the last six months were returned to their families. They, too, reported that an 'angel' had saved them from the people that had taken them. Both children were from Nonah, though the polices say one was found in Heropa and the other close to Maurita Falls. A package was left with both of them leaving details about where they were found for investigation. Unfortunately, there was nothing in the package to indicate who might have left it.

Alicia Jefferies, the little girl who had been taken to Heropa following her abduction, said that the 'angel' had a 'friend' helping him. So far the only difference in any of the stories of rescue thus far. As with the first child found by this 'angel', none of the children have given further descriptions of him. And if any of the three know his name so we know who to thank, none seem willing to give it.

BREADWINNER
As seen on Rumblr and Bwitter:
A freshly baked meme has taken the internet by storm! People are posting this image of an imPort with punny hashtags like #MuchKneadedRelief or #PoundingDoughTonight. Super markets have seen an uptick in breaded good sales as individuals mimic the pose and posture of this imPort for their own spin on the phenomena. Will this be the last meme of 2016?

MODEL CITIZENS
As seen on TMI and all major imPort gossip magazines:
Let's hear it for the hottest imPort models this world's stage has to offer! These stunning beauties have inspired fresh and bold make-up lines featuring their signature self! Get engulfed in a sunset palette inspired by Hemali, or beautiful spring lip gloss line that screams Fluttershy! Even Komasan is muse to a neon eyeshadow that is simply out of this world!

KISS AND TELL
As seen on TMI's First Scoop TV segment, website, and magazine article; other celebrity and imPort gossip venues; Heropa's Next Top Model:
'Just Kiss Already!' has officially turned to 'They Kissed!' for imPort couple Daryl Dixon and Mako Mori.

The last month and a half they've been denying any involvement with each other beyond the strictly professional, but we were there -- reporting on Heropa's Next Top Model imPort Contest when the two simply couldn't stop themselves from sharing a lip-lock during the Beauty and Decay photo shoot.

It was one sweet kiss that's sure to keep them warm with or without the fireplace.

(Several shots from the photoshoot in question accompany the segment.)

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from PEPPERMINT to CONSTANTINE LIME because it's both a slant rhyme and a mean joke.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[Text]

[sleight_of_hand]

H A !

That bar pun is perfect! Next I go drinking, I'm going there just for that.

video;

[heckblazer]

[ No words. Just him making this face. ]

[devoutish]

Is this why they won't fucking stop calling in to my show?

[ugh, fans]

[heckblazer]

Hardly seems like you knead the attention, mate.

[ Because if he has to be stuck in pun hell with that damned colour code, he wants company. ]

[devoutish]

Usually it's just the interview requests. Or the love confessions; I've gotten three of those. But this past week, right, I've had too many joke calls to count. I've had to start screening them.

[heckblazer]

Really sounds like you're having naan of it.

[devoutish]

The what?

[heckblazer]

Rye-t then. Sorry for loafing around, bruv.

[devoutish]

You're not bad at these, mate. Give a challah if you think up more, eh?

[Holler.]

[heckblazer]

[ Did he just...? ]

It's the yeast I could do.

[devoutish]

Lucky they can't see this. I don't want to fucking encourage them.

[helpline]

There's a show? Is that why this became a thing?

[ because who doesn't understand memes, THIS GUY. ]

[devoutish]

I've got a radio show. A cooking show, yeah.

[He does all he can to actively repel listeners, up to and including insulting them on-air, and still they come.]

[helpline]

Oh, good! Do you know anything about cake?

[ cooking show = he knows how to cook = HELP A MAN OUT, PLEASE ]

[devoutish]

A bit. Yeah. Why?

[helpline]

Why exactly do I keep messing it up?

[ congrats Alfie, the Doctor's That Sort Of Obnoxious Person who calls in to the show and just isn't helpful about what they're doing wrong. ]

[devoutish]

How am I supposed to fucking know? I haven't seen your cooking.

[helpline]

Well it keeps telling me to add things like baking powder. That's stupid, why d'you need baking powder in the first place?

[devoutish]

Because you're fucking baking.

[helpline]

But it doesn't do anything!

[devoutish]

Enjoy your awful cakes, then.

[helpline]

They're not awful. They're just not cakes.

[devoutish]

I'm sure they're awful.

[helpline]

I'll bring one to the party, you can see how not-awful they are.

[devoutish]

You're also going to wear a silly hat, yeah?

[You'd better wear a silly hat, Doctor. It's the best way to be respectful of his totally-made-up alien customs.]

[helpline]

It's got antlers on it and everything. It's a festive silly hat.

[devoutish]

[Antlers.]

Don't tell me any more about it. I'd like it to be a surprise.

[helpline]

Then surprise it'll be! Hope they're festive enough for you.

[devoutish]

Will you be trying out my other tradition? Walking barefoot outside in the snow?

[helpline]

Well, I live in Heropa. I can walk barefoot outside in the muggy humidity, snow's right out.

[devoutish]

You've got to go north or this will never work.

[helpline]

Normally I would. But there's only twenty-four hours in a day and this stupid universe hasn't given me my TARDIS yet. I'm swamped!

[devoutish]

Your--?

[Dafuq is a TARDIS, Doctor?]

[helpline]

My time machine—the TARDIS! It stands for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.

[devoutish]

Just use a Porter to pop up north, mate; that's no excuse.

[helpline]

I meant I've already got Christmas day planned. I can't hop up to Pennsylvania for fifteen or so minutes.

[devoutish]

Are you sure? Fifteen minutes, that's nothing.

[helpline]

For you maybe. I've got the whole day planned out already!

[devoutish]

Well, all right, but know that you will be disrespecting my customs.

[helpline]

Well, I've got the hat. Points shall be awarded for trying.

[devoutish]

No, no. We're a judgmental people.

[helpline]

Who said you were the one awarding the points?

video;

[helpline]

The frog made more sense than this bread thing—which, considering the frog was stupid, that's not saying much.

[ oh shit, don't slander dat boi ]