twenty-three swords skewer the wrong things.

[swordedpast]

[ video ]

[ Archer stands in one aisle of a small supermarket, staring grimly at a shelf not currently visible. Finally, he speaks. ]

An entire aisle of variations of something called "Hamburger Helper." I see. The situation here is really more dire than I imagined.

[ There's only a faint hint of sarcasm to his voice--maybe even less than usual. He's really affronted by this, as much as he might try to deny it. ]

I had hoped to hold off on sharing this guide I'd prepared, but it seems it can't be helped. Here. I'm giving you my wisdom as someone who's had to learn a thing or two about cooking over the years, so appreciate it.

[ Click. ]

[ switch to text ]

I've compiled a helpful guide that this place's cuisine seems to be in need of. Please take note.

Places "Jell-O" Belongs
♦ On a plate at the bedside of an ill person who cannot hold down solid food.
♦ In a quivering mass in front of the swords and spells of our heroes in a roleplaying game.

Places "Jell-O" Does Not Belong
♦ Anything referred to as a salad.
♦ Seafood dishes. Seafood dishes.
♦ An entire cake.
♦ Any mixture of vegetables, whether or not you consider it distinct from a salad.
♦ Near, around, beneath, or on top of eggs.
♦ Mixed into liver pate.

Attached: a nightmarish image. Access carefully.

Additional note: mayonnaise also does not belong in most places you wouldn't put jello.

Comments

voice

[fishbreath]

This is, I think, a little about the food on the ship? I liked the shrimp and jello there, it was a very pleasant taste.

voice

[swordedpast]

Yeah, it's a little about that. Well, I have to be blunt here. Are you human?

[fishbreath]

No. This is a factor?

[swordedpast]

I see. I'm guessing you were never human.

Jello seafood goes against human nature. There's something really twisted about this society.

[fishbreath]

I see.

( thoughtful pause... )

But, humans are the only species native to Earth, yes? So humans have made it, then how does it... ( carefully: ) Go against human nature?

[swordedpast]

Hah, I see, you don't know humans very well at all.

[ A hint of bitter laughter in his voice. ]

We're a really warped and self-destructive species. We bring ruin on ourselves.

I just never thought that ruin would involve shrimp in gelatin.

[fishbreath]

[ she thinks... that it's possible... this guy is being ridiculously overdramatic. but she can't be sure. ]

Ah. Yes, that is... very sad. But, if it will help, I will be happy to eat some of it for you.

text;

[gandere]

[ Well, she may as well try to screw with him. Attached is a picture as well as the following text: ]

I think I decided on my dinner for tonight.
Maybe I'll have some Jell-O for dessert.

text;

[swordedpast]

What you're doing is what they call "trolling," Rin. I know you wouldn't eat like that.

[ Or does he? ]

text;

[gandere]

[ There's no reply for about four minutes, but then he'll get a picture of not one, but two overcooked pastries. They're split from being nuked in the microwave for a while and don't look appealing at all. ]

It's all I can afford on my budget.
You see, my job here is full-time student.

text;

[swordedpast]

You're serious...

text;

[gandere]

Then after this I'll have a dessert cup...
I saved up for it for two weeks and today is my dessert day.
I can't wait.

text;

[swordedpast]

I refuse to be baited like this, Rin.

text;

[gandere]

I think it expired a month ago too.
My stomach will hate me, but my mouth is watering up.

text;

[swordedpast]

yOU CAN"T DO THIS

text;

[gandere]

This is part of my budget in this new world.
I have to save every penny.
I even recycle the cardboard containers these things are cooked in.

audio;

[swordedpast]

Where are you?!

audio;

[gandere]

[ Surprised. He wants to talk to her now? ]

At my residence. [ Not her 'home'. ] Where else would I be for dinner, Archer?

audio;

[swordedpast]

Which residence.

[ It galls him to admit he doesn't know. ]

audio;

[gandere]

The one I've been assigned to.

[ Now she's screwing with him. ] If you were in a pact with me, I bet you'd be able to locate my presence.

audio;

[swordedpast]

I see. I'll just check every house until I find one emanating wails of anguish from someone who's eaten a "Hot Pocket."

audio;

[gandere]

I'll give you a hint if you like.

[ A beat. ] The one Kirei Kotomine lives in.

Voice

[goodbadimthguywiththgun]

[Floyd had started working his first day at the museum and he was sporadically checking the comm, during his lunch-break, when this message came on; the killer shrugs and, for the hell of it, calls up this guy and says, with a mouth full of vending-machine tuna-salad sammich,] Guy, why're you so picky 'bout what you eat?

Anytime's a good time for jello. 'Least in my experience.

[psychomancy]

And this is a necessary guide because...?

text.

[klutziness]

Dude, flans were literally my least favorite things to fight back home.