maskormenace | twenty-three swords skewer the wrong things.

[ video ]

[ Archer stands in one aisle of a small supermarket, staring grimly at a shelf not currently visible. Finally, he speaks. ]

An entire aisle of variations of something called "Hamburger Helper." I see. The situation here is really more dire than I imagined.

[ There's only a faint hint of sarcasm to his voice--maybe even less than usual. He's really affronted by this, as much as he might try to deny it. ]

I had hoped to hold off on sharing this guide I'd prepared, but it seems it can't be helped. Here. I'm giving you my wisdom as someone who's had to learn a thing or two about cooking over the years, so appreciate it.

[ Click. ]

[ switch to text ]

I've compiled a helpful guide that this place's cuisine seems to be in need of. Please take note.

Places "Jell-O" Belongs
♦ On a plate at the bedside of an ill person who cannot hold down solid food.
♦ In a quivering mass in front of the swords and spells of our heroes in a roleplaying game.

Places "Jell-O" Does Not Belong
♦ Anything referred to as a salad.
♦ Seafood dishes. Seafood dishes.
♦ An entire cake.
♦ Any mixture of vegetables, whether or not you consider it distinct from a salad.
♦ Near, around, beneath, or on top of eggs.
♦ Mixed into liver pate.

Attached: a nightmarish image. Access carefully.

Additional note: mayonnaise also does not belong in most places you wouldn't put jello.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ There's no reply for about four minutes, but then he'll get a picture of not one, but two overcooked pastries. They're split from being nuked in the microwave for a while and don't look appealing at all. ]

It's all I can afford on my budget.
You see, my job here is full-time student.

You're serious...

Then after this I'll have a dessert cup...
I saved up for it for two weeks and today is my dessert day.
I can't wait.

I refuse to be baited like this, Rin.

I think it expired a month ago too.
My stomach will hate me, but my mouth is watering up.

yOU CAN"T DO THIS

This is part of my budget in this new world.
I have to save every penny.
I even recycle the cardboard containers these things are cooked in.

Where are you?!

[ Surprised. He wants to talk to her now? ]

At my residence. [ Not her 'home'. ] Where else would I be for dinner, Archer?

Which residence.

[ It galls him to admit he doesn't know. ]

The one I've been assigned to.

[ Now she's screwing with him. ] If you were in a pact with me, I bet you'd be able to locate my presence.

I see. I'll just check every house until I find one emanating wails of anguish from someone who's eaten a "Hot Pocket."

I'll give you a hint if you like.

[ A beat. ] The one Kirei Kotomine lives in.

--that isn't funny, Rin.

You must have me mistaken with someone who can tell a joke. Last I knew, I wasn't a comedian or anything of the sort.

[ Hmph. ] I've been assigned to a house full of questionable men and robot.

Who the hell did these assignments?! You--

[ --deserve better than that. He cuts himself off. ]

Deserve what?

I'm a student with a part time job. I'm fortunate enough to have a place I can stay whereas other adults in my position would be living on the streets or with their parents. Since mine are dead, I'll have to settle for what I can get.

[ She's strongly lacking in her usual confidence. ]

[ A brief pause. ]

I see. Well, Rin, prepare yourself. I'm going to come steal you away from that nonsense.

[ There should be a wry note to his voice as he says a thing like that, but for some reason, right now there's only aggressive determination there. ]

You are?

[ She wants to sound hopeful, but there has to be a catch, right? There's got to be a catch! Archer wants nothing to do with her and here he is saying things that make her heart flutter. ]

Don't be stupid, Archer. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

You're not.

[ Truth escapes him, to his own surprise, but he doesn't think about that much right now. ]

You're brilliant, but also weak, so you need me to come take care of you. That's just how it is. Accept it.

I need you to come take care of me, but you won't so I have to stand on my own!

[ It hurts how easy it is for her to slip up like this in front of him. Why does telling the man she love the truth feel like a dagger slipping into her heart? ]

That's how it is, Archer. Heroes stand alone so if I'm going to be a Hero as I'm registered to be, I, I, I have to learn from your stupid example!

You idiot. It can't be helped, then. I have to beat up everyone in your residence and take you away somewhere.

[ Wait, what? CLICK. He's gone. ]

[ YOU CAN'T JUST HANG UP ON RIN TOHSAKA!!! ]

twenty-three swords skewer the wrong things.

text;

text;

text;

text;

text;

text;

text;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

no subject