maskormenace | twenty-three swords skewer the wrong things.

[ video ]

[ Archer stands in one aisle of a small supermarket, staring grimly at a shelf not currently visible. Finally, he speaks. ]

An entire aisle of variations of something called "Hamburger Helper." I see. The situation here is really more dire than I imagined.

[ There's only a faint hint of sarcasm to his voice--maybe even less than usual. He's really affronted by this, as much as he might try to deny it. ]

I had hoped to hold off on sharing this guide I'd prepared, but it seems it can't be helped. Here. I'm giving you my wisdom as someone who's had to learn a thing or two about cooking over the years, so appreciate it.

[ Click. ]

[ switch to text ]

I've compiled a helpful guide that this place's cuisine seems to be in need of. Please take note.

Places "Jell-O" Belongs
♦ On a plate at the bedside of an ill person who cannot hold down solid food.
♦ In a quivering mass in front of the swords and spells of our heroes in a roleplaying game.

Places "Jell-O" Does Not Belong
♦ Anything referred to as a salad.
♦ Seafood dishes. Seafood dishes.
♦ An entire cake.
♦ Any mixture of vegetables, whether or not you consider it distinct from a salad.
♦ Near, around, beneath, or on top of eggs.
♦ Mixed into liver pate.

Attached: a nightmarish image. Access carefully.

Additional note: mayonnaise also does not belong in most places you wouldn't put jello.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is, I think, a little about the food on the ship? I liked the shrimp and jello there, it was a very pleasant taste.

Yeah, it's a little about that. Well, I have to be blunt here. Are you human?

No. This is a factor?

(no subject)

swordedpast - 2014-02-19 00:52 (UTC) - Expand

fishbreath - 2014-02-19 00:57 (UTC) - Expand

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fishbreath - 2014-02-23 02:13 (UTC) - Expand

[ Well, she may as well try to screw with him. Attached is a picture as well as the following text: ]

I think I decided on my dinner for tonight.
Maybe I'll have some Jell-O for dessert.

What you're doing is what they call "trolling," Rin. I know you wouldn't eat like that.

[ Or does he? ]

[ There's no reply for about four minutes, but then he'll get a picture of not one, but two overcooked pastries. They're split from being nuked in the microwave for a while and don't look appealing at all. ]

It's all I can afford on my budget.
You see, my job here is full-time student.

text;

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audio;

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[Floyd had started working his first day at the museum and he was sporadically checking the comm, during his lunch-break, when this message came on; the killer shrugs and, for the hell of it, calls up this guy and says, with a mouth full of vending-machine tuna-salad sammich,] Guy, why're you so picky 'bout what you eat?

Anytime's a good time for jello. 'Least in my experience.

I see. You're the problem.

Blunt way of putting it, [but the assassin doesn't deny it.

Gulp. Down goes the bite.] Think you're probably making this problem bigger 'n it has to be. Ain't like jello went and hurt nobody.

swordedpast - 2014-02-20 13:29 (UTC) - Expand

goodbadimthguywiththgun - 2014-02-21 13:01 (UTC) - Expand

And this is a necessary guide because...?

Have you seen some of the abominations they call food around here? Were you on that stupid cruise ship?

[she laughs]

I wasn't, no. Was there a Jell-O incident?

swordedpast - 2014-02-20 13:28 (UTC) - Expand

psychomancy - 2014-03-01 01:56 (UTC) - Expand

Dude, flans were literally my least favorite things to fight back home.

That's not surprising. A flan is a real dessert, unlike a Jell-O or a slime.

[ He played Dragon Quest, not Final Fantasy. ]

[woe is her]

Pretty sure Jell-O is a dessert here. I've never eaten flan though I bet it's gross.

You're right, that is nightmarish.

It's really a sign of how reality has decayed here.

Assuming it was ever any better.

detriments - 2014-02-25 00:32 (UTC) - Expand

Does this "Jell-O" even require cooking, Archer?

You have to boil water, but that can hardly be considered cooking.

sorry not sorry (but realyl sorry)

auntyquated - 2014-02-21 03:31 (UTC) - Expand

A bit of a harsh critique on a food meant for the fun times. Have you ever had Jell-O? It lives up to the better parts of its reputation. Grapes suspended in its midst, and the wiggle! It's hypnotizing!

[A thoughtful pause, and he speaks mostly to himself.]

And entire cake made of Jell-O ... all that's needed is someone to jump into it ...

[this could certainly be arranged.]

Why would you ruin a cake, even a cake made of Jell-O, by having someone jump into it?

[Not actually answering the question, though.]

AUDIO.

selfimage - 2014-02-20 14:16 (UTC) - Expand

selfimage - 2014-02-22 16:36 (UTC) - Expand

Some of those don't sound too bad, actually.

[ Trust the walking stomach to have a skewed sense of perspective... ]

...which of those don't sound too bad?

voice;

topslug - 2014-02-22 10:57 (UTC) - Expand

oi oi mayo is delicious!!!

[he doesn't care that much about jello, but don't speak ill of the mayonnaise okok....]

voice

voice

no subject