-5° - [video] - The Fastest Turtle Alive

[catchacold]

[The video opens with a turtle on a skateboard. The turtle has an emblem on its shell, a lightning bolt in a white circle. It looks rather unperturbed by the entire situation.

A slight shuffle can be heard and then the turtle's skateboard gets a push. It starts rolling across the room. The turtle looks as nonplussed as a turtle can look. It's not very.

The skateboard isn't moving all that fast, but for a turtle? Pretty damn fast. The camera moves along with it, only slightly shaky. A hand can be seen stopping the skateboard before it hits the sofa. The same hand shortly thereafter produces a lettuce leaf and puts it down on the skateboard, something that gets more of the turtle's interest than the entire adventure so far.

While the turtle eats, the hand holds up a sign that reads: THE FASTEST TURTLE ALIVE!]



[The camera zooms out a little, showing a sleeping Mick Rory, stretched out on the sofa with a sign propped up against him.]



[Finally the camera turns, revealing the face of the mastermind behind all this, angling the shot so he can be seen sitting on the ground, leaning back against the sofa and petting the turtle's shell.]

This turtle needs a name for its secret identity. I take suggestions!

[He moves to turn the feed off, then thinks better of it.]

Rincewind, tell me if you want your turtle back. Just remember that it has the heard of a hero. [Wait, this is Rincewind he's addressing.] Metaphorically.

Also, Flash? You're on. My money's on the turtle.

Anyone else care to make a bet? Fastest Man Alive or the turtle, tell me your odds.

Comments

[wizzardly]

You - ! You putting him on one of those infernal, rolling wood slabs doesn't mean he's suddenly some sort of hero!

[WAVING HIS ARMS. FOR. EMPHASIS.]

He can barely make it across the carpet without running into a wall or nearly tumbling down the stairs! - Just look at him!

[yes, look at the turtle munching on leafy greens, utterly unconcerned with either of them.]

[accelerate]

Dude!

[ your turtle is seriously the coolest turtle ever, and that's with bias involved right now. ]

Have you never seen Speed? Everyone thinks the bus is slow, because buses are slow, but if you let Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock behind the wheel it suddenly goes super fast. One minute you're at the bus stop boarding and the next you're gone in the flash!

[ he claps his hands, like that's meant to show the turtle comes and goes in a flash. ]

If you've named your turtle Bus — which, I'm wondering if that's animal cruelty? — then he can totally be Flash!

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind is generally pretty good with foreign languages, but Barry appears to be speaking one he's never heard before. There's a short pause before he latches onto the piece of the conversation he could follow.]

His full name's Turturibus, it was only Bus for short. And he's a turtle, they're supposed to go slow, otherwise they'd be - careening off walls and things, which would hardly be safe.

[another (somewhat sulky) pause.]

...And you keep saying "flash" as if that should mean something important. Is there a reason for that?

[accelerate]

[ barry allen speaking a foreign language — yep, rincewind's got it right. ]

Because — [ he is the flash, he can be gone in a flash, he can appear in a flash. he really needs to get a new motto going for himself. ] the Flash is cool! The Flash may not have a cool shell like Turturibus, but he's got speed! And Bus could totally kick his ass, I don't know why Snart's even bothering with this bet because I hear even the Flash bets on Bus and that's, you know, against him.

[ talking about himself in the third person is another superpower of barry's. has he sold rincewind on the fact he's not the flash? he'd say so. even though, you know, it wouldn't be surprising if he didn't. ]

Bus is cool. But I think if he wanted to careen off the walls, he could. His shell looks pretty solid.

[wizzardly]

You can't use this Flash person as a reference when I've never heard of them, that doesn't work.

[(sorry for the unintentional burn there, Mr. Flash)]

Also, I suddenly have very real doubts that you know how turtles work. "Careening" isn't a word meant to be in their vocabulary. I mean, a bone's a rather solid thing, but we don't go throwing people into buildings when we can help it, do we?

[accelerate]

But now you have!

[ problem solved. ]

I mean ... [ barry pulls a face, one that suggests he's about to disagree. ] Some people do? Wrestling's a good example, if you ignore all the bad storylines. And some metas back home liked to throw people into walls. [ but he digresses, he wants to talk up the turtle! ] You should just not underestimate your turtle. He's a badass if he can defeat the Flash in a race.

[wizzardly]

I don't know, maybe this Flash person is just using their name to intimidate people. I mean, I can go around calling myself The Rippling Pectorals, but just because I say it doesn't mean I've actually got the muscles. Who's to say he's not just been building himself up this whole time, like a sort of - marketing strategy. He could just be sort of averagely fast.

[accelerate]

The Rippling Pectorals ... [ you'd think that's a bad name, but with the way barry's considering it, he doesn't. sounds kind of badass. imagine knocking out bad guys with pecs! ]

[ but barry's distracted. anyone who likes to rename the flash or challenge his speed is always met with him trying to do some pr work. this is no different. he laughs a little, as though rincewind has informed him water is not wet. ]

The Flash is not averagely fast. Trust me. He's quicker than lightning! He'll show you if you want!

[wizzardly]

[HMMMMM]

...Right. And you're his... representative then, I take it?

[accelerate]

I'm just a fan!

[ #nailed it. ]

We're from the same city. I don't know him that well, just whatever the newspapers tell me! They're always believable, right? Unless they're talking about the Kardashians, then you've got to watch their show to see if it's true or not.

[ again, #nailed it. he's so going to high-five himself later. ]

[wizzardly]

Right.

Well - [strolling right past that (hopefully rhetorical) question] - however well you know this Flash fellow, you're likely to have some competition for your fan club, if I know the people here. And I do, unfortunately.

[catchacold]

I've no idea why you're knocking your turtle. You really think most superheroes are any better? Some get hit by lightning and that's supposed to mean that they're in the hero business. Others shrink. What's heroic about that?

[He reaches out to hold a lettuce leaf out to Bus, so he stretches his neck a little. It's the most action he's had all day.]

[wizzardly]

If there's anyone "knocking" my turtle, it's you! Because you're the one putting him on dangerous wheeled things that could go knocking into walls!

And you're missing the point, which is he's not supposed to be a hero. There's nothing good about it! The best thing you can do for him is let him alone to eat his cucumbers in peace.

[a beat.]

Which is the best thing you could do for anybody, really.

[catchacold]

Oh, come on. I was there the whole time, he was perfectly safe. He's good at holding his balance anyway. I wouldn't put you on a skateboard.

[He can easily imagine how that would go.]

You want to be alone and eat cucumbers?

[wizzardly]

Good, because I'd bloody well thump you for trying.

[he takes a moment to consider the question.]

Well. ...I'd prefer potatoes. But yes. That sounds marvelous.

[catchacold]

Huh.

[Fancy that.]

How do you like your potatoes prepared?

[wizzardly]

How don't I like my potatoes prepared, would be the better question.