THE MAJORITY REPORT: JUNE 20TH, 2017

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JUNE 20TH, 2017The Summer Solstice has arrived! Get out your favorite imPort-themed brews and crack open a cold one -- you might need the relief from that gorgeous sun beaming from above. And remember! If your loved ones are acting strange, please report them to the proper authorities for evaluation.

A REGULAR FUNSLINGER
As seen in Maurtia Falls papers and the nightly news:
Investigators are searching for a man in a cowboy hat who has robbed at least ten banks in Virginia over the last five months, six of which were within De Chima city limits. Some eyewitnesses claim to have seen the robber turn to smoke, fueling speculation that he could be an imPort.

He’s been described as a 50-60 year old male with blue eyes and a “country” accent -- and he’s not always alone. In at least two incidents, the suspect was accompanied by accomplices with unidentified super powers, and surveillance footage of the most recent robbery shows him leaving the scene on horseback. Although the suspect is said to carry weapons, no serious injuries have been reported.

Police wouldn’t comment on whether or not they believed similar robberies in other states might be connected.

Anyone with information about these robberies is asked to contact the De Chima police department.

ART THAT MAKES YOU THINK
As seen in The De Chimera, art publications, and Neurology Today!:
Mere months after the Hellish nightmare warscape that swept America, the culprit Joseph Kavinsky has been caught and rehabilitated, and he is now making his amends. His first donation was to the De Chima Museum of Science, a brain scan and livefeed hologram generator! Up to three participants at a time can utilize headsets to show neurological interactions. Pending further safety testing, the exhibit will open to the public in late June under the title, the John Murphy Exhibit. The show will continue for three months until the devices move on to medical retro-engineering. Mr. Kavinsky credits his inspiration to Dr. Frederick Chilton.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BEER BUT BEER ITSELF
As seen in local papers, social media, Bwitter MoMents:
Just in time for Fanport, Blue Man Brewing Co. is back with seven more freshly tapped beers! Check out your favorite imPorts we're honoring this time around:

Rincewind: Wizzard Brown Ale- English Brown Ale made with pecans. Maybe it's a little nutty, but we guarantee it's magically delicious! Our in-house Wiccan insisted on blessing each barrel, so maybe that did something?

Kanaya Maryam: Kanaya Marjoram- A classic saison with a twist, brewed with sweet marjoram. Look, it's not the best beer, but we’re standing by the pun.

Frederick Chilton: Take A Chil-ton Pils- Our classiest creation, this is a German-style pilsner. This is not a chugging beer; it's best served with a good, grilled brat.

Clara Oswald: Oswild Berry Cider- Blackcurrant and blackberry cider. If you're not totally into beer, this is something as sweet and sassy as it's namesake. Also British.

Harley Quinn: Barley Quinn- Golden Ale with strawberries. Great for barbecues, summer parties, or chugging before you go and key your ex boyfriend’s car.

Persephone: The Screamer IPA- A pomegranate infused IPA. Sure it's pink and bitter, but it's also the best thing you've ever heard...uh, tasted!

Count Dooku: Down for the Count- A dark, thick stout with a high ABV, infused with chili powder. Due to public health concerns, we’re legally required to sell this in single bottles only.

Get your six pack or full pour from our brewery, now open all week. And don't forget to come see us at our tent at Fanport, where we’ll be raffling off special edition bottles, merchandise, and even a keg of your own choice!

JUST ALEX JONESIN' YA
As heard online, on all the best podcast-supporting websites, and discussed in metahuman-related conspiracy blogs:
This month’s episode of Count Dooku’s political podcast Counting Truths features imPort survivalist celebrity Daryl Dixon and Unsettled (and recently AWOL) goddess superstar Persephone to discuss imPort NANITES. The Count asks his guests whether they think it is fair for imPorts to be injected with machines without their permission, in the name of safety.

The first part of Daryl’s answer is a simple “It’s bullshit.” He’s of the mind that the nanite injection should be a choice and, potentially, a privilege to be ‘earned’ or ‘lost’ by those it benefits the most: namely, murderers. The supposed goal of making sure all those wrongfully brought to this world by the Porter survive to get sent back sounds noble on the surface, but in practice… Between it and the legal system the government has in place for imPorts, too many asshole imPorts get away with literal murder. Along with the invasiveness of being able to track each of them, somehow monitor their actions enough to know if they’re breaking any laws to get one of those non-registration labels (but not do anything to stop them or alert people who can), giving them an unasked for tattoo that glows, and who knows what other changes they could be making? As he said at the start: “bullshit.”

Persephone says that’s not even all the levels of bullshit. No duh the government kidnapping and shooting people up while they’re out is sketch as hell. It’s not just tracking, permanently marking, and even resurrection (like everyone even wants that). Why should anyone trust that’s ALL it does?

Even more than that, it’s a BS patch on The Actual Problem. There’s only imPorts in the first place because the US is messing with power they don’t understand. Basically every story about that ends the same way. Abusing imPort rights now that they’re here doesn’t change that.

The Count closes the episode by thanking his guests for their participation and encouraging concerned listeners to take action on these issues by organizing and lobbying their elected imPort Ambassadors.

DID IT HURT WHEN HEAVEN SCENT YOU
As seen mentioned in imPort-city papers:
ATTENTION IMPORT VOLUNTEERS! For those of you who had WILLINGLY AND WITTINGLY given your consent for a few samples, we have great news for you! As a deep and sincere thank you, HEAVEN SCENT LLC is sending you one of their CUTTING EDGE clone kits (parts one and two, small dark room for growing period not included). Obtain the desired clone DNA sample and follow the simple instructions -- in two weeks the sample you left quietly alone in a dark room will be your NEW cloned organism! Some rules apply:
1) only ONE kit per imPort volunteer
2) only ONE kit can successfully clone ONE organism
3) HUMAN BEINGS cannot be cloned
4) IMPORTS cannot be cloned
5) any attempt to replicate the chemical formulas and the kit's propagated DNA sequencing will render the samples and the trademark chemicals inert. Nothing can be learned from HEAVEN SCENT's technological technique this way.
6) while there is nothing barring you from reselling the kit, the practice would be highly frowned upon and HEAVEN SCENT would put you in their naughty books.
7) Please be cognizant of the responsibility inherent to giving life.

Congratulations, imPort volunteers! Be safe, be with SCIENCE!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from BIKINI SAND to GAMBOGE.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[itistolaugh]

Oh neat! I sound yummy!

[continuousgroaning]

is gamboge a bad thing? I'm confused

video;

[pyrogue]

Glad they're not cloning humans 'cause I'm kinda done with clones.

[siriusly]

Clone kit? Who on Earth thinks that's a good idea to just dish out?

...I guess if it's not people, then that's fine, but...man. This place's technology is really all over the place.

[notyourfathersosborn]

Yeah, that bit about cloning doesn't sound suspicious at all.


[Ugh, no more clones.]

[dun_moch]

Clones. Of course, it would have to be clones.

This 'Heaven Scent' establishment appears to be less and less trustworthy each time they appear. I suspect a plot in motion against the imPorts.

[driftsintobuffetline]

When ISN'T there a plot in motion against the imPorts?

[therewillbeorder]

I'm sure you have had extensive experience in dealing with clones already.

[reexamined]

What's the worst that could happen? They assemble an army?

[He couldn't not comment. It was calling to him.]

[dirtyredneck]

Weren't they the ones making perfume. What the hell does cloning have to do with smelling like flowers?

[driftsintobuffetline]

Daryl. Man. Read a comic book. This is totally how this weird shit starts. Next we'll be overrun with ravenous scented clones or something.

[aggressiveapathy]

Motherfucker.

[infomodder]

You want a Chilton?

[therewillbeorder]

I didn't think that technology on this planet had progressed to the point of cloning. It's not something to be trifled with lightly, however.

[sleight_of_hand]

I am so trying every one of those beers.

Especially the Down for the Count. If they're limiting it, that sounds like a challenge.

[dun_moch]

Please do not encourage this nonsense by purchasing their product.

[glowsferatu]

I can't even complain about the dilution of my brand. It is a rather decent pun.

Everything about the clones and the rather typically uninformed opinions on nanites isn't as fun in a very typical way, though.

[faderbroderson]

It's certainly better than mine was.

What would you say differently about the nanites?

[faithfulson]

I... don't know how I feel about getting a cloning kit...

[ Guess who volunteered? Guess who regrets volunteering? ]

[carbonfrozen]

what did i tell you

[codeoracle]

Oooh...I wish I had gotten one of those kits. [Guess who's not using anon for once! What a shocker.]

[lempereur]

I have no use for mine.

[pillz]

when will space gay stop ignoring me

[slightlyoffchilt]

You have been industrious.

text

[h2no]

SEEING AS I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FUN WITH IT, WHO WANTS A CLONING THING?
PAY ME.

text

[sleight_of_hand]

I'll take it.

What do you want for it?

[dumbfound]

Whats marjoram?

[ There's a three minute pause, and suddenly. ]

Wait clones??????

[glowsferatu]

its an herb related to oregano
generally used in more savory dishes
generally considered an odd ingredient to add to an ale

TEXT

[pummelgranite]

Boo, should be cider. Grains are Demeter's thing.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Now I know what to get you for whatever special occasion.

video;

[wizzardly]

Right, do I get paid for this somehow?

Also - and this is more important - does this mean that beer is now free for me? Is there an address for this, or should I just be expecting a delivery?

[itistolaugh]

Oh, yours sounds good too. Can't wait to taste you!

[does she even hear herself]

video;

[shifting]

Of course the robber's a goddamn imPort.

And I don't trust that "clone kit" shit anymore'n I trust how they handled that mess with the perfume. Does anyone actually even know anything about this company?