X05 | Text | UN: D33

[d33tached]

Given what you've experienced in this world, would you return to your own if given the choice?

Comments

[Text]

[pale_blue_arrow]

of course not. my world is a shithole and i'd have no real chance of making a career out of anything back there, let alone live as good as i do here or be as safe as i am. i'd be perfectly happy if i never set foot back there again.

[d33tached]

[A rather forthright answer. Despite his distaste for Brendan, he can appreciate that.]

I find it interesting that you might consider yourself safer within this world.

I might venture to guess that a great deal of others might not feel the same.

What sort of perils faced you in your own world, then?

[pale_blue_arrow]

i'm from a very crime-heavy part of california back home. people get killed or kill themselves to avoid shit worse than death, drug addiction is a fate worse than death too if you're unlucky enough to live long enough to see the side effects, and there's breathtaking poverty everywhere.

i don't just feel safer in this world, i have a choice here to be someone more successful and make something out of myself. back home, where you were born determined your future with very, VERY few exceptions. it's not just a matter of staying alive, there's now actually something worth staying alive FOR.

[d33tached]

[Another interesting response - one that D33 (surprisingly enough) finds himself relating to. Something worth surviving for aside from simple survival. And he can certianly relate to being born within a world that determined your future - and in his world, there were no exceptions.

[Of course, he won't easily admit so.]

You have found happiness here, then.

Is that right?

[pale_blue_arrow]

eventually i did, yeah. all that mental baggage from back home follows people here, like ghosts. contrary to what most people think, switching scenery isn't going to fix everything if part of what's wrong is internal.

but here i had a chance to work on that internal shit, since it's actually safe here and i'm not worried about finances every three seconds. so i did. it's not perfect - nothing is. but it's worth it.

[d33tached]

[Brendan's right. On some level, even D33 can recognize that. But he's not quite at that level yet, and so all of this talk of fixing internalized emotional issues in order to improve one's quality of life - it goes straight over his head and directly into the "this is nonsense" bin.

[Still, he'll pry a bit further.]

"Internal shit", as you have put it - like what?

[pale_blue_arrow]

past trauma. trust issues, paranoia, pain, regret, mistakes that are hard to live with, habits from living in a much more violent place and on a much tighter budget - it's a lot to unlearn. part of it is learning what's actually you and what's a habit from living where you were before, if that makes sense.

it takes a while to sort through all that mental white noise and get used to the way things are now and actually seeing them as they are.

[d33tached]

[There's something in D33 - something stubborn - that wants to rejects Brendan's words as he reads them. Nonsense, he tells himself again. But, deny it as he might, they hit close to home. Not that he can necessarily relate to pushing past such things on his own, but perhaps it's just that some part of him thinks it would be beneficial - if it weren't impossible.]

How exactly did you go about doing so, then?

Sorting through this "white noise", as you've called it.

[pale_blue_arrow]

it's not a one-step process. you have to start asking yourself if you're being rational and accept the possibility you're not. you have to talk out your mental hurricane with someone who isn't biased to tell you it's all okay when it isn't. you have to be ready for a lot of uncertainty and relearning how to interact with people.

it really fucking sucks. for huge swathes or time. and you'll backslide into all that white noise sometimes. but it's worth it. living without being on edge is easier, makes it possible to breathe.

personally i got a therapist and a boyfriend and learned to dump my emotional baggage on a couple of friends who'll tell me when i'm full of shit.

[d33tached]

[All good advice. None of it advice that D33 will likely be taking anytime soon.

[But, at the very least, he's heard it now.

["Living without being on edge" - if only that were possible for him, he thinks.]

I thank you for your information, Brendan.

[But he doesn't want to talk about this anymore - God forbid he start putting any value into it and trying to apply it to himself.]