Dylan "Moody and Boring" McAvoy (D33) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
d33tached) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenace2017-11-02 04:25 pm
d33tached) wrote in maskormenace2017-11-02 04:25 pm
Entry tags:
- abigail hobbs | n/a,
- leia organa | huttslayer,
- nathan drake | n/a,
- ronan lynch | greywaren,
- † beth greene | anthem,
- † brendan frye | n/a,
- † duo maxwell jr. | warlock,
- † dylan mcavoy | d33,
- † gwen wynne-york | n/a,
- † jacob taylor | the protector,
- † klavier gavin | n/a,
- † lorna dane | polaris,
- † manabu yuuki | punching bag,
- † qymaen jai sheelal | grievous,
- † theon greyjoy | turncloak,
- † yusuke kitagawa | fox
X05 | Text | UN: D33
Given what you've experienced in this world, would you return to your own if given the choice?
no subject
[No, he won't accept that. He won't accept that what he's been feeling these past couple of months - the warmth of Kaneki's arms, the ease with which D33 sleeps next to him, the comfort of his company, the--
[God, the joy that Kaneki brings him, it's--
[It's like nothing that D33 has every felt before - so much so that D33 can barely even recognize it for what it is. Happiness.
[Happiness. Easy, subtle, unthreatening happiness. Happiness that has so eluded D33 his entire life that he literally cannot even assign the word to it. He has no idea what it is that Kaneki does to him. All he knows is that he can't bear to lose it now.
[It is everything to him. And now it's D33 who sounds desperate as he steps forward, taking - he'll force it if he has to - Kaneki's face in his hands and pleading with his eyes.]
Kaneki.
Please.
[He sucks in a breath, swallows something down as he presses their foreheads together.]
If you truly believe that to have you is to suffer, then I implore you, Kaneki.
Let me suffer.
[He closes his eyes then, fingers moving to tangle themselves in the ghoul's hair. And he breathes against Kaneki's lips.]
I know I will go mad without you.
no subject
He can't take it. As usual kaneki expected a response he didn't get; he expected disgust, he expected hatred, he expected to be told to go away, he expected anger, and he expected to lose D33 right there the moment he told him he is nothing like D33 wants him to be (or whatever Kaneki thinks D33 wants). But he is imploring, begging and Kaneki feels like his heart will break into tiny pieces to hear him like that.
Kaneki tries to look away, but as the man touches his cheeks and presses their foreheads together, he feels like crying. The next words come as a whisper alone: ]
I'm a mass murderer, I've killed my best friend, I've let my child and friends be killed because of my weakness, I've betrayed my family, I've hurt so many people, and I've tried to die many times before. And now that I want to live, I don't even know for what reason. [ kaneki closes his eyes and so gently presses his nose against D33's ]
Do you see? I have no essence inside of me.
no subject
You and I both, Kaneki.
[More than the ghoul can possibly understand - more than D33 has ever allowed him to understand. Kaneki isn't the only one who has been keeping things, but whatever transgressions the ghoul is confessing now mean little to D33. He doesn't care about any of it. It doesn't even begin to bother him, what this man he loves might have done or might continue to do.
[Only one thing matters to him right now. Not survival, not pride, but the breath against his lips, the nose against his nose - Kaneki Ken.
[He takes the chance then, in case it might be his last, to press their lips together in what, for D33, must seem like an impossibly tender kiss, full of affection that the man didn't even know could exist. It's desperate, pleading like his words. He'll never live this down if Kaneki decides to throw him away now.
[As he breaks away, he speaks softly but firmly.]
You...[He takes one of the ghoul's hands in his own, bringing it up to his chest and curling his fingers tightly around it.]...are mine.
I refuse to let you go.
Do you understand?
[One last act of desperation - a command. A refusal. He will not do it. He will not lose him. He will not let Kaneki cast him out.]
no subject
When he feels D33's lips against his in all of their tenderness he feels like he doesn't deserve any of it. D33 holds his hand and he can only look back at him. Maybe D33 will realize tomorrow or the day after the mistake he made, maybe Kaneki will be pushed away when he realizes what he really meant.
And it's so scary. It's easier to lose him now than later. It's easier now, while d33 still hasn't found out everything that is wrong with him. And yet Kaneki can't say another word, he can't say anything else that would make d33 see it, that would make him push Kaneki away. ]
... I understand. [ and he gives up on trying to get D33 to see. because in the end, kaneki is just a very lonely broken person who is in love and somehow still dreams of being loved too. Despite how much he hates himself, how much Kaneki still goes back to think of death, he loves d33. And he is so lonely, too. ]
... I'm so scared, Dee. [ of losing him, now or later, of not having him, scared of scaring him, scared of showing him what he really is. Kaneki is so, so scared. ]
no subject
[D33's entire body seems to relax at the ghoul's soft, scared words. It's a relief that can't be spoken, and he immediately pulls Kaneki in for another long kiss before making any attempt to respond, arms wrapping firmly around him.
[Talk about fear - and D33 knows fear. Never had he known it like that, though.
[He lets out a slow breath as he breaks the kiss, pressing one to the top of Kaneki's head, then, before resting his chin on top of it, arms still curled tightly around his little ghoul.]
Scared of what, Kaneki? [He breathes it, unable to help the sound of relief that leaks into his voice as he does so. He doesn't mean to sound dismissive, and to show it he goes back to laying their foreheads together, cupping Kaneki's cheek.
[He's listening.]
no subject
The kisses that follow are like a soft touches even if D33's arms wrap around him so tightly. The way he presses kaneki against him and for some time, the ghoul doesn't really know what to say and how to explain it. it's until he feels his eyes sting that suddenly kaneki's arms grip hard on the man's shirt, like someone clinging to his life who refuses to let go ]
Of letting you see. What if you realize I'm too much of a mess, what if you see I'm not what you expected and wanted, what If I'm... just not right enough?
... I'm so lonely... [ it's almost like a contradiction, but it's not. kaneki has always been so lonely and he continues to be because he makes himself lonely. By not showing others who he really is, always hiding, always pretending. he is so lonely and so tired ]
no subject
I can assure you, Kaneki, that I have never wanted anything more.
[He's never wanted anything period. He'd seen no sense in it. He'd seen no hope that he might achieve it even if he had.
[It doesn't matter to him that Kaneki is a mess - not when he's such a "mess" himself, by the ghoul's own standards. And he certainly knows what it's like to feel lonely.
[He doesn't feel lonely with Kaneki. And what a novel feeling that is.]
You needn't worry about such things, Kaneki. I will make it clear to you should any occasion arise in which I need to.
It doesn't matter to me what you've done.
["I've done it too," he thinks, and he nearly says so. But this isn't really about him right now (for once).]
no subject
Of course, D33 doesn't know Kaneki and maybe that's why it's so easy to say it doesn't matter. Whatever reason, Kaneki doesn't try to get the other to see it anymore. D33 refuses to break it off, and Kaneki can't be the one to do it because he is in love, too.
The leans forward, pressing his cheek against D33's chest, and stays quiet like that, eyes closed. he doesn't know what else to say, so Kaneki just stays like that, arms still around D33. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. ]