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[the video cuts to this face, which doesn't seem particularly pleased. he has a cockney accent when he speaks somewhat dryly.]

So, bit of a problem with all this- and by all this I mean this ah... mystery realm, let's call it. Earth? Earth. Not connected to the Astral Plane, is it! I think. Or I'm not, which-

[there's what's clearly a wolf whistle in the background, and camera turns enough to show he's at a cafe and some pair of people in the distance go 'hey there goth guy!' kravitz turns the camera back to himself with a :| face and ignores this]

Which is a wee bit of a problem. I have a theory, this is some sort of purgatory dimension and all that 'please get me out of here' wishing I was making was some monkey's paw bullshit- pardon my cockney.

[he sighs as those cat callers probably waggle their eyebrows.] If only this was a big goof.

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Eyyyy, it's the death guy!

[ Merle hasn't seen Kravitz in a while, and really only remembers him as Taako's grim reaper boyfriend. But it's always nice to see a friendly face. ]

Good to see ya, haven't seen you in a while. What you been up to?

Yes, that's my name, 'the death guy.' Don't wear it out- or do, I... have lost control of this attempted joke. Forgive me, Merle, I'm a little out of sorts.

[he is pretty glad to see merle 'died 20 million times' highchurch, even though he doesn't immediately show it since he sighs] I should have known you'd be here... you three always are when trouble is involved.

As for me I'm fine, wonderful really, just stuck with no means of contact in the Astral Plane after nearly losing my existence to forces beyond my comprehension. You know, the usual.

... is Taako here? Is he alright?

Yeah, Taako's here. And Magnus and the Director. Oh, and Ango McGillicuddy, boy whatsit.

Back up a second there, whaddaya mean, you're stuck in the Astral Plane. ...Again?

... Ango Mc- nevermind. As I said, not surprising you three are at the source of just a cornucopia of trouble I never even dreamed of but I am glad to see you, Merle. Haven't been dying lately, have you?

[a sigh] Yes, actually the last thing I saw was Taako and Magnus' spiritual forms. It looked like Taako was attempting to save Magnus? I didn't get a good look. Do you have any idea what's going on here?

[ Merle squints. Hard. ]

But that was... That was ages ago.

[ He's been here for literal months and this is the first time he's realizing not everyone comes in from the same point in time. ]

[merle you hero. he... doesn't know what to do with that, enough that he accidentally goes to Posh British instead of Cockney]

I- well I can't say how much time went by when I was stuck but it couldn't have been ages. Define ages, mortals have a very different view there.

Months? At least.

[ He's a little shaken by the revelation, but give him a minute, he'll stop caring. ]

Anyway, this world either isn't connected to the Astral Plane, or Pan just isn't answering my calls. But my magic still works, so I'm not too worried.

It wasn't months. I don't think. [if he went crazy during that time he'll be Very Cross.

he opens his mouth, closes it, breaths out his nose and tries again.] You don't find that alarming? At all? Merle? Not even a little?

Nah, you weren't in there for that long. I meant it's been months since Taako got you out.

Which... you wouldn't know, 'cause it hasn't happened for you yet.

[ He rubs at his forehead grumpily. ] Aww, heck. This is gonna get confusing.

[ As for the rest of it, he shrugs. ]

I mean, I can still heal people when I need to. An' the world's not in any sorta imminent danger. Seems fine to me.

... wait, are you from the future?

[he just. takes a moment to rub his face with his palms.] Do you have any idea how many natural laws are being broken right now? I thought the state of life and death here was horrifying, but now you're- we're dealing with time anomalies? Oh Merle, if you think the laws of death are strict you haven't seen anything, and-

And... [just. a sigh.] Oh, I don't know. [he rubs his forehead before giving in] Taako saved me? That's... good. Or potentially good, in my future, assuming time hasn't broken.

[with that out of the way he just gives merle a long stare.] You know what, I'll take this one. It's on me that I assumed any of you would take this sort of thing seriously, given you're- well. You.

The Raven Queen is not going to be happy about any of this.

Oh, I'll tell ya what she won't be happy about. [ That's right he's just glossing over 90% of what Kravitz just said, including the aspersions cast on his character. ] When imPorts die, they just come back. Not undead, not revivified, just. Alive again.

[ For added panache, he makes jazza hands at the camera. ]

[this is also normal, and expected, the glossing over. what is not is the information he was given.

he just stares, horrified.]

What?

That's what I said!

[ I mean, not really? He didn't really say anything like that. Or anything at all. ]

It's somethin' to do with nanites, little machines they put in our bodies that revive us after death, I guess. There's places you can go to read all about it.

[ Places Merle might actually share, if he knew the links. ]

I- it- I can't-

[he just. why. he runs his hands through his hair then takes a deep breath. where did he even start?? again??]

Do you have any idea how much work this is going to be for me when The Raven Queen finds out?! Might as well kiss any nice ideas of having a long weekend sometime in the future goodbye, literally everyone here is going to have to at least be considered for the Eternal Stockade!

Why oh why can't you three ever be involved in things that don't break the laws of nature?

Hey, Raven Queen ain't here, man! Treat it like a vacation, that's what I'm doin'!

Don't go blaming us, this one's not even our fault!

That's the problem! You can't take a vacation from death, that's not how it works!

That hasn't been proven but- but fine.

[... slight. awkward cough.] I suppose if we're going to be stuck here together I'll say no hard feelings about the ah... arm thing.

[ Squint. ]

"No hard feelings?" It wasn't your arm that got chopped off!

Yes, but to be fair I didn't really think you'd be needing it. Or your body. Ever again, really. Besides, it helped make a pretty cool golem, right?

IT WAS MY ARM!!! OF COURSE I'd still be needing it! Do I look like I'm done using my body!!

[ Congratulations, Kravitz, now Merle is rubbing his hands all over his body for the whole network to see. ]

I regret everything about this conversation already.

[he has made so many mistakes. so many.] Please just... stop that. Please. And at the time you were my bounties and were due for the Eternal Stockade, because fifty seven Merle. Fifty seven.

Fif-ty. Se-ven. Merle.

[ He stops, begrudgingly, but sticks his tongue out at Kravitz anyway. And he's a few more than fifty-seven now... Sixty-eight, to be precise. Thanks, Refuge! ]

Yeah, so I died a few times. Don't see you turning Taako's or Magnus' arms to stone!

I did try to crush them with a golem made of said arm, remember? I didn't have some arm agenda here, I wasn't specifically targeting body parts in some grim attempt at making the world's most involved 'stop hitting yourself' joke.

Also I didn't really think you'd go for it. Sort of threw you a softball there, chum.

As I recall, that golem was out for me most of all, though!

[ He's not responding to the softball comment. ]

Well... alright, maybe there was the smallest attempt at a complex 'stop hitting yourself' joke. Gallows humor and all. It's an office thing.

Anyway, what I mean is I am sorry your arm got chopped off and I hope we can just... you know, see it as water under the bridge.

Yeah, I guess. Since you ended up being a good guy an' all.

[ And since he's dating Taako or whatever. ]

Re: video;

cutthegoofs - 2018-01-12 20:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: video;

extremeteenbible - 2018-01-12 20:18 (UTC) - Expand

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