maskormenace | (no subject)

You are always with me.

[ His voice is quiet, his tone hard to read- mostly because he can't recognise his own emotions, let alone begin to process them- but he means to tell her that it's impossible for her to invade a place she already occupies. ]

You always will be.

[ He places no barriers in her path, no restrictions or conditions. She can have as much or as little of him as she chooses- as much as she has the ability to discern. He offers it all. Surrenders it. She can have his anger and his hated, his fear and despair. She can have his struggle and conflict, his desperate longing to go back to a home that does not exist, the yawning chasm of loss and grief, betrayal and failure. She can have the parts of him that he doesn't recognise- the fierce, protective love he has begun to cultivate here. The relief of being seen and not hated or feared. The new terror that looms over the idea of daring to build only to have it snatched away. ]

What do you see?

[ Her gaze holds his for only so long. She takes in as much as she dares, settling herself in deeper and surrounding herself with all that he feels. Leia lowers her eyes and lets them drift to the side. ]

There's so much, [ a soft whisper, and unconsciously she presses a hand over her stomach, the emotions turning her chest tight and knotting heavily in her belly. There's an anxiety on her end that comes with everything she experiences; it's all so much, how is he managing to cope? ] You're angry but you're...afraid. You're— you're grieving...?

[ Leia's head lifts then. What happened? she wants to ask, gaze searching his, the question hanging between them, unspoken. ]

[ He swallows and looks down into her eyes, hating the way his misery infects her. He's poisoning her and he can't stop. And, he realises, even if he could, he wouldn't. He needs her too much.
He's so weak. So weak.
He can hear the question as clearly as if she had screamed it at him. ]

It doesn't have to be like that here.

[ It isn't a statement, as much as he wants it to be. It's a plea. ]

It doesn't. [ Leia will agree with that. Things can be different here. They can be better, or they can be worse. ] It won't be.

[ The hand at her stomach lifts away. It reaches to touch his arm. ]

But I need to know— why are you grieving? What happened while you away. [ A small pause. ] Was it something I did? Han...?

[ They'd already messed up, she knows, but had there been something else that they'd done? ]

[ His grief is thick and heavy, pierced through with a sharp stab of panic when she mentions Han- but he can't delay this any longer. She will learn the truth eventually whether he is the one to tell her or not, and nothing he can say or do will change what happened.

Better to lose her now than to build on a lie and live in fear of being discovered.
He shakes his head, but is otherwise utterly immobile. ]

You're... dead. You're both dead.

[ There. He can't take that back, either. ]

[ Her fingers tighten on his arm. Dead. Why wouldn't they be? It's a surprise in itself that they live as long as they already do and have a child in the future. With the risks they take, the constant danger she and Han put themselves in, it should come as no surprise. They're both open targets with a price on their heads, hers especially.

Tremors are faint in her knees but she remains standing, feeling a numbness beginning to spread.

Leia has to swallow, twice, hard, throat dry. Her voice and questions come out hoarse, almost inaudible. ]

When? H-how?

[ He sucks in air but it doesn't feel like it reaches his lungs.
How much should he tell her? How much can he tell her? ]

Hours before I arrived. You were on the bridge of the Resistance flagship when it was destroyed.

[ He's a coward after all. He can't even begin to tell her about Han. ]

[ The exhale that's released is harsh. As harsh as the sudden bark of a chuckle that she gives, likely a reaction he isn't expecting. It's a mix of disbelief and relief. Leia's shaking her head. ]

I die on the bridge of a ship. After everything I've done with the war, my accomplishments, my failures— I'm killed off on a damn ship bridge. Likely sucked out into the cold vacuum of space.

[ It's believable and yet not. It also brings back memories of Kier, the ship explosion.

Her heart still pounds painfully in her chest. ]

And Han? I doubt he was with me, he hates being on cruisers.

[ This is it.
Han's reaction to being told had bewildered him because he'd been so certain he would at least be angry- but the dread he feels now is of a different kind.

There is a line, with Leia. He knows there is, because he's seen people assigned to one side or the other of it, and now it's time to see where he belongs.
She will always be his mother. He will never escape that. Rejected or not, he will carry her inside him until it tears him apart.

But she has a choice. Is he her son or not? ]

You know what happened.

[ A breath. A beat. A trembling fear and a terrible defeat crushed under tight resolve. He's ready. ]

I killed him. On Starkiller.

[ Starkiller. There it is again, that name. They would never escape the Death Star. No matter how many times they destroy it, it will always return but in a different form.

At first all she hears is `You know what happened'. Does she? Truly, does she?

Ready to ask what that means and why he thinks she knows, he's speaking again, those three words. She stares at him while they sink in and are processed. He killed Han. Their son. Son kills father. More and more the words sink in, a far away look takes over her expression.

There's too many emotions again, now that he's revealed the full truth, unmasked. Betrayal, hurt, loss, anger. The numbness has returned and she feels winded, as if he'd physically driven his fist into her gut.

A step back, Leia shakes her head. No...

She doesn't buckle, as much as it feels like she will. Hearing about her death, she can handle that. But Han's? It sends a surge of inexplicable fury through her.

Without thinking, her hand reaches back as she takes another step away from him. Leia doesn't realise she's tapped into the Force, all she knows is that she's shaking, she feels hot— her lightsaber soars through the air and into her hand, thumb pressing to ignite the white blade. ]

You need to leave. Now.

[ Despite the steely tone, her words wavers, for many reasons. ]

[ There.

There it is. His answer.
But it doesn't hurt him the way he'd expected, not in the moment, anyway. She points her weapon at him and he feels something akin to relief.
It's over. He doesn't have to live with the uncertainty any more. ]

What are you going to do with that if I don't?

[ He doesn't step back. He doesn't step forward. And he doesn't reach for a weapon.
He simply watches her. ]

Are you going to cut me down?

I should.

[ The retort is scathing. She grips the curved handle hard enough that it digs into her palm. She isn't able to mask her emotions right now, the anger radiates off of her.

She should cut him down. She should drive the hot, white blade right through him. ]

Why? Why did you...? [ Sharper, pained, her breath hitches: ] Why? Would you have done the same to me, had you the chance?

Edited (Ffffff) 2018-02-10 09:27 (UTC)

You should. I won't stop you.

[ He means it- his eyes are completely steady on hers. The irony of it isn't lost on him. Her face, Luke's face- they overlap, and the pieces slide into place. He feels no fear, no anger. None at all. Part of him wants this. ]

I killed him because I believed it was the only way to end my torment. To finally rid myself of the Light and prove myself the monster you all saw in me from the beginning, the one I was always destined to be. But it brought me no peace. You know it's true. You saw it, you felt it. No relief.
I can't take it back. I can't undo it. No matter how much I might want to.
So no. I didn't kill you, when I had the chance. When I saw you. When I felt you, reaching out to me, after all I had done. To the Light in me. I couldn't do it. I faltered. I failed. Because I cared for you. Because I can't stop.

[ He steps forward- an insane resolve having possessed him. Perhaps this is what he needed, all this time. Proof. Perhaps there is a way out of the pain of not being enough for the Darkness or the Light. ]

Do it. Do what I never could. Free me from you. Look me in the eyes. Tell me I am a monster and kill me.

[ What is it about all of this that sends the anger deeper into the very marrow of her bones— is it the fact that he'd killed Han for nothing? Or that he was baiting her to drive him away from her and kill him?

Ben, no, Kylo Ren— he steps forward and all Leia can see is Tarkin, Vader, Imperials of different ranks. They'd all risen against her, each and every one of them had taken something from her; her planet, her family, her people. And now this man would be the one to take away from her the father of her child, her husband, the man she loved.

Leia's arm begins to pull back. She's more than ready, all it would take is a swift lunge forward. She would pierce through his sternum without anything to stand in her way, cut through his heart.

The blade disappears back into the handle. The blood pounds in her ears now that there's no more hum of the lightsaber. Killing him would make her no better. And maybe, just maybe, he deserves to suffer. She won't be the one to end his suffering. ]

If you wish to be free of me that badly then you can do it yourself.

[ Obi-Wan and Luke might be proud of her, she'd managed to pull herself back before she could be completely consumed. ]

[ He doesn't say anything for a long moment, watching her face.
She hates him.
He can feel it- the moment she kills her son. The moment it isn't Ben Solo she sees, but Kylo Ren.

But it doesn't burn through him like the touch of his father's hand had done.
With the door closed, he no longer feels the need to keep knocking. ]

I already told you what I wanted.

[ It feels like a lifetime ago. Like a dream. Perhaps it's simply the haze of shock, but he feels no pain.
He knows what he is. Ben Solo is dead.
And while she will always be his mother, Kylo Ren is not her son. ]

Thank you. For taking it from me.

[ There's no awkwardness now, no hesitation, no uncertainty. He drinks in one last look at her face and turns to leave. ]

You said you wanted to be my son. [ She speaks up when he begins to turn away. ] You still are.

Family make mistakes all the time. Nothing changes that fact. I'm not perfect either, far from it. Just as Anakin Skywalker is my father, you, Ben, are still my son. I will always be with you, you said so yourself.

[ But right now, she needs to shut herself away from the Force and process still what their future holds. It brings a whole new meaning to 'exist here'. ]

Edited 2018-02-10 17:19 (UTC)

[ He freezes in place- she still has that power over him, at least.
Briefly, he wonders what Luke might have said following his attempt on his life- if he'd had a chance to try and explain himself. Would it have mattered? Could anything have put it right? ]

That isn't my name. Not any more.

[ He doesn't turn. His voice lacks the unnaturally steady conviction from just moments before, though it isn't doubt that has taken its place- he believes every word. He sounds exhausted. ]

Ben Solo died. Along with his father. I can't bring him back any more than I can raise either of you from the dead.

My name is Kylo Ren. And I am a murderer.

[ There's a heavy finality to his tone. But he turns back to her, his heart pounding violently. ]

I don't know what else I am. But I know I can be... more. Here.
I told you I wanted to be your son.
I didn't lie to you. That is what I want.

You can't be both. You're either Ben Solo or you're Kylo Ren. I don't know Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren is not my son. But you want to be. I can't make this decision for you.

[ When he turns back to face her, Leia takes a step forward. The lightsaber is heavy in her grip. ]

We are all murderers. One way or another, we've all killed. That will stay with us for as long as we live.

There is still Light in you. That Light is my son. That Light is part of who Ben Solo is, do you understand? It can never die as long as I'm still alive. Here, now.

If you truly believe he's dead then-

[ Leia takes another step forward and holds out her lightsaber to him, eyes lifted and locked on his face. ]

You don't know me?

[ He takes it. There's no hesitation, he takes it. It's so light in his hand, for an object with so much weight. ]

Look at me. You've never met Ben Solo.

I told you I had no desire to hurt you. I came to you, when you were overwhelmed by the Dark Side. I shielded you from it. As best I could. I stood alongside my grandfather and pulled him back from the the Dark. I have held the peace when I could just as easily have rained down destruction. I made those choices.
Everything I have done here belongs to me. No-one else.
Not despite being Kylo Ren. Because I am Kylo Ren.

You're wrong. I have met Ben Solo. It was real. You were a baby. I also saw you as a child. Not the time I chased away your nightmares, but there have been other memories I've experienced. And I hold on to those memories.

[ Her hand feels empty without the silver handle, without its weight. Leia knows he won't do anything to her with it, she believes him. Doesn't need to hear him say it, she just knows. ]

Then what, you're a murderer and a protector?

[ She reaches out to cover his hand, wrapping hers over top of it and her lightsaber. ]

[ He isn't intimidated by that weighted question. He simply turns it back, his tone unabashedly blunt. ]

Aren't you?

[ He doesn't pull away from her hand- in fact, he offers the weapon back to her with no further comment. ]

I protect the people I love. I offer protection for those unable to fend for themselves. I've killed before, yes, when it was necessary, and I've sent soldiers to their deaths.

I won't make excuses, I'm not perfect. But when I murder, I don't need to take up a separate identity. I continue to go by Leia Organa. Or would you rather I go by Leia Skywalker?

[ The lightsaber is back in her hand and she lets it hang at her side. ]

It doesn't please me to say it, that I'm the daughter of Darth Vader. I'm sure I could come up with a name befitting the relation, if I wished for that.

Edited (eff lady Vader) 2018-02-10 21:48 (UTC)

You are deliberately missing the point, now. Making false assumptions. This isn't about you or your preferences, and I didn't become Kylo Ren because I murdered somebody.

I would call you by whatever name you asked me to and I am asking you to do the same for me.
It's a simple request.

I've already told you that Kylo Ren is not my son. But if that's what you prefer to be called...

[ She can't stop him from wanting that. If he feels that he's Kylo Ren and no longer Ben Solo, she's done arguing. This is what it has come to.

He should've never left.

Leia moves to go past him for the door. ]

Then I won't impose on you any longer.

[ So be it. If that is her decision, that is her decision. His jaw tightens. He might want a relationship with his mother, but he won't pretend to be something he is not. He hasn't been Ben Solo since Luke Skywalker crept into his bedroom with his lightsaber to kill him, and as far as he's concerned, when she followed that path, she made the answer to his question very clear.

He waits to be shown the door, pausing on his way out into the cold. ]

But don't pretend this is my choice. You made your decision when you drew that lightsaber.

[ He almost says goodbye, but- no. He can't. He walks out and keeps on going. ]

(no subject)

articulations - 2018-02-11 06:13 (UTC) - Expand