maskormenace | THE MAJORITY REPORT: FEBRUARY 10TH, 2018

THE MAJORITY REPORT: FEBRUARY 10TH, 2018With the departure of Miles Vorkosigan, the city of Nonah is abuzz with rising candidates. While political talk and imPort futures wag tongues above ground, the underground music scene burns wildly. All that heat, quite literally underground. Rumors of something intense stirring in De Chima will have reporters on the scene. Perhaps you want to be part of recent history, too? In other news: native media is gearing up with excitement for the February Swearing-In. Bets are on that it's going to be LOVE related!

BLUETUBERS GREENE WITH ENVY
As seen in BlueTube, Bwitter, Instagrahm, and Buzzfad:
Since its creation in December, the anthembeth BlueTube account has slowly built up a fan following of people who know that this imPort's powers are EVERYTHING. The videos feature music performed by eighteen-year-old Beth Greene, accompanied by illusions that tell stories or create ambiance. Move over, ASMR: you're going to want to want to fall asleep to videos of starry skies and cute cartoon foxes.

Even better? She takes song requests if she feels they fit her style. So don't just listen--suggest a song and cross your fingers. Your 2018 anthem could get its own custom music video!

RUNNING AMUK
As seen featured on TMI magazine and blog:

If anyone's noticed any sort of funky smells coming from the area around Maurtia Falls #009, don't worry - you're not imagining it. It seems the house's New Year's Eve party - the one that claimed multiple public street lights, an abandoned car (whose smoldering ashes can still be found in the front yard), a now-permanent "art installation" called Chair In Wall, 2018, Mixed Media, a closet door apparently ripped from its hinges, multiple fires, and an alarming number of throwing stars scattered throughout the neighborhood, sometimes lodged in things - came to an abrupt end when one Rosa Diaz (sources are unable to confirm or deny that this is her real name) brought a handful of unsupervised pokeballs to housemate Jake Peralta, who then chose one at random. The gelatinous, dumpster-perfumed creature that emerged, Muk, immediately put a damper on the mood and caused the celebrations to come to a sudden standstill.

When asked for comment, Ms. "Diaz" responded with words unable to be printed for and shared with the public. Mr. Peralta, on the other hand, had this to say:

"We had cool intergalactic people!! We had neighbors and friends and POKEMON - DON'T FORGET THE POKEMON! - and there were lightsabers and so many drinks ... so .. many .. OH! And me and my pal Sarissa showed up FANCY STYLEZ - that's "styles" with a "z" - and it was AWESOME! GIRL'S GOT SOME REAL DANCE MOVES!" He was unable to give an accurate account of the evening's events or explain all of the destruction to public property. Mr. Boyle, who you may know as the host of the amateur cooking show Boiled Over, would only talk about how delicious his "balls" were. We can only assume - and hope - that he meant some kind of food.

THE NEW GALLA-P POLL
As seen in Bwitter, Buzzfad, local papers:
ImPort newcomer, Galla, has been wasting no time in establishing her presence following her recent arrival to our world. It's been some time since we saw a new arrival adapt this quickly, but this new influencer has already declared her desire to foster understanding not just between imPorts and natives, but among imPorts themselves! It's a lofty goal, but elderly upstart Galla speaks with such confidence that it's hard not to believe her when she speaks about it. Rumor even has it she's already sidling up to newly elected Ambassador Amidala to garner support for her cause.

When reached for comment, Galla explained "I know this may be an insurmountable task, but I've become quite accustomed to dealing with those in my time." She could not, however, explain how she hopes to achieve this goal. "It is a work in progress. Do try to remember that I only arrived last month, and these things take time," was the answer she gave when pressed on the issue.

She went on to explain that she's making an effort to get to know her fellow imPorts before she begins planning any events for them, citing a recent informal survey she conducted to find out what issues they've faced since being brought to our world. "I'm excited to begin planning in earnest now that I have some insight," said Galla of the survey. We only hope that she won't keep us waiting on her plans for much longer.

ENTER COOL WITH A VAMPIRE
As seen in As seen in The Heropa Daily, in print and online; entitled GRAVE MATTERS, a new advice column by Lestat de Lioncourt:
What's the gothest date I can take the guy I like on for Valentine's Day? —Verdant Valentine

VV: Your heart could not be any more in the right place if you carved it out and served it to him yourself (one potential suggestion). However, tread with caution! Romantics like you and I tend to see in a person what we expect to see, which is all too often a reflection of ourselves — our own desires and our own limitations. There was a time when I would have told you that you can't go wrong with a thing as simple as a coffin, but it turns out that you very much can, and one awkward little misstep like that can utterly obliterate the tone of an evening.

This is where you absolutely must reflect. Is he, to conjure up an example, the type to enjoy a quiet little bit of graveyard breaking and entering? Or would he prefer to have his eardrums destroyed by the crash and howl of a rock concert? Of course, I could be misunderstanding you entirely, and this paramour of yours is especially passionate about flying buttresses. I hope I've conveyed my point.

So my advice, dear reader, is this: beneath the inky midnight wrapping of your individual goth lurks a soul as unique as any single malevolent snowflake. Find what special thing it is that makes his dark heart beat faster, and then it will be simple to hang a few bats on it. I trust you.

With all that said, look into opera houses with vacant basements. It really is the little black dress of goth dates.

Lestat de Lioncourt is America's only vampire advice columnist, ready to answer all your questions about life, death, love, revenge, and how to have a good time after the sun goes down.

THE FLORIDA MANDATE
As seen in magazines and newspapers nationwide; Bwitter (#fridayreads, #floridamanridesagain):
#FridayReads - Florida Man Rides Again: a story of an ordinary man doing the extraordinar(ily weird)

The people have demanded, and so: who better to present the chronicles of Heropa's local Florida man than the reporter who's been writing about him for the past 9 months? imPort Iris West chronicles the rise of the elusive Florida Man as he embarks on adventures the rest of us could only dream of, including teaching alligators to chase laser pointers; selling tourists tickets to the nonexistent first Annual Heropa Manatee Rodeo; and putting googly eyes on every painting in the Heropa Museum of Modern Art.

When approached for comment, Ms. West could only ask "What'd he do this time?"

With charming illustrations from Heropa Police's forensic artists and the wise words of Ms. West, "Florida Man Rides Again" will arrive on bookshelves and online readers on March 10! Don't miss your chance to get a signed copy!!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from MOONSHINE SILVER to HMM MAKES YOU PINK. Something to think about.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.