THE MAJORITY REPORT: FEBRUARY 20TH, 2018

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: FEBRUARY 20TH, 2018Astounding how quickly a star can descend. And some burn down quicker than others. But maybe all along there had been warning signs. And all this in the midst of a Nonah election, to boot! Has Count Dooku, imPort pundit, now become a talking point himself? How will our candidates react? Well, at things can't get any worse.

CROSSING THE BORDERLINE
As seen in Heropa Daily, Bwitter and Instagrahm (#IkenaiBorderlove, #raiseloveawareness, #kisskissfallinlove):
ove was in the air - and in the music - this Valentine’s Day at the Heropa Love Awareness Charity Drive. imPorts Freyja Wion and Hajime Shino stole the show with their musical act, concluding with “Ikenai Borderline” and showering the audience with strong, intense feelings of admiration.

These crushes ranged from attendees attempting to marry their funnel cakes (“How on Earth could I marry something so beautiful?”), to couples displaying intense displays of affection on the impromptu dance floor.

Later that evening, Hajime and Freyja apologized to their social media followings for the commotion and atmospheric love.

“But we're trying to learn how to control it and it won't happen again, promise!” Hajime Shino promised to their followers. Freyja agreed, “We're gonna make sure we do somethin' so this never happens again during our normal shows!”

When reached for comment, the duo’s publicist, Iris West, splashed lukewarm coffee in the team’s faces.

COUNTLESS MEMORIES
As seen in heavy international coverage across all platforms, as one expects from a major national security story pertaining to a violent incident:
At least twenty people are dead after a clash between superheroes and supervillains rocked a private research facility on the outskirts of De Chima. Authorities say that several criminals affiliated with the imPort outlaw group 'Constellation' attempted to steal high-value technology from Lockhart-Overbridge-Oldman-Tiber, a major defense contractor closely affiliated with the US government. When the would-be thieves were confronted by the facility's guards and local heroes, they refused to surrender. A violent fight broke out between two heavily-armed groups of superhumans that left parts of the facility in flames and dozens of injured on both sides of the fray.

ImPort entertainer and rabble-rouser Count Dooku is in custody, arrested on the scene as the apparent mastermind of the heist, and of the Constellation itself. Government officials are appealing to the public for any further information on members of the Constellation or other renegade imPorts who might threaten national security. They have indicated they're willing to offer lightened sentences to Constellation members who turn themselves in and come forward with information on this dangerous underground network, and on the advanced technology that may still be unaccounted for after the raid. Many of the Count's accomplices, both native and imPort, have already been arrested at the scene of the crime.

Lockhart-Overbridge-Oldman-Tiber issued a press release on the situation condemning the attack, and expressing gratitude to the imPort heroes and private security guards who risked their lives to oppose what they called "a senseless act of violence carried out by a small group of criminals." The release also promised to make charitable donations to the families of employees who were harmed in the fighting.

In other news, the Counting Truths podcast has taken down its website, and cancelled all scheduled future episodes.

THE LEAKEST LINK
As read in The Nonah Post:
EXCLUSIVE! The Nonah Post has an insider leak from an unnamed source connected to the office of the US Ambassador to South Korea! This source alleges that imPorts have been employed to execute a cosmic mission that could greatly impact US relations with Soviet satellite states. Is this a burgeoning attack? A military training exercise? The source insists that at least one imPort is enlisted in the military, and more are likely to come. The Nonah Post has, since this interview, attempted to follow-up with this aforementioned source, but has been unable to make contact.

SPRING THAW
As read in The De Chima Inquisitor:
Word from the State Department has come: some intelligence sect of USSR believes that imPorts are creating what can only be described as an Illuminati class amidst American society. An exposed memo highlights diplomatic concerns that can be inferred to have been inspired by this growing conspiracy: 1) imPorts all possessed godly powers 2) imPorts rarely have connection to the Amercian people, often exhibiting disdain or even hated 3) imPorts are already forming their own secret societies.

Secretary of Defense Kirb Jackoby reassures the American people that imPorts have never, in general, given the impression of considering native life inferior or worthless, as this "diplomatic memo" might imply.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from HMM MAKES YOU PINK to FALLEN STAR OCHRE because of... Well, his name is Count Dooku.

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Comments

[voice]

[couldbebeautiful]

What? No. What am I supposed to do now that his podcast's been taken down, make my own?

[voice]

[crimeboy]

I mean you could.

[couldbebeautiful]

Wouldn't you need a recording booth? [She's from the eighties, she's just been assuming podcasts are made the same way radio shows are, just with minor variations to account for the Internet.] Oh, yeah, and something to talk about? What am I going to use for material, my teen angst bullshit?

[Video]

[beautiful_monster]

Good publicist.

[Video]

[eloquentness]

Thanks, but you know the real credit goes to Hajime and Freyja.

[beautiful_monster]

No shit. They're both great, but it doesn't hurt to have someone decent supporting them.

text;

[lempereur]

An Illuminati class? Ridiculous.

[beautiful_monster]

Come on, it's obvious bullshit. We don't connect with the natives? I feature them in every one of my videos.

[lempereur]

You must not count. They see what they want to see.

text

[continuousgroaning]

iris is that true????

text

[eloquentness]

Yeah. :/

They were sleazy tabloid-types with annoying cameras and everything. It was a no-brainer.

text

[continuousgroaning]

oh, ok

it didn't sound like something you'd do at first but sounds like they were kinda asking for it

text.

[admemoriam]

#confirmed

[nightmarist]

how do i upvote this

voice

[journalkeeper]

I would think that if a group was truly secret then you wouldn't hear about it.

[ Gosh. Doesn't anyone know how to run a secret organization around here? ]

voice

[shutterbugged]

To be fair, at least 75% of secret societies exist mostly so the members can coyly not-tell people how cool they are for being part of a secret society. Like the Freemasons, Skull and Bones, the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants ...

[journalkeeper]

That seems contradictory, but I don't doubt the truth of that assertion.


...Is there really a Sisterhood of "Travelling Pants"?

[viced]

Jesus, I can't believe Kirb has to even respond to this bullshit.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You would be Washington pals, you and he.

[viced]

Well, if I'm not making connections in our favor, I'd say I'm doing a pretty shitty job.

text

[h2no]

i feel like classifying us as cryptids is more accurate
given how many ppl live in magic trees and underground

sliding scale?

personally i vote batman as the cryptid king

[video]

[cigarbribery]

Wait, wait, wait. If I'm part of the Illuminati class, don't I get some kind of perk for that? Better office chairs? A printer that doesn't sense fear? A working router? I feel like this secret socety I'm supposedly a part of has really been letting me down here.

[shutterbugged]

Didn't you read the brochure? You need to complete at least five of the required Level I courses before you can get your working router on Level II. Office chairs are Level V, but at Level III you get a complimentary tote bag and ceremonial feathered cape.

text

[hellrisen02]

"Godly" is laying it on a little thick. A dude's got the "power" of getting stalked by bears.

Re: text

[h2no]

pardon