maskormenace | Video (NSFWish)

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Video (NSFWish)

[The first few seconds of the video flicker wildly in brightness as the camera adjusts to the lighting. Clint is outside of his Official State Provided Barton Residence, doing his best to focus the camera on both himself, and the mailbox behind him. Said mailbox is open, and stuffed to the brim with enough condoms to make a college health department jealous.]

I have no idea if the folks behind this even use the network, but regardless, I'm not really even that mad. Honestly this is pretty impressive. It could be improved, of course, like I would have labelled it a "Male Box" or maybe added a wreath of dildos to the door. But yeah, good effort, 7/10. Also now I gotta throw out all of these condoms before the neighbors think I'm too suave.

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Seems like a waste of perfectly good condoms.

I know, right? This looks like at least 10 of the variety packs, they're not even the cheap shit you get from the only gas station in 50 miles. Someone went all out for this.

Wow. [ Dryly: ] Ten whole variety packs. How thoughtful of your... Friend.

Heh, yeah, thoughtful. Yanno, if these were still in the unopened box I might trust 'em enough to use 'em. But scattered about willy nilly like this? Nah man, too risky for my taste. Not thoughtful of them in the slightest.

Very discerning of you.

[Here comes a Clint Barton brand Shitty Accent: Posh Edition]

Well, my dear, I am nothing if not a refined gentlemen when the comes to the arts of pleasure. I only use the finest sheepskin and lubricants made from a private batch in Italy. These peasantry items are far beneath my own discerning gaze.

[ That earns a half-amused exhale. ]

A gentleman and a comedian.

[He gives a shrug of gratitude, if you can imagine that.]

Thanks. I'm sure I could be a comedy club regular if I wanted to bother. And besides, even if my jokes are bad, I could just throw these condoms into the crowd and still be popular. Win win either way.

You've clearly got it all planned out. Maybe don't quit your day job though.

Well, that certainly seems to be sending a message.

Let's all speculate on what it is, shall we?

Honestly, given all the wacky powers around here, I wouldn't put it past this being someone's specific power: filling containers with condoms.

Possibly. Maybe you should ask for a show of hands? See if it's happened to anyone else or if you have a particular admirer.

[That earns a grin from the newcomer archer.]

Right, I just tell the whole perverted town that I've got a whole buncha fuck gloves for free. That's not gonna cause me any problems at all.

At the minimal risk of being mistaken, didn't you more or less just do that?

[There's a long pause, Clint's face inscrutable.]

...

...

Shit.

Why not look at it this way—what a unique opportunity to make new friends?

It wasn't me, but that's hilarious

[He waves away her amusement with a flick of the wrist.]

Yeah, yeah, hyuck it up whydontcha. You're probably just jealous that you didn't get em. Speaking of which, I gotta get rid of these somehow, and I don't trust drive-by birth control. You want em?

First off, I can't believe you're trying to pass off mystery condoms to me. Secondly, it is you who should be jealous, because out of the two of us, it is I who is getting more action here. Thirdly, that many condoms would last me like half a day.

[That last part is an exaggeration, but Clint you made this weird first so she's going to plant images in your brain that you didn't want -- all without using her mental powers, too.]

[The snark tennis gets volleyed right back to her.]

First off, I'm still mourning the loss of my wife and family, thank you very much. Secondly, didn't need to know that. Thirdly, just because you cheat and use magic to handle like five partners doesn't mean you can look down on us plebs like that.

As for the second point, you brought this on yourself by bringing the whole topic up, and also when I said I was married here I did not mean to Jesus in a convent. [c l i n t, pls.] And where the third is concerned, I don't cheat and use magic to handle five partners -- I have, however, found great ways to utilize magic with my one.

[everything clint never wanted to know about her sex life: right here.]

[He throws his hands up in the air this time, sayin' 'heyo, too much info']

Yo I don't care if you can massage his back and prostate at the same time, you do each other. Also you'll hate me for this but I find the idea of you in a nun habit hilarious. Like you would be the most pissed off nun ever.

Yeah, separating me from my nice life I have here for that would piss me off.

[He grins at the idea of Angry Nun Wanda blasting everyone between her and her family.]

That's fair. Well, I'm glad to hear that you're happy, Wanda. You definitely deserve it!

Gross. But funny.

I don't know man, give 'em to someone who needs.

Heh, I can see it now. Classified ad: seeking good home for five boxes of condoms. Well behaved, never used, wide variety to choose from. Definitely not sketchy in any way. Apply within or without, either works.

Don't forget to mention the size too.

They're from variety packs, I've got the whole damn produce isle in here! Everything from baby carrot to cucumber, some are even fruit flavored. Whoever left these, they were at least generous.

Someone spent A LOT of money on that prank.

Kind of creepy, actually.

Edited 2018-06-02 22:04 (UTC)

That, uh, that's a really good point. I still have no idea where these came from...

Does this kind of thing happen often? Does someone have the power of making condom filled mailboxes?

Never heard of it, and yet wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, you should be careful, just sayin'.

For sure. I know I won't be using em. If nothing else, I can save em up for some wacky party balloons someday.

Still kinda gross, man.

[He mumbles to himself.]

Well I thought it was funny...

Welp, guess I gotta figure out how to give these away. Maybe I could just leave them in someone else's mailbox?

Shouldn't you be worried about finding who is that obsessed with you?

There are probably clinics that could distribute those to people who can't afford to be so profligate.

You know what, that's the first helpful comment I've gotten on this damn thing. Thank you, that's an excellent suggestion. You know any places nearby? I'm still learning the whole city/porter layout shit so any help is appreciated.

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