maskormenace | First Calibration

[The feed introduces us to a face that isn't unlike a nightmare chicken dinosaur hybrid with a bunch of sharp teeth and weird mandibles that occasionally flare as he talks. It's super attractive, everyone, really.]

So, this is Earth, huh?

I expected it to look a bit more... I dunno. On fire. Long story, but just for the record, I'm thankful that isn’t the case.

[He pauses for a moment, clearly on edge despite the lackadaisical tone to his voice. Someone isn't happy to be here, but hey, at least he's doing his best to be somewhat diplomatic about it. For now.]

Do I have to do the whole 'we come in peace' thing I've seen in some of your human vids, or will you all believe me if I say I'm not psychotic? Maybe I should throw in some wacky catchphrase you all seem to love so much.

[Another pause, probably for dramatic effect, but who knows with this jerk.]

In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m one of the new imPorts or whatever name you give people taken against their will. Name’s Garrus. You’re not going to get much else.

So, now that I’ve gone through the whole initiation process, what I want to know is what’s this nonsense I’m hearing about a group called Archangel causing trouble. Just a brief summary, and not what I’m hearing here and there.

Sound fair? Good. Let’s chat.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Okay, yeah, he's just going to stare at you because what are you good sir. You're polite and really cool looking but the 'what are you' is what's really reaching out to him right now--honestly you should see his eyes they're like dinner plates oh wait YOU CAN.]

Cool...

I-I mean...we're both new too, I guess.

Is there something with your whole...[He'll just gesture to the face, circling it.] Or is that how it always is?

[Smooth, Kaneda.]

[dang kaneda is u peanut butter cuz u smoooooth]

[Except not. Garrus will give him a flat stare.]

[Okay, he''ls a bit more good-natured than that, but you Earth humans are weird.]

That's how it always is. It's my burden, being this badass, handsome combo.

Now, is your face always like that, or are you just that amazed to see me?

[Then they'll get along great cause u must be jelly of these skills]

[And Garrus, you have no idea just how weird humans can be. Or...maybe you do. You've seen them dance.]

...[There's a dumbfounded face at first, before a smile cracks.] Ahahaha!! Ahhhh good one, buddy, good one! [There's a slight hair flip, as if trying to fix it up and...play himself up a bit before puffing his chest.]

Well, you're almost as cool as me, so I'll give you that.

[Every fiber of Garrus' crunchy coated, caramel centered, gun whispering being wants to scream NEEEEERRRRRRRD at this guy.]

[But you know what? He'll respect that special kind of bravado only nerds possess. Truly, this man is a hero in his own special way already.]

Looks like I've got no choice but to accept that challenge.

So what would it take for you to think I'm just as cool as someone like you?

[That's MR. NERD to you, birdraptor!]

Oh you know...gotta have a sweet ride, right? A guy's always judged by his wheels.

...

You look like a bike kind of a guy, to me.

[Everyone's a bike guy to you, Kaneda.]

Never owned one, if I'm gonna be honest.

Wouldn't be adverse to trying one out.

[Because an alien dinosaur on a motorcycle sounds hella cool. All we need is Chris Pratt and it's like Jurassic World in Space]

[Oh, oh that smile is splitting his face right now.]

Nothin' like it, man. The moment you find the right one it's like it becomes part of you.

A second set of legs.

[Chris Pratt and the calibrating boys]

[And that smile is super contagious. It's kind of hard to tell, but the way that Garrus' mandibles are spreading would suggest that he's smiling, too.]

Let me guess, you're an enthusiast?

You might say that. More like a way of life, really.

[Mandibles or not, he can kind of see that smile.]

So uh...I'm guessing you're not human, and that means either I lost my mind or the world's a LOT bigger than I thought.

Definitely not human, and not only is the world a lot bigger than you thought, but the entire damn galaxy.

Think about riding that bike of yours in space.

Quit playin' me.

[That grin could not get any wider.]

Oh, I don't play.

[And it definitely doesn't go unnoticed]

You're imagining it, aren't you?

MMmmaybe a little.

[He laughs, leaning back and putting his arms behind his head, that smirk not budging an inch.]

Can you blame a guy? I mean...bikes in space.

Of course I can't blame you.

Hell, I'd be worried if that didn't get your blood pumping.

...What's it like out there?

[Earth's not exactly all that great, so forgive if he's curious.]

Not as much of a shit hole as Earth, is it?

...

Do you even know what Earth is?

I know what and where Earth is, but I've never been, so I can't say whether or not it's more or less a shithole.

But hey, starships and such, so that's a plus.

It's...as much of a shithole as you expect.

[He won't mince words.]

Either blowing people up or getting blown up or sucking up to each other to say "Sorry we got blown up."

Can't say that's something I've heard about Earth recently, but I can see it happening sometime in history.

We've all got something like that going on in our pasts. Humans aren't an anomaly there.

Not sure if that helps.

First Calibration | [VIDEO]

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