First Calibration | [VIDEO]

[calibrating]

[The feed introduces us to a face that isn't unlike a nightmare chicken dinosaur hybrid with a bunch of sharp teeth and weird mandibles that occasionally flare as he talks. It's super attractive, everyone, really.]

So, this is Earth, huh?

I expected it to look a bit more... I dunno. On fire. Long story, but just for the record, I'm thankful that isn’t the case.

[He pauses for a moment, clearly on edge despite the lackadaisical tone to his voice. Someone isn't happy to be here, but hey, at least he's doing his best to be somewhat diplomatic about it. For now.]

Do I have to do the whole 'we come in peace' thing I've seen in some of your human vids, or will you all believe me if I say I'm not psychotic? Maybe I should throw in some wacky catchphrase you all seem to love so much.

[Another pause, probably for dramatic effect, but who knows with this jerk.]

In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m one of the new imPorts or whatever name you give people taken against their will. Name’s Garrus. You’re not going to get much else.

So, now that I’ve gone through the whole initiation process, what I want to know is what’s this nonsense I’m hearing about a group called Archangel causing trouble. Just a brief summary, and not what I’m hearing here and there.

Sound fair? Good. Let’s chat.

Comments

voice

[kanadian]

[ It's the v͞o̲i̼͎͜c̛̼̼͇̖̜e̲̰͉͉͡ ̷̭̟̦͚̩͈o͓̕f̞̤̺͎̪ ͍̯t͓̤͚͈͇͎h̦̻̼͇ͅe̱ ̰͝d̬e̩̭̥̫̦̯̘a̛͚̮ͅd̪͍̙̪̻̖͜ͅ ]

Garrus? When did you get here?

voice

[calibrating]

[Yeah he's not answering that one for a bit.

For a lot a bit.

Okay, he's finished sort of processing... annnnd...]

Sorry, but do we know each other?

[COMPLETE, UTTER DENIAL]

video; private

[stealwithit]

[ Yeah, this is so going on a private channel since she's trying to ~*keep a low profile*~. ]

Garrus. You have no idea how glad I am to see your ugly mug.

video; private

[calibrating]

[WELP on one hand, HOORAY FRAND. On the other hand, what the fuck how many people were pulled?!]

I'd say the same for you, Kasumi, but, well...

[He roughly gestures around his head in what's probably the universal symbol for MYSTERIOUS HOODED FIGURE]

Anyway, the hell are you doing here, too?

video

[wasnever]

...What are you? I've seen some weird people, but I think you're the weirdest.

Closest thing I can think of's a Darkspawn. One like Coryphallus, since you're talking and all that. But you probably don't know what those are. Or who he is.

[All of that was like, mile a minute babbling.]

video

[calibrating]

[Give him a few moments to decipher all that, Sera...]

[...okay, cool. He'll answer somewhat curtly, but only because he's not sure when he'll get another word in with this one]

Turian. I get the weird thing a lot. No idea what a Darkspawn is, or what a Coryphallus is.

And what the hell are you, some kinda mutated human?

voice

[prostheticbody]

[Best to just roll with it and not bring attention to the whole 'strange chicken person' thing. Besides, the last thing he said is more relevant to her interests.]

"Causing trouble" is a matter of perspective.

voice

[calibrating]

Trust me, I agree with you there.

[After all, that's what his attitude was when he led the group back on Omega]

Article I've read seems to think otherwise, however. Mind filling in a few gaps for me?

text; (id: Tank)

[maime]

[Truth me told, the first thing Maine does is throw his phone across the room because that is definitely an Elite and why is it here. Luckily the magic of the network is that he can spend five minutes watching the video several times to confirm that no, that is not a Sangheili warrior, and yes, he claims to harbor no ill will towards the Earth.

Still.]

What are you
[Not wasting time beating around the bush for propriety's sake apparently.]

text; (id: Tank)

[calibrating]

A turian.

And since we've apparently been whisked off to a world of magic and surprises, what the hell are you?

video;

[ursawhiner]

Archangel are probably not evil, but I think some of them are in prison? Vigilantism isn't allowed, even though we're all supposed to be superheroes. It's a little confusing.

[At this point, a kitten gets close and personal with the camera and loudly meows at Garrus.]

video;

[calibrating]

[Okay. OKAY. HE DEFINITELY HAS QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT CAT.

Before that, though, he's going to sort of stare down the kid in the video. He's definitely too young to be put into the position of a 'superhero'. That's a red flag if he's ever seen one. Which he has. A lot.]

Yeah, seems like that's something that's generally frowned upon no matter where you are.

[Bitter? This guy? Nah.]

Did they pull you here, too?

video;

[rassera]

[Okay, yeah, he's just going to stare at you because what are you good sir. You're polite and really cool looking but the 'what are you' is what's really reaching out to him right now--honestly you should see his eyes they're like dinner plates oh wait YOU CAN.]

Cool...

I-I mean...we're both new too, I guess.

Is there something with your whole...[He'll just gesture to the face, circling it.] Or is that how it always is?

[Smooth, Kaneda.]

video;

[calibrating]

[dang kaneda is u peanut butter cuz u smoooooth]

[Except not. Garrus will give him a flat stare.]

[Okay, he''ls a bit more good-natured than that, but you Earth humans are weird.]

That's how it always is. It's my burden, being this badass, handsome combo.

Now, is your face always like that, or are you just that amazed to see me?

video

[aggressiveapathy]

Are you here to fix our not-currently-on-fire problem?

[Giant...raptor monster?]

video

[calibrating]

No, you don't have to worry about that.

Unless the liquor supply runs out. Then we may have some issues.

[He's like 99.9% kidding.]

video

[glitterateur]

Welcome to Earth! What wacky catchphrase would you use?

[Asking the important questions here.]

video

[calibrating]

[You know what? He'll take that over the whole "WOAH MAN WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE" trend.]

[Still not comfortable with the idea of KIDS being here. KIDS!!!!]

Thanks.

And, uh, you know what? If you ask my crew back home, it'd probably have something to do with calibrations. Just a hunch.

video;

[flamels]

[Okay, once Ed actually stops just staring and laughing. Because. Oh. Oh he had to bring up Archangel. And all that mess that entailed with them attempting to help the crime-ridden Maurtia Falls. Jacob having been arrested.]

Okay, first? No, we're not on fire. Second of all, what did you want to know on Archangel? The result of it is obvious enough. Tried to help with the situation in Maurtia, it failed and their leader was arrested.

[There is the Mirrornet, the continued underground group, but whether Garrus caught on with that in Steve taking over is another story. But. He seems to know Kaidan and the gang? So that has Ed less wary and skeptical of him at least. A little.]

video;

[calibrating]

Fantastic.

[He says with the practiced sarcasm of someone who's turned it into an art.

He's also not about to waste time on addressing anything else Ed's said or alluded to. Not that he means to be rude. Or not too rude at least.]

I can't find the leader's name anywhere. You got one for them, or am I just not digging enough?

video

[pobrecisco]

[ Sorry, he kind of stopped listening half way through because THERE IS AN ACTUAL REAL LIFE ALIEN ON HIS SCREEN RIGHT NOW. ]

Holy crap, dude!

video

[calibrating]

[WELP.

Give Garrus a second here to stare back, give an exaggerated sigh, and end with this:]

Really?

video;

[oceanthief]

It doesn't matter what you do or don't say. People are...pretty weird about aliens here.

[said with the sort of quiet weariness of someone who's getting kind of tired of that, to be honest. but judging by the replies here, Garrus probably didn't need to be told that.]

video;

[calibrating]

So I've gathered.

[His mandible flare in what can maybe be construed as a smirk. Or as a mating display because who knows with these weird aliens.

No just kidding it's definitely a smirk.]

After a while you learn to have fun with it.

( video )

[chancetoatone]

[The assassin looks marginally surprised as he enables his video feed.]

It isn't necessary. The locals have become accustomed. [He nods.] Hello, Garrus.

( video )

[calibrating]

So you're here too, Thane.

[He's no longer surprised by these things. That didn't take long]

As for the locals becoming accustomed. I beg to differ, here.

voice;

[sassguard]

[ The ID on the comm reads 'Commander Shepard,' because what are first names. ]

No earth on fire here. Keeping my fingers crossed that it's not going to be on fire for a while, actually.

voice;

[calibrating]

[He sees that ID, but at the same time, that's totally a common name, right?

There's no way this dude is actually trying to pass for Commander Shepard, a human woman who kicks ass, takes names, and does it all without a face full of stubble.]

With what I've read so far, it sounds like it's only going to be a matter of time.

And that's me being optimistic.

( video )

[abadidea]

[On the plus side, Isaac has gotten a little better at not just staring at aliens that show up. That's a plus, right? Definitely.]

Uh, hey, Garrus. I'm Isaac. Isaac Clarke. [He clears his throat.] I only know what the news has been saying about Archangel.

( video )

[calibrating]

[Compared to everyone else? Oh totally.]

So basically, nothing good.

[Not that it's Isaac's fault, of course. It'd be best not to treat him like crap for it.]

As someone who I'm assuming has been here, is there anything else you can tell me?

Permavid

[governorkang]

[Ever seen human vids of dragons? This guy looks a hell of a lot like one.]

The humans are mostly used to it. You might get the occasional personal or rude question, or my favorite: both. It doesn't happen all that frequently anymore, though.

[calibrating]

[FINALLY, someone who looks somewhat normal!!!]

If this isn't all that frequently, then I'd hate to see what it was like before.

No questions have been too rude so far, so I can't complain.

Video

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

Garrus! Good to see you. This Earth isn't on fire- at least not yet.

[Stupid Cold War.]

I've been here a while now. And I'm probably one of the best people to fill you in about Archangel. What have you heard?

Video

[calibrating]

Good to see you, too, Jacob.

[Because it is! Well, in the whole 'glad you're not on fire' way. Not so much the whole 'welp we're trapped here' way. That way sucks.]

As for what I've heard? Nothing good. And from what else I've heard, I think I need to have a chat with you.

video

[glitchinthesystem]

[ You know those uncomfortable stares children often give you because they're curious about something or they're just weird?

Yeah, Glitch is giving one of those right now.

Staaaaaaaaare. It's like a minute later before he says something and it's the most profound thing that's ever graced ears before. ]

Holy fucking shit you are literally like the coolest alien dino person I've seen, ever.

[ sorry Samara. Bad ass looking dinosaur man wins over blue skinned humanish lady. ]

But, uh, probably not important, yeah? What are you wanting to know abut Archangel. Kiiiiind of an expert on that one. [ HE ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF THAT :D ]

video

[calibrating]

[During that awkward stare, Garrus retorted with his own by slowly, but surely, leaning the fuck back.]

[But being called the coolest alien dino person brings him back from the edge, and being told that there's an apparent Archangel expert in his presence gets him from closing out of the conversation entirely.]

What makes you an expert? Just out of curiosity.

voice

[restingstitchface]

[The first thought in Crane's head is a calculating one. Namely, the effectiveness of his pharmaceutical compound on what was clearly alien physiology. What is this person, exactly? The second is more easily voiced.]

I believe your intentions are good.

But I'm certain you gave the locals a fright, mind. There are plenty here who never seem to acclimatize to the sight of outworlders in their own back yard. I find it fascinating, speaking honestly.

voice

[calibrating]

[Something about how this guy says the whole thing is 'fascinating' gives Garrus a minor case of the creeps.

But, he'll speak to him, regardless. And, as a bonus, he'll be polite!]

So far nobody's been frightened. More like... awestruck. And who can blame them for that?

[...Okay, polite with an egotistical flair.]

[ Video ]

[pmsgargoyle]

According to some people who have been here longer, it has recently been on fire a couple of times, here and there.

But don't worry, there are plenty of non-humans around. imPorts only, though.

[ Video ]

[calibrating]

It's not a lack of non-humans that worries me, or even an abundance of humans.

The fires you're mentioning, however, kind of do.

voice;

[timeframes]

Kind of expected more fire too, but that's how it goes. You leave the place a mess and turns out someone came and cleaned up after you, can you really be mad about that.

Anyway, yeah, I'd actually like to indulge in hearing some of those wacky catchphrases, dude. Can tell a lot about a guy from his bullshit and I've got a little experience judging alien psychosis.

voice;

[calibrating]

In my case, i was half expecting to be the one to clean the mess. But hey, can't complain.

[That's the second person to ask for a catchphrase. He's kind of regretting bringing that up.

Or he can use the moment to be a complete an utter ass.

Guess which one wins.]

How's this: "My name is Garrus Vakarian, and this is my favorite version of Earth in the macrocosm."

video;

[quantifies]

['sup, fellow alien. Croach is not remotely fazed by your appearance.]

I would be interested in hearing your long story. Is the Earth normally on fire in the timeline of your origin?

[Wouldn't someone put it out eventually?]

video;

[calibrating]

[FINALLY.]

Not normally, at least as far as I know, but at the particular point of time that I was pulled from, it had been invaded by a race of sentient organic-synthetic hybrid spaceships who have a tendency to harvest all organic life in the galaxy.

You know, the usual.

video

[justimom]

I believe, yes, doing the we come in peace thing will serve you well. The more catchphrases you use the more comfortable they will be. [ Is Samara just teasing? Yes. But nobody would know that by her tone. It's completely serious. ]

Hello, Garrus. It is good to see you. [ Mostly it's good to see another alien. Sorry bro. ]

video

[calibrating]

[It's that tone that sounds both soothing and remotely unnerving at the same time. Garrus has no idea how to react.]

[Especially since he thinks she may be teasing. That's the most scary idea of them all.]

It's good to see you, too, Samara.

I feel like the superhero gig works well for you. Been doing okay?

text

[runningstart]

nah dude no speeches you seem pretty cool

i mean technically all imports are aliens here so

text

[calibrating]

Someone who finally gets the 'everyone is an alien here' concept.

To what do I owe the honor of seeming pretty cool?

[heavyhitter]

oh shit! look at ur cute lil mouth!

[calibrating]

Funny, usually I get told to shut my mouth.

Also that it's way too big.