THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2015

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2015

SUPERNATURAL CRITTERS have been spotted along the eastern seaboard, but especially nearer the associated imPort cities. Maybe you've seen that BlueTube video of little Jimmy riding the Loch Ness Monster? Or the on-camera meltdown of the really pissed off weathermen justifying sharknadoes via the improbability of magic? Surely you've seen Cottoneye Beau, wildlife expert, teach kiddos about the safety of JAWS? You know: JUST (be) AWARE (that) WHAT (the hell that's a damn) SHARK!? You might not have been able to catch the full glory, as Cottoneye Beau's television show was quickly cancelled by NBSea. He ended his finale by leaping into the ocean, inexplicably to music. Good television watching, boy howdy, that's for sure! Gives those reality shows a run for their money, doesn't it? But then again, why obsess over ratings (or lack thereof) -- maybe you don't give a Puck?

JUMPED THE SHARK
DVD sales of Tsharknami are going through the ROOF. And then that roof caught fire. How often can magic be blamed, really? Is this not all but some human foible at play?

No?

SNITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY
A $250,000 reward (paid full, in cash, and without tricksy taxes) for any USEFUL information about the whereabouts of one Doctor Jonathan Crane has been posted as of 9.10.15. Contact any government official with tips.

JIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL
The following will be seen on BlueTube:
Jimmy got swallowed by the Loch Ness monster in his encore internet sensation video. Hubris is the ruin of humanity.

BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
The following will be seen in local morning show stations and UStube:
Professor Sanderson Squire II, Shakespearean Expert and tenured professor at De Chima University, has repeatedly given criticism on what he believes to be an elongated Banksy-esque performance art piece reference A Midsummer Night's Dream and lysergic acid diethylamide.

RUMOR HAS IT
The following will be seen in local tabloids:
A new superhero team is brewing! Rumor has it that a buxom blonde is leading the charge. Who could this be?? What sort of SOCIETY-inclined members could be ushering in a new kind of JUSTICE?

FOR AN ENCHANTING TIME CALL
The following will be seen in two ways: the offer to learn magic is printed on posters put up around imPort housing in the porter cities. Above each one is a small magical light, providing enough illumination to read the poster at night.

The offer of hired magic is printed in newspapers of the four porter cities as a small advertisement.
Are you an imPort? Are you sane and responsible with the use of your powers? Would you like to learn magic? Contact Sabriel and ask for an interview.

Mage for hire. Warding, enchantment, and miscellaneous spells at reasonable rates. No seances, necromancy, or love spells. Contact Sabriel at (phone number) for rates and other information.

INSERT HOMER SIMPSON SOUND EFFECT
Starting 9.13.15, FUNKIN' DONUTS (the musically-inclined donut shop chain located in Heropa, De Chima, and Nonah) will be selling FAUXNUTS. These are made-to-order donuts in the shape and likeness of imPort faces. Made-to-order, MADE-TO-EAT!

HOVER OVER, DROP DOWN BOX
The following will be seen in tabloid newspapers:
On 9.15.15 and 9.16.15, EVERY hovering device (cars, scooters, skateboards, etc) will cease to work. You might get a sputter, you might float a few feet, but inevitably gravity will shake you back down to earth. This will, strangely, NOT be reported on in legitimate newspapers.

HOT POCKET
The following will be on loop over every news television station:
At 0600 GMT on 9.16.15, USSR troops will march to the border between Finland and Russia and begin building what appears to be a wall. The US President will declare this an act of aggression, though some will call it passive-aggression.

COLOR BLINDNESS
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from RED to MAGENTA in response to the De Chima attack.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
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Comments

[mathemagier]

Orange and Red were somewhat understandable, but what on earth is Magenta supposed to mean? Descriptors would be appreciated.

[superposition]

Maybe they switched from RGB to CMYK while we weren't looking.

[mathemagier]

Yes, and next it'll be Key. Ridiculous.

[superposition]

Exactly. Anyway, why bother having a state above red in the first place? What criteria are they using, if any? The system always was a little arbitrary. Unless Magenta means they're instituting martial law or something, I wouldn't put too much weight on it.

[mathemagier]

Yes. Red obviously meant danger, whereas Magenta feels like a warning against stepping outside. Which if that's the case, a more comprehensive advisory should be in place. Not that it shouldn't already. How meaningless.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Even if these are DEFCON equivalent kind of labels, what kind of advisory do you expect? NUKES ARE HOT. WE'RE GOING TO TURN THE KEY.??

[mathemagier]

There are armed hostiles patrolling the area, take precautions.

Which is what the current color coding seems to suggest. Alarming to say the least, but informative. Except of course, we don't actually know, because we have no real information beyond an ambiguous scale.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Naive Hermann expecting them to warn us about such things. Oh, you sweet summer child.

We need our own scale.

[mathemagier]

Yes, heaven forbid we have proper warnings.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Here I was just thinking they were going with Roy G. Biv, but you're right. No magenta there.

[superposition]

I'm just curious why they didn't go with Black. That's about the only code universally more dire than Red, unless you work in a hospital.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Maybe this is still small potatoes for them. Maybe we haven't yet seen something worthy of Black.

[superposition]

... Good point. [It certainly isn't Kaiju or the Plutonian.]

[driftsintobuffetline]

Oh! And if I recall correctly I think DEFCON 1 level is White, actually.

Just trivia. Not like it matters.

[superposition]

Well, DEFCON's a whole different system. That's military readiness and threat of nuclear war. The HSAS is the color-coded one, it's the terrorism advisory. At least back home it is - maybe it's got some additional meaning here. I don't remember it having a magenta there, that's for sure.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Okay, yeah. Honestly, I can barely remember back that far. I remember 9-11 and the marathon...and then it was all Kaiju.

[superposition]

[... Huh. He does not remember anything major that was marathon-related.]

When did they start showing up, out of curiosity?

[mathemagier]

August 10, 2013. K-Day.

[superposition]

... So that means you two and Mako are from the 2020s.

[He actually sounds genuinely surprised to learn this. It's a detail he kind of neglected to consider. stupid time travel]

[driftsintobuffetline]

August 10th, 2013: Trespasser. San Fransisco.

By now, in my world, we would have several Jaeger in development, ready to be launched. I think most of them were matched to pilots and serving by December.

Wow, I wander away for two seconds and Hermann steals my thunder.

[superposition]

All that just two years after the attack? That's ridiculously fast.

[crapbearer]

Threat Level: Someone's Grandma

[mathemagier]

Yes, thank you.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Threat Level: Red Ridinghood's Grandma (who is actually the wolf)

[crapbearer]

Threat Level: Sweaters from Grandma on Christmas