THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2015

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2015

SUPERNATURAL CRITTERS have been spotted along the eastern seaboard, but especially nearer the associated imPort cities. Maybe you've seen that BlueTube video of little Jimmy riding the Loch Ness Monster? Or the on-camera meltdown of the really pissed off weathermen justifying sharknadoes via the improbability of magic? Surely you've seen Cottoneye Beau, wildlife expert, teach kiddos about the safety of JAWS? You know: JUST (be) AWARE (that) WHAT (the hell that's a damn) SHARK!? You might not have been able to catch the full glory, as Cottoneye Beau's television show was quickly cancelled by NBSea. He ended his finale by leaping into the ocean, inexplicably to music. Good television watching, boy howdy, that's for sure! Gives those reality shows a run for their money, doesn't it? But then again, why obsess over ratings (or lack thereof) -- maybe you don't give a Puck?

JUMPED THE SHARK
DVD sales of Tsharknami are going through the ROOF. And then that roof caught fire. How often can magic be blamed, really? Is this not all but some human foible at play?

No?

SNITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY
A $250,000 reward (paid full, in cash, and without tricksy taxes) for any USEFUL information about the whereabouts of one Doctor Jonathan Crane has been posted as of 9.10.15. Contact any government official with tips.

JIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL
The following will be seen on BlueTube:
Jimmy got swallowed by the Loch Ness monster in his encore internet sensation video. Hubris is the ruin of humanity.

BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
The following will be seen in local morning show stations and UStube:
Professor Sanderson Squire II, Shakespearean Expert and tenured professor at De Chima University, has repeatedly given criticism on what he believes to be an elongated Banksy-esque performance art piece reference A Midsummer Night's Dream and lysergic acid diethylamide.

RUMOR HAS IT
The following will be seen in local tabloids:
A new superhero team is brewing! Rumor has it that a buxom blonde is leading the charge. Who could this be?? What sort of SOCIETY-inclined members could be ushering in a new kind of JUSTICE?

FOR AN ENCHANTING TIME CALL
The following will be seen in two ways: the offer to learn magic is printed on posters put up around imPort housing in the porter cities. Above each one is a small magical light, providing enough illumination to read the poster at night.

The offer of hired magic is printed in newspapers of the four porter cities as a small advertisement.
Are you an imPort? Are you sane and responsible with the use of your powers? Would you like to learn magic? Contact Sabriel and ask for an interview.

Mage for hire. Warding, enchantment, and miscellaneous spells at reasonable rates. No seances, necromancy, or love spells. Contact Sabriel at (phone number) for rates and other information.

INSERT HOMER SIMPSON SOUND EFFECT
Starting 9.13.15, FUNKIN' DONUTS (the musically-inclined donut shop chain located in Heropa, De Chima, and Nonah) will be selling FAUXNUTS. These are made-to-order donuts in the shape and likeness of imPort faces. Made-to-order, MADE-TO-EAT!

HOVER OVER, DROP DOWN BOX
The following will be seen in tabloid newspapers:
On 9.15.15 and 9.16.15, EVERY hovering device (cars, scooters, skateboards, etc) will cease to work. You might get a sputter, you might float a few feet, but inevitably gravity will shake you back down to earth. This will, strangely, NOT be reported on in legitimate newspapers.

HOT POCKET
The following will be on loop over every news television station:
At 0600 GMT on 9.16.15, USSR troops will march to the border between Finland and Russia and begin building what appears to be a wall. The US President will declare this an act of aggression, though some will call it passive-aggression.

COLOR BLINDNESS
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from RED to MAGENTA in response to the De Chima attack.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[driftsintobuffetline]

So while we're sharing, when are you from?

[superposition]

2009. Summer.

[Alas, I do not have a more specific date than that.]

[driftsintobuffetline]

You were born in the mid 1970s?? Wow, dude. I mean.

Just...since we're sort of on the subject, are you even human? From Earth? I don't know. It's sort of been something I wondered about, okay? Not like it changes anything, I was just curious.

[superposition]

[Ahaha... Newt... did you know Qubit doesn't like to talk about himself? Did you know that he has not even told his closest friends the answer to that question?? Also rude he doesn't ask you how old you are okay]

Earth is my home. That's all there is to say on the matter.

[driftsintobuffetline]

[Ha ha, Qubit, didn't you know Newt asks all the wrong questions at the wrong times? And rude, you're not a lady. He can totally ask, ok. For science.]

Riiiiight...

That wasn't an answer.

[superposition]

Of course it was. Take it or leave it.

[driftsintobuffetline]

Rude.