maskormenace

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[ A rare video post for Hiro tonight - but then again, this is a rare occasion. He's already gotten past the initial crying phase, so he's just numb and a little blotchy more than anything else, but his voice still shakes a little when he talks. A plain bedroom backdrop, clearly from where he lives in Heropa.

He takes a deep breath. ]

Has anyone seen my brother Tadashi? He's - he looks like this - [ A picture of Tadashi flashes on the screen for a moment. ] - and I'm getting error messages from his comm. Nobody I've talked to has seen him and ...

[ His voice trails off to a whisper. He can't even get through a whole post without tears welling up in his eyes. ]

I just - I need to know, please. If anyone has any idea. I need to know he's still here. If he's not, then ... then he's ...

[ Ported out. And dead. ]

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[Ken doesn't actually get to respond for an hour or so. It's late at night, but he and Koromaru go out almost any time of the day. They're just resting on their afternoon run when...

Ken's slightly out of breath still when he makes the call.]

Do you want some company?

[ By now Hiro has quieted; the big scene he'd made with Crane has faded, leaving nothing behind. In the long run, this isn't any better for him than the obviously self-destructive behavior, but ... At least he's not actively hurting himself.

If there's anyone in the world who'd understand right now, it's Ken, isn't it? He still hesitates audibly. ]

I dunno. Not feeling up to much.

I can get you away from everything else. I'll get to a roof, and you can get to my comm.

... Gotta shower first. I was running with Koromaru.

[ That's the best suggestion anyone's made so far. A little danger, a whole lot of privacy, and not necesarily needing to feel like a person for any of it. ]

Okay, sure. Just - tell me when.

Give me a bit, then.

[There, Ken cuts the call, picks up Koromaru, and immediately hops his way back home. It's not a long trip. He nearly dives right into the shower and throws on some cleaner clothes -- his uniform -- and dashes right back out of the house. It doesn't take long for him to travel to the roofs, heading to a rooftop even taller than the first one. This time he even climbs the little tower at the top of this skyscraper, nearly slipping but slamming himself into a niche in the wall away from the wind so he can text his friend.... this is good. Here, they can sit behind the railing and not worry about actually falling to their deaths.]

ready

[ He shows up in Ken's comm a few moments later. After a quick look around to make sure he has enough room to jump out, he tumbles into that niche physically. Okay, so that was a bit alarming, but he's settled now. And it's nice to be up here, away from everyone and everything ...

He's quieter now, less angry. But that just leaves empty silence in its wake. ]

... Hey, Ken.

[Ken's arm shoots out to grab Hiro if he has to, but it looks like they're all right so he pulls back, face already red from the cold wind as he nods to Hiro. Up this high, the wind is strong and his friend's voice is barely audible. Only barely, though; not completely, so he hears him.]

Hey. Since when?

[ Still good to have an arm there; he could have easily gone over the side if he'd been unlucky enough. He gups a bit and pulls his hoodie around his head and exposed ears. At least the temperature is waking him up a little ... ]

Last night. That's the last time I saw him.

[For a moment he wonders if he chose somewhere too extreme, but Hiro doesn't seem to mind (why would he mind something so small in a time like this?) so he relaxes, leaning back on the rail behind him.]

I tried calling him, too. ... Nothing, huh? If he's back, he's...?

[ It satisfies that destructive urge enough to make that voice shut up for a while, at least. ]

He's dead. He only had fifteen minutes left.

[Ah. He thought so. But it means a lot more to Hiro and Tadashi than to most -- these two were looking for a way to prevent it. They'd been racing against a clock they couldn't see, a countdown they couldn't keep track of, and they'd lost. It caught up.

He closes his eyes for a second, then reopens them, taking a breath.]

... What do you think you'll do if you get to see him again?

[ His gaze slides away from Ken, so that he's looking down at the city below them instead. ]

I - I don't know. Beg for forgiveness, maybe.

Forgiveness? What for?

We were building a portal to get him home safely, but I lit it on fire.

[Ken doesn't need to ask to know what he's talking about.]

... You're right. I'd want to apologize, too. I wouldn't want forgiveness. Just apologize, because there's nothing else to do.

But people like Tadashi-san and-- people like him will always try to forgive us, won't they? And it just feels even worse because you don't want them to really hate you.

[ He nods slowly. That's the nice thing about talking to Ken about all of this - Ken gets it in a way that nobody else really does. They're broken in some of the same ways. ]

He always will. I know he will. Even when things were going wrong he just ... he wanted to know I was okay. Even after everything.

He really loves you.

[Loves. Not loved. Because Tadashi was here, and Ken has to have faith he'll be back. Just as Kaneda believed that he will be. Not loved, like they'd use for their parents. Loves, because once they give up hope, it's over, even if holding on to hope is like getting the knife twisted little by little every passing day.]

A long time ago, Magic-san told me that's what people did. No matter what you think you deserve, or don't deserve, they'll care about you regardless of it all. Hiro, to Tadashi-san, I think -- I think more than anything else that could ever exist, anywhere, you're the most important to him. No matter what happens. Just like he is to you.

[ Hiro bows his head a little, squeezing his eyes shut again. That hurts right now. He'd almost rather convince himself of the opposite - as if that were even possible with someone like Tadashi. No, not possible at all. ]

He's - h-he's getting the worse end of the deal.

...

... A dead person is just that, Hiro. They're dead. There's no better or worse once it's over. They don't laugh and they don't cry.

[They aren't words meant to comfort and Ken doesn't speak of them that way. He turns to Hiro, the soft smile from earlier gone as if the winds up where they are blew it away, but his voice isn't harsh. It's calm and quiet, even as he watches him.]

You and Tadashi-san are close, but you're not the same person. You suffered, too. You lost someone important to you, and it hurt. You finally found someone you can blame for it, and even though it was supposed to have gotten resolved once, he shoved his way into the picture again. I'm not saying you didn't make a mistake, Hiro, but you were left alive. That's why you felt that pain.

If Tadashi-san were in your place, he would have felt it, too. And he's going to feel it. He'll come back, Hiro, and when he does, he'll have to be alive again. He's going to have to feel the same thing we felt, only it's going to be about losing his own life. When he comes back, more than anybody, you're going to be able to understand how he feels.

... Don't you think that'll be a relief for him? Just like it was for us to find each other.

[ He's going to have to feel the same thing we felt, only it's going to be about losing his own life. That more than anything pushes Hiro's head down and keeps him from looking back down. He'd never thought about it that way, even after seeing Tadashi's reaction to being told about his death. How much worse will it be if his brother returns? How much support is he going to need? Hiro's not sure he can bear the thought of his brother needing it. Even now, after everything, there are times when Hiro's own pain eclipses his ability to see his brother as a person. Easy to forget right now when he has to deal with his brother's death and not him. ]

I - I don't know. He doesn't think about himself most of the time.

Maybe he started not to because there was somebody more worth protecting than his own feelings. That doesn't mean he can't get hurt.

[While Hiro is feeling Tadashi's absence, Ken is seeing Minato in his death. No matter how much time he spends with him, how many times he holds his hand and feels his warmth, it will never leave Ken's mind just how cold he had felt at his viewing, dressed blandly in a white kimono and never to open his eyes again. He had looked so strange. He almost wanted to put his headphones over his ears because he felt unrecognizable.

How had Minato felt when he raised his finger to the sky and gave up his life to seal Nyx? How had he felt when, at the end of a long, terrible journey, he opened his eyes once more and found himself in a new world? Did he think about himself? (He doubts it.) Did he let himself grieve? (Did that even occur to him?) And Ken didn't realize until just a month ago just what situation his leader was in.

Tadashi Hamada was more in sync with his emotions and memories than Minato was. That, Ken can conclude objectively. What happens when a man who grew up in a warm loving family with friends and dreams and a future suddenly has that robbed from him? As a member of the ragtag team of kids who didn't have any of those, Ken cannot even fathom. All he knew was that when Tadashi comes back, Hiro is what he'll need more than anything else.

He throws his arms forward, grabbing his friend by the shoulders. He doesn't make him look up, but he won't let him not hear this.]

If he's not going to think about himself, you have to! Just as he cared about you for all those years. Just as he loved you for your whole life. People like him such at caring about themselves. They'll try to laugh it off or pretend it's not even there and they're going to try to worry about you instead so that it's like it never happened. Even if they're falling apart inside.

You and I can't afford to only stay on the side of the protected. We were left alive. We have to grow.

[ Ken would have to lift his head physically to make Hiro meet his gaze; as it is, he keeps his head bowed, blinking back acidic tears at the corners of his vision. He can't argue with any of that. He knows that, if his brother returns, he's going to be a mess - he was a mess already when Hiro told him to begin with. Surely he will need someone he can confess everything to, to be his support...

But can Hiro do it? That he's less certain of. There have been vanishingly few times when Tadashi's been open with him. Many more times when Hiro's come to his brother with something. Hell, it's only been recently that Hiro's managed to see his brother as a flawed person, flesh and blood. His brother had been just this image of unbreakable adult perfection up until the fire. Up until coming here, in fact. Adjusting to that is difficult. Would be, even if his brother were the type to lay his troubles on other people.

He takes in a long, shaky breath. ]

I don't know how.

[ To grow? To think about his brother? More former - he can't see far past his own pain right now. ]

[Ken doesn't force him to look. Ken won't force anything out of Hiro, not really -- he understands too well, although he's starting to understand now that with this, they're different. They may have a lot in common, but the details where they count the most are different. Hiro will never come to like Callaghan as Ken did Shinjiro; Ken hasn't had to run into his mother like Hiro got to see Tadashi alive. Even with Minato and Shinjiro's deaths, he was able to reach a closure before coming here, and there's no power or technology or even desire to bring them back. For Ken, the deaths were and still are a finality, and perhaps that made it easier to move on from it.

But that doesn't help Hiro right now. Putting an end to his musings, Ken looks down at their feet -- his, still small and yet to grow; Hiro's, already too big for his body. How tall will the two of them get? How far will they one day go? Will they ever be as strong and reliable as the people they pined for?]

... You can tell him, okaeri. And let him say tadaima, [he answers, just barely audible over the roar of the wind.] You can let him know how much you missed him. That you're glad he's back. Because more than we are of losing him, he was scared of leaving you. I'm sure of it.

[ In a way, having Tadashi back in his life is much worse than him simply being gone. Before, Hiro was mostly on the way to recovery; how it's an open wound being torn open every single day. He'd almost been used to having Tadashi here... ]

What if he doesn't come back at all?

He was never supposed to in the first place.

[Maybe that sounds cold. Maybe even cruel, to Hiro and his grief. But Ken drops those words as simply and calmly as he spoke everything else, bringing his hands together in front of him, weaving his fingers together.]

Your brother, Aragaki-san, all the people who're alive here even after dying -- in most worlds, if we never came here, we were never supposed to see them again. That's what death is. We've been lucky.

[He takes a breath and looks up.]

They could all disappear again at any moment, just like they did back home, and never come back. What you do after that is your choice, but those of us that were left alive ultimately have two choices: to continue living, or to chase after them. And I... I won't let you do the latter.

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