NOVEMBER 20TH, 2015

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: NOVEMBER 20TH, 2015

MERMADE FOR A SPINOFF
Since the groundbreaking NBSea "documentary" that illuminated how some imPorts are clearly merport spies, the younger, more hipster locals of Heropa have dedicated their weekends to making homage art by creating (and often starring in) live "mermaid" installations. The most popular is a performance piece called "Dipper in the Deep End".

LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANKSY
As seen around Nonah:
Eleven painted portraits of Ambassador Urquhart have been witnessed around the city of Nonah with this quotation spray-painted across the subject's face. But is it... Art?

BUR LAPDOG
As seen on the gossip tabloid-turned-show TMI:
There's something in the air — and it's love! Rumor has it that Dr. Jonathan Crane has been seeing a special someone during his time behind bars. Speculation is raging as to the identity of the doctor's mysterious paramour, who our source would refer to only as "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"; however, what's certain is that the two had been engaging in frequent late night conversations and after hours "office visits" for some time before his incarceration. According to our anonymous source, she "likes dangerous men," a comment which our source punctuated with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle and, we quote, "wink wink." The source then provided this "artist's interpretation" of what a relationship between the two might look like.

How far back does this romance go? Will she stand by her man on the outside? Will the love of a good woman be enough to keep him from ending up behind bars again? And the burning question on everyone's minds: can a little Scarecrow be far behind?

HAVE A THREESOME
As seen in all imPort city newspapers, advertisement section:
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BOOTYFUL
As seen alongside commercials during daytime network programming:
Meet your new trainer Norman! He's a powerhouse of hunk ready to booty blast your assets into fine, focused fitness! With legendary measures of experience and legendary measurements PERIOD, you can find him at any Booty Burn Boot Camp franchise located within porter distance of the imPort cities! Don't wait! Don't delay! Get off that couch and into Norman's capable hands RIGHT NOW!

SUGAR AND PUMPKIN SPICE
As reported by the TuffLuffington Post and conversed about on Bwitter:
The illustrious and astoundingly sweet Princess Bubblegum found the BITTERLY MISSED stolen Pumpkin Spice within a mysterious basement, perhaps by using her remarkable powers of deduction. The culprit was none other than... (dun dun dun) KLARION! Disdainful of his caper being discovered, the self-proclaimed witch boy had turned the many jars of looted pumpkin spice into a bunch of rats, spiders and lizards and sent them running throughout the neighborhood in order to get rid of tasty evidence. But of course, once the spell had worn off, the critters turned back into a pumpkin (spice). A lot of Pumpkin Spice. These missing spice jars have appeared all over Heropa in completely random places -- places YOU might visit! Alleyways, parks, the middle of the sidewalk, up trees, and -- in some unfortunate cases -- inside pipes! Thanks, Klarion. Citizens, remember this when it's time to write up your naughty list!

TO-FUR-KEY
As promoted on the website BlueTube:
After an imPort broke 5,000,000 BlueTube views the viral video is causing lots of heated debate amidst animal rights organizations, diehard carnivores, and lovers of cat BlueTube sensations.

OH LOOK, SOME RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA PROBABLY
As seen on national news outlets and national public radio:
According to Moscow-based Soviet scientists, the former interdimensional godlike force known as Lachesis has been reincarnated into the subconscious of a native child -- a native child who conveniently happens to be at an undisclosed location in Russia. US intelligence operatives doubt the veracity of this claim, calling it nothing but a ploy to stir imPort aggression and civilian panic. Lachesis has been silent since the second era of imPorts began in 2013.

CHAIN GANG ACTIVITY?
As seen on the local De Chima news station DCNUWS:
A section of chain link fence has gone missing at a local De Chima middle school. Authorities are confused as to why such a thing would be removed and baffled as to how.

Stay tuned.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from EVERGREEN to SNOWFLAKE in response to everyone being so special. Yes, even you!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

Text

[restingstitchface]

Urban graffiti? Well, some people will believe anything is art.

But I am unsure what is more unexciting; the art itself or the subject thereof.

[Guess who's pointedly ignoring the fradulant drivel about his private life? This guy right here. Bring it.]

[itistolaugh]

WHAT THE HELL
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
WHAT DID YOU TELL PEOPLE OH MY GOD IM GOING TO KILL YOU

[restingstitchface]

What are you, Miss Quinzel? Simple-minded?

Stop replying. This is nothing but somebody's childish trick. Ignore them; it'll blow over.

[No. This isn't his doing.]

[itistolaugh]

dON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU UNBELIEVABLE DICKHEAD

[restingstitchface]

dON'T [Uppercase is the rule for beginning a sentence] TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU UNBELIEVABLE DICKHEAD

Put the rest in lowercase and appreciate the irony of your mistake. Oh, and end the sentence with a full stop. Much as you should be stopping your part in this conversation, in fact.

[itistolaugh]

NMCXA,X./,MSCAM.,XMB NEJLKQWJWRFWDL,M B,XZ ./,';[WKLKJEQALS;KJAX

[restingstitchface]

What an interesting choice of letters.

Not that I see much difference from your regular tattered vocab strings.

[itistolaugh]

who have you been talking to

[restingstitchface]

Only you. Therefore this cacophony is the result of your negligence. The fault is yours. I expect you to clean it up quickly.

[airshow]

Congratulations on the bouncing baby bundle of burlap!

[restingstitchface]

[What the hell are you doing? You stupid, stupid man. Don't talk to Crane if he's angry enough to make this face.]

What do you want?

[airshow]

What, can't a former costumed supercriminal be happy for a current costumed supercriminal finding love (or a reasonable facsimile thereof)?

[restingstitchface]

No, but bless your heart for giving in idle chatter what you lack in depth.

[Stop discussing this.]

[airshow]

Thanks, I try to stay balanced.

So when's the wedding? Can I be the flower girl?

[restingstitchface]

No you cannot. There is no wedding, you simpleton. Like there is no relationship. Why are you continuing with this ridiculous charade?

[airshow]

Ooh, denial only makes the rumors fly faster!

[restingstitchface]

[If only "I'm not denying anything" would work.

But somebody here is responsible. They're all laughing at him; to his face and behind his back. Through their hands. Planning something. He can hear it.]

Are you really going to keep this up?

voice

[thinhammer]

[ He's been meaning to discuss with Crane a few other titbits he's stumbled on in recent weeks, but this kind of takes the cake as far as interesting subjects go so all other thoughts are out of the window at this point. ]

Ya got a girlfriend?! I didn't think you were the kinda guy for that! [ Did he just.. ] Who knew ya had it in ya, huh? How long have you guys been together, huh? Are ya gettin' married soon? Can I come?

Text

[restingstitchface]

[Crane's responding to all discussions of this topic with the written word. He can control himself enough to speak, but this makes it simpler and gives him a tight grasp on his responses. It lets him control how others can respond in turn. But he can also enjoy the fact they cannot hear him lose his temper.

Though Naruto's pushing it.

How simple-minded is this child?]

No you cannot.

Don't intrude on matters that don't concern you.

[Because there is no wedding. Like there is no relationship. But he's totally up for making Naruto think he's not good enough to be on the guest list. Rejection hurts.]

-> text 1/2

[thinhammer]

[ PFFFT. If Crane thinks Naruto isn't totally used to rejection by now then he's got Naruto entirely wrong. It used to hurt, it kind of skims over his head now. He's never been one for actually listening when someone tells him he can't do something, anyway.

He doesn't really want to be awkwardly talking to himself, so he complies. Unfortunately, Naruto has used the text function twice in his lifetime, so he's not up to speed with the etiquette. This might be more annoying than his voice was. ]

ah what????? thats not fair i wouldnt be any trouble yknow
ive never been to a wedding before but i bet id be good at it

2/2

[thinhammer]

[ An afterthought, mere seconds after his previous one. ]

are you guys gonna kiss though cause
i dunno
thatd be kinda weird to watch i think

[restingstitchface]

[Aw, does Naruto want to be the guest of honor?

Cause he'll pull out a chair. It has restraints and everything. Then he will inject him with his toxin and watch what happens. If only he could make him fear his abuse of the English language in such a way.]

ah [Uppercase] what????? thats [Uppercase and apostrophe] not fair i [I!] wouldnt [Apostrophe] be any trouble yknow [Accented spelling has no place in formal writing. It makes you sound stupid.]
ive [No! Uppercase and apostrophe!] never been to a wedding before but i bet id [No! Capitalize the "I" and insert and apostrophe.] be good at it [This is the end of a sentence. Use a punctuation mark.]

Don't be ridiculous. Why are other people's relationships so important to you?

[Look at him noticeably avoiding correcting the second message. And not reading the sexual connotations of what he's asking. Deal with it.]

[thinhammer]

whats
what did you do back there did you like teach me something just now

[ No, he didn't. Notice how Naruto didn't actually learn anything. In his defence, he's never been to school in the typical sense. He knows how to write, but uh, in his native language, and not extensively. Just listen to him speak, he's no scholastic.

He'll just move on. Yep. ]

cos they are
its nothin to be so shy about yknow its kinda cute really
is she pretty

[restingstitchface]

[He's going to make you eat those words one day, Naruto.]

I'm sorry, I'm not going to answer that.

[He's just awkward, right? Being polite and haughty?]

But it's a nice question. Do you think she is?

[Naruto can find Harley's entries easily enough. His goal: set Naruto and Harley on each other and watch them fight.]

[thinhammer]

aaaaaaaah youre not answering because you think she iiiiiiis!!!
i know how that works youre just playing
um
hard to get!

[ Yeah, he knows your game, Crane. Totally on to you. He has you ENTIRELY figured out. He's seen movies, okay. ]

was she the lady yellin at you?? yeah shes pretty
when you guys have kids theyre gonna have yellow hair!

[ What? He has yellow hair. It's important. ]