NOVEMBER 20TH, 2015

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: NOVEMBER 20TH, 2015

MERMADE FOR A SPINOFF
Since the groundbreaking NBSea "documentary" that illuminated how some imPorts are clearly merport spies, the younger, more hipster locals of Heropa have dedicated their weekends to making homage art by creating (and often starring in) live "mermaid" installations. The most popular is a performance piece called "Dipper in the Deep End".

LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANKSY
As seen around Nonah:
Eleven painted portraits of Ambassador Urquhart have been witnessed around the city of Nonah with this quotation spray-painted across the subject's face. But is it... Art?

BUR LAPDOG
As seen on the gossip tabloid-turned-show TMI:
There's something in the air — and it's love! Rumor has it that Dr. Jonathan Crane has been seeing a special someone during his time behind bars. Speculation is raging as to the identity of the doctor's mysterious paramour, who our source would refer to only as "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"; however, what's certain is that the two had been engaging in frequent late night conversations and after hours "office visits" for some time before his incarceration. According to our anonymous source, she "likes dangerous men," a comment which our source punctuated with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle and, we quote, "wink wink." The source then provided this "artist's interpretation" of what a relationship between the two might look like.

How far back does this romance go? Will she stand by her man on the outside? Will the love of a good woman be enough to keep him from ending up behind bars again? And the burning question on everyone's minds: can a little Scarecrow be far behind?

HAVE A THREESOME
As seen in all imPort city newspapers, advertisement section:
MUSKETEERS INCORPORATED - Private Investigation and Security Services

Are you concerned for your safety? Have you been a victim of crime, and feel there is nowhere you can turn?

Musketeers Incorporated can help. We will provide loyal, personal security to keep you, your family, or your business safe. We pledge to provide you with high quality, reliable and truthful investigative results, where your confidentiality is guaranteed. When you are in need of assistance, our doors will be open. We will provide aid for import and native alike. To serve is our duty, and to defend you, our pleasure.

To avail of our services, or to inquire around working with us, please contact Athos, Porthos and d'Artagnan, c/o Musketeers Incorporated, De Chima.

BOOTYFUL
As seen alongside commercials during daytime network programming:
Meet your new trainer Norman! He's a powerhouse of hunk ready to booty blast your assets into fine, focused fitness! With legendary measures of experience and legendary measurements PERIOD, you can find him at any Booty Burn Boot Camp franchise located within porter distance of the imPort cities! Don't wait! Don't delay! Get off that couch and into Norman's capable hands RIGHT NOW!

SUGAR AND PUMPKIN SPICE
As reported by the TuffLuffington Post and conversed about on Bwitter:
The illustrious and astoundingly sweet Princess Bubblegum found the BITTERLY MISSED stolen Pumpkin Spice within a mysterious basement, perhaps by using her remarkable powers of deduction. The culprit was none other than... (dun dun dun) KLARION! Disdainful of his caper being discovered, the self-proclaimed witch boy had turned the many jars of looted pumpkin spice into a bunch of rats, spiders and lizards and sent them running throughout the neighborhood in order to get rid of tasty evidence. But of course, once the spell had worn off, the critters turned back into a pumpkin (spice). A lot of Pumpkin Spice. These missing spice jars have appeared all over Heropa in completely random places -- places YOU might visit! Alleyways, parks, the middle of the sidewalk, up trees, and -- in some unfortunate cases -- inside pipes! Thanks, Klarion. Citizens, remember this when it's time to write up your naughty list!

TO-FUR-KEY
As promoted on the website BlueTube:
After an imPort broke 5,000,000 BlueTube views the viral video is causing lots of heated debate amidst animal rights organizations, diehard carnivores, and lovers of cat BlueTube sensations.

OH LOOK, SOME RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA PROBABLY
As seen on national news outlets and national public radio:
According to Moscow-based Soviet scientists, the former interdimensional godlike force known as Lachesis has been reincarnated into the subconscious of a native child -- a native child who conveniently happens to be at an undisclosed location in Russia. US intelligence operatives doubt the veracity of this claim, calling it nothing but a ploy to stir imPort aggression and civilian panic. Lachesis has been silent since the second era of imPorts began in 2013.

CHAIN GANG ACTIVITY?
As seen on the local De Chima news station DCNUWS:
A section of chain link fence has gone missing at a local De Chima middle school. Authorities are confused as to why such a thing would be removed and baffled as to how.

Stay tuned.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from EVERGREEN to SNOWFLAKE in response to everyone being so special. Yes, even you!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

text;

[itistolaugh]

[ Harley's plan to sit and enjoy some trashy celebrity gossip has taken a sharp, unwelcome turn into hysterical murderous screeching. Enjoy that, residents of Heropa #6. ... And likely #5 and #7 as well. She's got a real set of lungs on her. ]

no no no no no
NOBODY is DATING crane oh my god
AND WHO MADE THAT DUMB PICTURE WITH THE BABY IM GOING TO KILL THEM

text

[glitterateur]

wait he's not your boyfriend?!

[itistolaugh]

nO WHO WOULD
OH MY GOD MABEL
WHY :'(

i know my standards are bad but they arent THAT bad please believe in me more than that

[glitterateur]

we all make mistakes!! dating mistakes

okay but if they're putting stuff in newspapers you gotta act fast because if a ton of people see it they're gonna start believing it like right away

and then you might have to get married

text;

[akito]

They must have been very desperate for content!
Just like a real tabloid.

[itistolaugh]

WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM

[akito]

I don't know...
It's really stupid.
∑(゜Д゜; )ヾ(‘～`；)

text;

[pushtheboundaries]

Verified.

[hey look he's helping]

[itistolaugh]

are you verifying crane's dating status or that im going to murder a graphic designer

[pushtheboundaries]

I'd like to think you know better than the latter. [harley do u need to watch some space princess]

action

[countdone]

[Well one of the people in Heropa #6, unfortunately, has super sensitive hearing. So he comes looking for Harley with his hands covering his ears.]

What are you screaming for?!

[He's like, half concerned and half pissed.]

[itistolaugh]

[ She has stuffed a pillow in her mouth to muffle to screams and also for the satisfaction of ripping something apart with her teeth, so she answers by pointing angrily at the screen. ]

[countdone]

[Alright he's checking this out...]

Oh god.

I guess I can forgive the screaming.

[hostage]

IDK this looks legit

[itistolaugh]

so mean

[hostage]

Want me to make a few calls?

We can tell em the baby's mine

[infomodder]

[but you took naps in his office tho]

[itistolaugh]

[ NAPS AREN'T WHERE BABIES COME FROM. ]

video;

[promotional]

[he lays low for like one week and this is what happens. you people are incredible.

sigh. text would be easier, but it's Harley so he'll go that extra two clicks and turn on his video feed.]

I'm gonna need you to take a couple deep breaths and then we need to talk so I can help you out here.

video;

[itistolaugh]

[ Harley isn't into calming down, but she is into looking cute so when Rhys uses video feed she realizes she should probably go freshen up in case she has tantrum face.

So now she's taken calming breaths and relaxed against her will. Now she doesn't know what to do with all this time she set aside for screaming. Thanks. ]

Hi, Rhys.

video;

[promotional]

Is this a bad time to talk about us?

[Let her scowl at him before she realizes it's a joke. That's fine. He just needs her to crack one smile.]

[text]

[timecapture]

Are you going to be okay?

I mean, I believe you and all, but this whole "article" is kind of creepy.

permatext;

[itistolaugh]

probably
idk
depends on how big of a tantrum cranes got worked up by his release date

[Text]

[sleight_of_hand]

Oh. So you two know each other.

[He has no idea how to feel about that. Sick? We'll start with sick.]

[Text]

[itistolaugh]

a bit
we arent close