- !npc | the government,
- haen hithiel | chatterbug,
- sabriel | abhorsen,
- † d'artagnan | n/a,
- † dorian gray | n/a,
- † hayley marshall-kenner | little wolf,
- † hazel lockwood | n/a,
- † kaito kuroba | kaitou kid,
- † lucifer | n/a,
- † maya fey | the pink princess,
- † nicolas demidov | seeking snow,
- † papyrus | the great papyrus!!!,
- † qubit | n/a,
- † riku | n/a,
- † tobias matthews | n/a
SHAKE IT OUT
As seen on all major news networks:
An earthquake with a magnitude of 4.0 struck Heropa on Sunday evening, according to the U.S. Geological Survey. The temblor hit at approximately 8:00 p.m. and could not be attributed to any fault line or tectonic activity, USGS reported. The cause is speculated to be linked to one or more imPorts, possibly related to the series of fires in the area. The earthquake was widely felt throughout the county, with many reporting moderate shaking near the epicenter downtown. About four minutes after the initial temblor, a quake with a magnitude of 2.4 struck the same area. It was followed at approximately 8:27 p.m. by a smaller one with a preliminary magnitude of 2.1. There were no reports of damages or injuries.
DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
As seen on Lulzfeed, Bowling Stone Magazine, and Fitchfork:
Up and coming imPort band Dorian Gray and the Hedonists has been targeted by Five Dozen Dads because a bizarre amount of his songs feature the Devil in them. Clearly satanic verse! Think of the children!!!! He's corrupting the youth!!!!
Dorian is quoted to have said, "One: it's only three or so songs out of their entire oeuvre, two: 'Sympathy for the Devil' and 'You're The Devil in Disguise' are classics back home, this is cross-dimension culture at work and three: the band's name is Dorian Gray and the Hedonists, they are not role models to begin with!"
This is "totally not" a controversy manufactured by Dorian and designed to drum up sales for the band's upcoming EP, which is releasing in early January. Ask your local record store if they're going to stock it. Buy, buy, buy!
As seen on the gossip tabloid-turned-show TMI:
Tobias Matthews, rumored imPort playboy, turned himself in for assaulting natives and turning them into vampires. Vampires! Blood-suckling fiends! These newly branded fledglings are now under the care of Kanaya Maryam. Allegedly, this is the connection to an army of undead (cited during the July 2015 swear-in).
While at least one of these vampires (allegedly named Terry Hart) has actually attacked innocent natives, it is known that both Toby and Terry have been bound by Sabriel to prevent any further attacks on natives.
But despite lengths to secure the vampire binding, Kanaya's heroic vampire reintegration efforts, and Tobias Matthews submitting himself for lock-up, you cannot help but wonder -- how safe is the native population? How safe is it really?
PUT THE FUN IN FUNDING
As seen on the internet as well as all imPort city newspapers and national morning talk shows:
Moved by the patriotism and sacrifice of fallen imPorts, SOMEONE has started a campaign on the crowdfunding website ShareTheLove to help pay for victims' medical expenses. The recipients include imPorts, regardless of their registration status, as well as natives. Please donate! It's the American thing to do.
NO BEATING AROUND THE AMBUSH
As seem from widespread coverage in almost all US-based online, print and TV news outlets:
HORROR IN HEROPA
Disaster! Terror! Fallen heroes! Arsonist FIRES erupted in downtown Heropa on the night of Sunday, December 6th, serving as a lure to draw America's heroes into a treacherous AMBUSH. Once imPort heroes were fully engaged with aiding civilians, they were suddenly thrown into disarray when their superpowers were altered through unknown means. Soon after, masked assailants appeared and took ruthless advantage of the confusion. Attacking without mercy, these heavily-armed TERRORISTS seemingly had no purpose but to kill imPorts: the same imPorts who moments ago were saving citizens from ravenous flames. Yet the heroes still inflicted heavy casualties on the enemy in fierce street fighting, and the attackers disappeared into the night, leaving destruction in their wake. In the aftermath, it appears that imPort powers remain afflicted by whatever SABOTAGE was inflicted on them.
A statement by military spokesperson Chandra Sweet condemned the "vile and despicable attack on innocent American civilians and the brave heroes who came to assist them," and promised the government's "full and unyielding support" to imPort heroes in restoring their powers and bringing those responsible to justice. The government's statement publicized the following heroes as known casualties of the ambush at this time, with TWO dead and FIVE injured:
Hal Jordan, overwhelmed by many attackers while on-scene to aid civilians!
Maya Fey, AKA the Pink Princess, a teenaged girl gunned down in the street while aiding a prosecutor in danger!
Barnaby Brooks Jr., scorched by enemy lasers while fighting the fires!
Kanaya Maryam, also struck by the enemy's laser weaponry while battling fiercely against many foes!
Manolo Sanchez, suffered a merciless assault which left him poisoned and with broken bones, despite being armed only with his guitar as he saved FURRY PETS from a store!
Nicolas Demidov, who fought nobly in defense of American lives despite his Russian heritage, blasted by laser fire and pierced by a poisoned syringe!
Dorian Gray, treacherously struck down by poison and felled by a broken leg while in the line of duty!
Sweet provided no information on how or when imPort powers might be restored to normal. She also refused to speculate on possible perpetrators of the attack, although suspicion is already focusing on the Soviet Union and anti-imPort extremists. Heropa has already been struck by anti-imPort terrorism this year, with many buildings targeted by the Hornets in February. Sources within the military have stated that whoever is responsible clearly has access to BIZARRE technology and ENORMOUS resources. The government has promised to provide further updates as the investigation develops.
HEROES WITH HEART
The following statement made by media darling Barnaby Brooks Jr. (issued the same day as the injured and killed imPort names are leaked) will cycle the national news stations and newspapers:
"Thanks to help from a quick-thinking imPort who kept calm during the chaos, as well as the dedicated medics who gave me a thorough follow-up exam in the aftermath of the attack, I'm grateful to say that I have received a clean bill of health and am fit to resume hero work. Many others, however, were not so fortunate. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, and my thoughts are with the first responders and fire victims, native residents and imPorts alike, who are currently recovering from their injuries. As we come together during this dark time, rest assured that many members of the imPort community are cooperating with local law enforcement in order to expose and apprehend the criminals responsible for this tragedy."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
As promoted in PEEPLE MAGAZINE:
IMPORT AMBASSADOR Francis Urquart was (non-lethally) captured while Holiday Shopping! Witnessed being very cosy with one of Nonah's natives, highly suspect. Is love in the air for our Nonah Ambassador just in time for Christmas?
Or is this something else?
ALL QUIET ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT
As briefly mentioned on national news outlets and national public radio:
It's been really very quiet.
As seen on BlueTube:
Native internet celebrity Jon Jonson went viral yesterday when his hysterical, tear-streaked plea to LEAVE THE IMPORTS ALOOOONE garnered much sympathy.
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SNOWFLAKE to VIOLENT VIOLET in response to this domestic aggression against imPorts.
WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.