APRIL 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2016

HELLO CHAOS, MY OLD FRIEND
As seen in local and national newspapers and heard on news radio:
In the early morning hours of April 18th, several simultaneous explosions rock the financial district of De Chima. Multiple buildings have been rigged with explosives meant to burn bright, green fire for several hours or until manually extinguished. There are about 20 buildings in all, which, when seen from above, form the shape of a question mark. The top and bottom buildings in the question mark pattern have had their windows blown out in the shape of a question mark as well, so even those without a bird's eye view can get the full benefit of the display.

Nearby cars in about a half mile radius of this strange, uncredited performance art have been broken into and filled with green confetti which will prove impossible to get out of upholstery. Each car is also left with a full banner stuffed into it, each one reading a different frustratingly juvenile riddle (the answers are printed helpfully on the back). No cars were damaged beyond the initial break in, unless the car in question had an alarm. Those cars were beaten into silence.

Now you know the sound of silence.

There will be 3 security guards found unconscious in their buildings of employment, but otherwise there were no injuries in the explosions.

#NOTALLTRANSFORMERS
As written about and denoted in popular scientific blogs and heartthrob scientist celebrity magazines like SIGHence:
POWER SURGE at StarkTech! On the evening of April 8th, there was a power surge on the StarkTech campus. The lights inside seemed to flicker, according to reports from the street, while nothing unusual happened elsewhere. StarkTech released a statement the morning after -- that it was a problem with an experimental power source. As most imPorts in the know might know, the CEO of the company designed his own suit of power-armor, and unfortunately, in an effort to improve the technology that powered his suit, he accidentally blew a transformer -- thankfully, the only thing that was ruined was his own suit. But just in case anyone was worried... He has extras.

Fans of former imPort Transformers had taken issue with this news break until clarification was offered.

DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM OF A DOWN
As read in the local Nonah press with camera footage and photographs on social media:
NONAH, NC - Describing a chaotic scene that resulted in disturbances for members of the public, sources confirmed yesterday that disorder erupted at the checkout desk of Nonah's Public Library after rogue imPort Jonathan Crane clashed with protesting library workers.

"After an hour or so of heated disagreement, the Scarecrow became deadly sober and went around the lobby one by one asking each of us whether our hostility and mistrust of his intellectual pursuits was because of a petty grudge," one commented. "The fact is, we kept trying to inform him the title he wanted had been reserved, but he just fought us all of the time."

"For the love of God, he then continued ranting about how the erosion of literary tradition is to blame for today's cultural decline and lack of intellectual curiosity. He even claimed we were committing sacrilege akin to destroying a temple for displaying popular books over timeless works that catalog the sum of human experience. To be perfectly honest, I just cleared out of the way when he started removing all the staff picks off the shelf and replacing them with good books."

Sources confirmed that the huffy and maniacal imPort was diplomatically appeased in the library's courtyard before being ushered out by fellow imPort and Sulfur Mustard front-man Count Dooku.

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
As seen on social media outlets such as Rumblr and Bwitter:
Fervor surrounding the upcoming FANPORT Convention surges to new heights. ImPort cosplay can be seen trending every day, and so passionate are some of these imPort fans that groups of them have been violently splintering and clashing with "opposing" fans. Aside from the random fisticuffs that could easily break out in an emotionally-charged bar or dance club, you might find the more talented partaking in "Flash Mob Karaoke" scenes composed of individuals all dressed as their favorite imPort surging a populated, serene public area. These are understood to be declarations of battle between warring music groups. A Capella group The Indiscretions of Dorian Gray have begun to perform their bawdy ballads outside of religious institutions. The hobbyist classic rock garage band Dad Jokes have renamed themselves Rick'n'Roll in honor of iconic imPort Rick Grimes, and have recently declared musical war against Soulfur Mustard, a blues cover band of the imPort-led metal group. Beloved imPort Lucy Pevensie has inspired the teenaged punk pop band How Farnia is Narnia with their gently encouraging hit new single "Step Out Of the Closet". Rumor has it that another teenaged coalition wishes to challenge Farnia for their spotlight crown.

You might notice that these typically ignored imPort-inspired bands have begun to attract media attention more and more, which seems to be mostly in due part of FanPort Fever. While no citizen has any issue with musical groups in general, these bands have begun to clash in person, over the internet, and sometimes in newspapers stanning for their most favorite imPorts. A musical shipping war could very well be on the horizon.

SEERIOUS BUSINESS
As read in the monthly publication The Pacific:
Journalist and skeptic Cassandra Ko has written a piece discussing how the rise in the general public's imPort mania has been carefully constructed by the government to distract its citizens from the increasing threat that the USSR poses.

"We only talk of war when it is convenient for the government," she explains within the article. "Why do you think that is?"

WAIT, IT GETS BWITTER
As discussed on Bwitter:
#imPortkin has been trending. It seems that recent controversies surrounding the imPort community have sparked unorthodox support. Some citizens appear convinced that they have a special connection to the more perceived-as-persecuted imPorts.

CLASSY-FIED
As briefly noted in all major newspapers and all major networks:
Trial for treasonous individuals within President Freemason's cabinet will begin. The information involving all parties, to include the defendants, is closed to any media circuit.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SPRING GREEN to ORANGE, because orange you glad we didn't say banana.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

video

[112ounces]

Dad doesn't even do any publicity. How did he get a band named after him?

video;

[brushoff]

[ he is just SO CHARMED. ]

My band'll kick your band's ass.

voice;

[slightlyoffchilt]

Yours versus... Hm, let's say Jeff Winger's band. Hypothetical band, not sure if he actually has one.

But his would consist of the gym membership breed.

text;

[iamtetsuo]

special connection??? but theyre normals

the hells that supposed to mean

[Text]

[doesntdomuch]

So, correct me if I'm wrong, but are imPortkins people who obsess over villainous imPorts?

[textualhealing]

Not just villains, all of us. Far as I've experienced, kins tend to associate themselves with something other than what they are. ImPortkins probably think they were an imPort in a past life, or that they were ported in without any announcement or knowledge, or part of their very being is imPort... oooor some other crap like that.

Long story short, they're sad, lonely people who want to be associated with greatness.

Video;

[knifecollecting]

So the importkins, they're crazy, right?

[Special connections and all that.]

Video;

[helladoomed]

Meh. They're probably just lonely and desperate to feel like they're connected to something.

video

[medalsome]

... Is there anyone else who noticed the mentions of a closed trial for, ah, treasonous individuals in the government? I can understand wanting some privacy for the families but this government hasn't done a terrific job in handling affairs without prior scrutiny.

[The bombing wasn't that long ago. Shouldn't there be some sort of outcry against the government just doing whatever they want without at least some sort of vote from their legislature or something? Having come from a country still so fresh from political revolution it strikes him as fishy.]

video; private

[bindsthedead]

You're not the only one. Given some of this country's history, it's a little concerning.

[liverletdie]

Can we stop with the robot blowing jokes? It's getting old.

[morethan084]

No it's not.

video;

[rideme]

The fuck is an 'importkin' supposed to mean?

video;

[fuckinstoplights]

... why would there be an issue with a blown transformer.

video;

[bindsthedead]

There were... a group of people here before. Mechanical ones, called transformers. I met a few, they were very nice- but they've all been Ported out.

I suppose people were worried that one of them came back and Mr. Stark blew them up.

video;

[brushoff]

The issue isn't that it's a blown transformer, it's that it's a blown transformer. [ complete with suggestive little eyebrow waggle ]

video;

[liverletdie]

[ Here to kill it. ]

It's a sex joke. A poor one, too.

video

[heymcfly]

"Because orange you glad we didn't say banana."

...Seriously?

Video

[morethan084]

What a time to be alive.

[That is sarcasm, in case that wasn't obvious.]

video;

[sleight_of_hand]

[ Seriously? For fuck's sake, Crane... ]

Crane, you're a damn nerd.

text

[restingstitchface]

Must you use such an inferior word to describe myself, detective?

Voice

[dun_moch]

Soulfur Mustard. Really, now.

[Dooku sighs heavily.]

It is unfortunate Doctor Crane felt the need to make such an undignified scene. I only regret that I could not have been present to calm the situation sooner.

Voice

[restingstitchface]

I would hardly have resorted to lodging my complaint in person if they'd handed over what was rightfully mine.

[A Crane and his books should never be parted.]

[video]

[helladoomed]

So Crane's a giant nerd. What a shock.

[She sounds amused rather than insulting.]

voice

[restingstitchface]

Apparantly so.

You may cease your attempts at humor now, Chloe.

[Look at him using a frienly first-name basis in public. ~Mentorship~]

Video

[tactile_telekinesis]

[He snorts.]

Wow, really?

[Not hard to guess which he's referring to.]

text

[restingstitchface]

Yes.

That would be why it's news.