[Video]

[lootsnshoots]

Listen up people of Earth, this is Cayde-6 speaking. First point of order: I have been informed that I'm your new Gun Safety Campaign Spokesman and I am very happy to keep your guns safe. Safe with me because my gun didn't make the trip and I'm feeling so very, very, very naked without it. If anyone can give me a loaner I'll owe ya big time.

Point number two: Just ... think of this as one of those ice-breaking exercises. You know the ones where everybody's awkward and doesn't wanna talk but you gotta answer some stupid question? One of those. Just. Just out of idle curiosity: what is your favorite thing about Earth? It can be anything, doesn't matter how small. In fact, it might be the small things that are the most important. Asking for a friend who isn't used to seeing it so ... intact.

[He counts out his fingers to four, thinks again, and subtracts one.]

Aaand number three: gimme the skinny on good places to eat around Maurita Falls? Extra points for good ramen joints. And I mean the real stuff, none of that instant business.

Comments

video;

[storyseeker]

Oh, we get tons of money, just piles and piles of cash. But only if you fill out the paperwork on arrival. I guess you zoned out and missed that. Too bad.

video;

[lootsnshoots]

Oh you're enjoying this, aren't you?

video; wow look at my html skills

[storyseeker]

Enjoying what, being a helpful citizen? Oh, absolutely.

[lootsnshoots]

Ha-ha, I get it miss sarcasm, you're taunting me with the horrors of paperwork. Excuse me for, uh, being overwhelmed by the beauty of Earth?

[storyseeker]

Uh-huh. I'm sure that's what it was. [She sounds so convinced.] But sorry, you're pretty unlikely to just get handed free guns. You'll have to work for them.

[lootsnshoots]

Don't get to keep my gun here, don't get to drive a tank back home, I swear to Light the Universe has it out for me.

[storyseeker]

Yeah, you sound really put-upon. Why do you want guns so bad, anyway?

[lootsnshoots]

[Cayde is flabbergasted by this question. It is a fundamental contradiction of his worldview.]

B—because! It's what I do? I use guns to shoot bad guys and take their sweet loot, which is usually better guns, and then you use the better guns to kill BADDER bad guys and get better loot! To save the universe with!

[storyseeker]

[She laughs.]

Oh, lord. You make it sound like a video game or something. That kind of thing will probably get you arrested here. [Not that she necessarily considers that a big deal. It kinda depends.] I'm not sure it's a viable career path.

[lootsnshoots]

And I like video games. They give me something to do during meetings. And look, why would anybody go to the trouble of setting up an inter-dimensional portal to kidnap me if not for my incredible talents. Which are, might I emphasize, largely centered around being good at guns.

[storyseeker]

I dunno. Could be the same reason an inter-dimensional portal kidnapped the rest of us?

[lootsnshoots]

Special torture?

[storyseeker]

Oh, no. The special torture involves a special class of bad movies and worse food while we watch.

[lootsnshoots]

That sounds like a good night, actually. You have no idea how rare it is to pull movies from pre-Golden Age data, even bad ones.

[storyseeker]

Clearly, you've never seen Manos: The Hands of Fate.

[lootsnshoots]

You would be right. What's it about? Are there space adventures? Romance? Romantic space adventures?

[storyseeker]

I couldn't possibly explain it, no, that really depends on how you look at it, and oh god no.

[lootsnshoots]

You know I have to watch it now, right? You can't just say 'oh no I couldn't possibly explain this inexplicable tale' to someone and expect them not to develop a need to know what it could possibly be about.

[storyseeker]

Yeah? Please let me know what you think of it when you're done. I really wanna know.

[lootsnshoots]

That sounds like a dare to me.

I accept.

[storyseeker]

Oh, good. I can't wait.

[lootsnshoots]

Now that is the face of a mischief maker if I ever saw one, and lemme tell you I have seen them. So I'm warning you that if this is some kinda dark curse that kills me, you inherit all my gambling debts.

[storyseeker]

Well, you're not wrong. How high are the debts?

[lootsnshoots]

Sundance, can you gimme a number on that?

[An orb shaped robot inside an inverse cube hovers at his shoulder for a moment before disappearing in a puff of light.]

Right, so, the "file is too large to download." Take that as you will.

[storyseeker]

Ehhh. I'll risk it.