MASK OR MENACE

ANIMAL HOUSE: THE REMAKE
As seen in various social media:
It’s a Zoo Out There!

ImPorts run amok at the Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington, D.C. From a pokemon trainer trying to run off with one of the zoo’s chickens to pretending to be part of the exhibits themselves, imPorts made quite a spectacle at the most recent Swear-In.

Numerous videos are floating around the web showing several reported incidents and the comments sections are as always on fire.

“See how she just looks around like she did nothing wrong! All these imPorts are the same. They flaunt how they’re above the law at every opportunity. Even their teenagers are getting in on it now!” one comment says on a video of an imPort teen who went to retrieve an avocado from an ostrich exhibit.

“So you’re going to ignore how our own teens ignore the law all the time? Get over yourself. That girl was trying to save the animals from CHOKING!” Another poster fired back before the thread devolved into a mass of conspiracy theories over who threw the fruit to begin with, and whether or not aliens were involved.

One imPort was even found impersonating a snake and is accused of attempting to stage a mass breakout of the reptile house. Despite the attempts of witnesses to identify the imPort, no one has managed to do so. In addition, while several reptiles escaped they were confirmed to have been returned by morning. Handlers noted that several of the reptiles appeared dazed, a junior handler joking that some of them could even be mistaken for being hung over.

All reptiles are being seen by veterinarians to make sure they are healthy before the public is allowed to view them.

In addition to the confirmed reports of chaos caused by imPorts, authorities believe that the theft of the giant isopods at the Insect House exhibit was carried out by at least one of a number of imPort suspects.

“We can’t comment much on the state of the investigation, but there were several suspicious individuals present for long periods of time in the building. Most of those individuals have been confirmed to be imPorts,” says Officer Robert “Bob” Manchester of the local police department.

Regardless of whether or not the investigation ends in arrests, critics are commenting that nothing substantial will be done to the culprits and that imPorts consistently get away with crimes far more serious than stealing crustaceans from the nation’s most famous museum.

OUTSIDER LOOKING IN
As seen on imPort news, gossip pages, social media:
The Porter Cities are no stranger to imPort fans but recently there's been a buzz around fans calling themselves the "Cult of the Outsider". A snippet of an interview with two of them, names obscured:

So what is "the Cult of the Outsider"?
B: Okay, like, first off, it's not a real cult or anything. Just a cute name we came up with. You know, for the hashtag. #CultOfTheOutsider
D: Yeah, we were going to call ourselves the "Fan-Cult" but some podcast's using that one. We're just a fan community.

But why the Outsider? And why "cult"?
D: He's so weird but cool, like, super creepy but in a cute way.
B: He makes me feel like an edgy middleschooler again.
D: Right? And then the cult thing came because there's a rumour he's a god or demon or crypdid something.
B: He wouldn't be the first imPort to be something like that. But no one seems to know much about him, so there's this air of mystery. But has like, cult energy. Put on some robes and meet at midnight deal.

What does he think of you guys?
D: No idea. He doesn't have a Bwitter or anything. No online presence at all.
B: He keeps poofing away when we see him in real life. Forget about talking to him, all we really have are blurry, candid photographs and some footage from the swear-ins.
D: But that's part of the fun. The mystery, the thrill of the chase.
B: At least it keeps us distracted from everything else going on. Maybe he's Death, here to usher in the end of the world.
D: She's joking.
B: I'm joking! Joking.

THAT'S NO MOON(LANDING) AND OTHER CONSPIRACIES
As seen in the local newspapers:
A small group of civilians gathered outside the military base at Cape Canaveral this week, demanding that government officials come out and answer questions about what they called an "absolutely fake" staging of the Death Star's appearance in the sky, involving "probably mirrors or CGI or something," despite the fact that the structure can be seen with the naked eye.

"It's just a stunt to distract us from the truth," said one protestor, who declined to give his name or elaborate on what he believed the truth to be. "You'll see. The moon is totally still there. This is a publicity stunt."

EGADS AEGIS!
As seen on international news, emergency broadcast channels, posted online through official Aegis Force Bwitter:
PRESS RELEASE FROM AEGIS FORCE: The astronomical phenomena that has replaced the Moon in Earth's sky has been confirmed as being a structure known as the DEATH STAR, known to several imPorts as a super-weapon in their home universe. All attempts to contact the Moon Base have failed, and at this time it appears that Earth's Moon has been completely replaced by this structure.

Initial reconnaissance by imPorts confirms the station is unmanned except for numerous hostile security droids. Space-capable imPorts are carrying out ongoing exploration of the structure, which should not be approached by any natives due to the extreme risk involved. It is possible that the Death Star poses a threat to Earth, but this is still being evaluated. It is theorized that the appearance of the Death Star is linked to the same 'dimensional destabilization' effect that has produced cryptids and other paranormal phenomena this year.

Aegis Force urges all citizens to remain calm and alert during this uncertain time. ImPort heroes and their government allies are hard at work investigating this situation. Further information will be released as it becomes available.

DEATH OF A STARSMAN
As seen on every available media outlet:
Following a press conference at the White House, the U.S. government issued a press release regarding the recent appearance of the orbital structure. Although it is colloquially known to some imPorts as the "Death Star," the president stressed that satellite data and early reports from imPorts who traveled there do not indicate any immediate danger to Earth.

The President issued thanks to the proactive imPorts who showed the exact patriotism this month's swear-in celebrated by taking the initiative to scout out the structure. The government asks that all imPorts who have or intend to visit the Death Star meet with officials from the Department of Defense for debriefings and to plan further, more formal explorations.

After the press conference, the president departed to New York City, where a contingent of the United Nations is gathering to discuss international responses to the sudden appearance of the structure.

JUST ANOTHER POKEMONDAY
As seen gone viral on Bwitter, Bluetube, and various gossip blogs:
While everyone else was wondering where the moon went, imPorts Nikolai and newcomer Archer- or Apollo Akagawa, as he's since corrected- were having a not-so-touching reunion at the end of the Swear-In. It's claimed Nikolai ran away from home as a child and hasn’t met with Apollo since. That isn’t to say the man hasn’t been keeping an eye on his charge though, and that’s where a great deal of the strife originated.

While various sources on BlueTube have the full conversation uploaded (some with commentary), Apollo’s comments after the verbal fight paint a picture of a family shattered by a father’s absence and a beleaguered guardian who made an error in judgement in raising an angry child. Apollo asked for witnesses to be patient with Nikolai, saying the boy has felt alone for quite some time and that any misbehaviour is from a misguided youth.

Nikolai himself has counterclaimed Archer's comments via Bwitter and BlueTube, stating that at age 11 his father very much just up and left, much the same with Archer. Also that Apollo is a Stupid name. But mostly that he was just abandoned by his father and those he considered parental figures and that Archie stepped up to the role of guardian here long before Archer arrived.

Naturally, the comment sections are rife with heated arguments as to which name Archer should be referred to (including Arcpollo or ArchPollo), theories as to what this means for family life in a world with pokemon, where Nikolai's mother was in all of this, and one commenter even asked if this means Archer is Nikolai's father. That comment earned a big fat NO from Nikolai himself. Some fans are also claiming Nikolai, known for rough treatment of his pokemon animals, did in fact steal 'Oda', but Nikolai has counterclaimed that, stating he very much came by his feraligatr legally.

BRAVE NEW WORLDS
As seen on international and local news:
Evidence of microbial life in the clouds above, a new species of blackbirds with faces that split open to mimic a fleshy flower -- presumably to attract bugs. No beak, just a reddish mouth flap that peels back. These strange, otherworldly creatures have been sighted infrequently over the summer and have finally been documented by leading biologists.

"In the lower atmosphere, there are these sudden and new kinds of toads. They float. In the lower atmosphere," said Doctor Petra Ward, head biologist of the Manhattan Institute of Evolutionary Science. "We're calling them zeppelinoids. We think they make hydrogen out of water, a reversal of osmosis in a sense, and store the hydrogen in their throats and... then they float."

These zeppelinoids have been migrating down the Eastern US coasts.

"These specimens are not of this world," said Ward.

Speculation has erupted in the conspiracy communities. The multiverses are slipping into each other, and the apocalypse is coming, a narrative pushed heavily in more recent weeks. Some point to OTO involvement, some resurrect the name Peter Narga -- a former philanthropist who had always been interested in imPorts and their parallel universes.

"Curious," wrote Bwitter handle SPXNGIII. "How Peter means Rock. Narga. Rok. Ragnarok."

Conspiracy theories are running rampant, and Bwitter has hardly seen a heyday as bright as this for such thought experiments.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from RADIANT to THE HOLY GHOST. See you on the other side.

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