[ voice ]

[hostage]

[This guy sounds like a total hood, his voice rough and gravelly with a cadence that suggests he's straight outta Compton. (Or, you know, Albuquerque. Whatever.) Even so, he doesn't sound angry. He's excited, actually.]

Yo, so… Oh my god. This shit about -

Hold up. Lemme start again, sorry.

My name's, um, Jesse. Jesse Pinkman. ABQ represent. 'sup.

Anyway, so this shit about superpowers. Like, I get it, but… For real? They brought us here to be superheroes? With like the whole mask and alias thing and everything? 'cause it feels like - no offense, okay - but it feels like some kinda Punk'd thing and any second now some camera crew's gonna jump out and Ashton Kutcher or some asshole's gonna…

[He loses that train of thought, laughing to himself.]

Unbelievable. That's what this shit is.

Comments

[aggressiveapathy]

You should charge.

[hostage]

Damn straight I'll charge. If I ever even feel like doing it. I bet that shit hurts like hell.

[aggressiveapathy]

Mm. Charge and film it then sell the film. Gotta be a kink for someone.

But that's seriously it? No magic color changing hair or turning into a flea pile or something?

[hostage]

Damn, girl. That's sick.

But I think that's it. I dunno.

[aggressiveapathy]

Thanks.

[There's a pause, then the feed switches to Video. To show April sitting with one raccoon in her lap and another laying across her shoulders.]

So. That's mine. I'm like their queen.

[hostage]

[Jesse flips video on, too, and leans in to look at the screen. His face lights up at the sight of them.]

Shut up. No, seriously? You're the queen of the raccoons? That's your power?

[aggressiveapathy]

Totally. They make me sandwiches and pay my taxes and stuff.

[She reaches up to pet one.]

So. If they get hurt I know who to call, I guess. They don't get coming back shit.

[hostage]

Ahhhhhh, trying to take advantage of me with cute things. I'm onto your game.

[aggressiveapathy]

They're adorable, right? Most people don't get it. Maybe it's like a growing up in a crap town thing or something.

[hostage]

What, seriously? People don't like your raccoons?

[aggressiveapathy]

Yeah. Soulless jerks.

And the sanitation department.

[hostage]

Okay, well I kinda get why the sanitation department might get pissed off at 'em. We had a possum trapped in our house once and that was a real bitch.

[aggressiveapathy]

Well, yeah. Possums are viscous jerks that love tacky flower paints. These guys totally have class.

[hostage]

Ohhhhh, okay. Right on, they're classy raccoons.

[aggressiveapathy]

Every time you're sarcastic about them, a raccoon digs out blackmail from your trash.

[hostage]

I'm not being sarcastic! They're totally cool.

[aggressiveapathy]

Hm.

[She pauses, evaluating.]

Fine. The blackmail gathering will just be for fun instead of revenge.

[hostage]

Did we just skip to the crazy break-up stage without even dating first?

[aggressiveapathy]

I just like to be prepared. Half the people here go crazy supervillain eventually and your power kinda sounds like a tragic origin story waiting to happen.

[hostage]

Ah, yeah. Me as a supervillain. Totally. What am I gonna do, heal people to death?

[aggressiveapathy]

You're not thinking out of the box. Everything has evil potential.

[hostage]

From the sound of it, you're the one with evil potential.

[Joking, of course.]

[aggressiveapathy]

Mm. Too bad I'm allergic to spandex. And doing things.

[hostage]

So get some leather and minions.

Look, you already got raccoon minions!

[aggressiveapathy]

I know, they're pretty sweet. And look at me. I'm amazing in leather.

[a beat]

Oh my god, don't tell me you're one of the ones shopping for a hot nemesis.