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maskormenace2019-06-10 06:05 pm
maskormods) wrote in maskormenace2019-06-10 06:05 pm
THE MAJORITY REPORT: JUNE 10TH, 2019
IRIS-TED DEVELOPMENT!
As seen on De Chima Citizen, Heropa Daily, general news community, Bwitter:
The De Chima Citizen, a daily newspaper in De Chima, has named imPort journalist and best-selling author Iris West as its new managing editor. She, along with De Chima's Society of Professional Journalists, are also the new co-owners of the De Chima Citizen (DCC) after former owner and editor-in-chief Noah Sanford's well-deserved retirement. Prior to her new role, Iris served as a freelance editor for the Citizen's politics and city section, wrote the best-selling novel Florida Man Rides Again, and headed operations at O'Malley Research Hospital in downtown De Chima.
"It is a huge honor and blessing, and not one I take lightly," Iris said at a recent press conference. "The Citizen has had a rich proud tradition in news for nearly a hundred years, and I'm excited to tackle the challenges that await us."
As such, while the Citizen celebrates its nearly-hundred year tradition of informing the general public about the ongoings in De Chima and the world, Iris plans to maintain the De Chima Citizen's journalistic integrity and quality while taking its digital edition to the next stage.
"This is an exciting time for news, not just for locals but for us imPorts as well, and I can't wait to see what's in store for us."
KIRB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
As seen in some local De Chima newspapers:
Park authorities were rattled and children were recently traumatized by the deaths of exactly half of the ducks at the Kirby Park duck pond, including one of the two pairs of Mandarins and their ducklings. No cause of death was obvious from the state of the bodies, but a local vet is performing necropsies. Officials suspect that the pranksters responsible for the previous duck-napping and return of extra ducks may be involved, and doubled the reward for information leading to their identities.
CONSPIRA-SEA TO SHINING SEA
As seen on COASTER TO COASTER:
On the most recent episode of morning podcast COASTER TO COASTER, as hosted by Paul Davelides, famous imPort Jacob Taylor, leader of Aegis Force, sat for a conversation with Paul himself. Both men had mutual interest in some of each other's work, and this affable session hit some specifically stunning highlights. You might have been lucky enough to catch the following:
DAVE
Great work, what Aegis Force does. We're a big fan here at Coaster to Coaster, Jacob, and after my next VANISHED 411! book hits the market, I'm looking to expand topics. Specifically into imPort organizations. But let me ask you this, given all the salt-of-the-earth work you do, what government resistance has Aegis faced?
JACOB
The government has actually been very cooperative with our team. They fund our HQ, and we have a fully vetted native staff to help us with daily operations. We both recognize our need to co-exist and are working together to make things better for everyone.
DAVE
Wow, well, gotta say! That's unexpected. Moving on... Specifically on the topic of imPorts, who in your esteemed opinion are the most dangerous imPorts?
JACOB
I can't deny there are imPorts who have caused problems, like Armitage Hux and Woden, but Aegis is committed to handling them. And our response to these criminals has been top notch. I won't glorify their crimes or exaggerate the danger by branding anyone 'most dangerous', but I will say Aegis will always shield against danger from any source.
That said, the threat from imPort crime pales compared to the menace the OTO poses to the lives of millions. Aegis has pledged to stop that threat, and we ask people to trust in us to get the job done.
DAVE
The OTO, yeah, we've got some theories on those boys. I know you want to hit more on that topic, but before we cycle back... Does Aegis have a contingency plan in case the government starts cracking down on his people? No need to give any details! Wouldn't want to compromise the plan just in case someone nasty is listening in.
JACOB
A contingency plan would imply we'd be resisting any sanctions the government uses to rein us in. Aegis will always be on the lookout for corruption and abuse of course, but we recognize that we answer to ordinary people and their representatives. So the only 'compromising' that is happening is the compromising both the government and imPorts have willingly made to co-exist, and that's not something we mind having in the public eye.
DAVE
Hm, hm, hm, I'm sure our listeners will be relieved to hear that specifically about corruption. Nothing more corrupted than the marriage between the feds and the paramilitary industrial complex. And for anyone just cluing into that, check out Episode 1098 for the details on THAT! But I don't want to hog the knowledge here, Jacob, I know you wanted to pick my brain too. Let's have at it!
JACOB
What he knows about DARPA knowledge or involvement of the dimensional destabilization?
DAVE
Our "fine friends" at DARPA, they're the inventory line into your OTO "pals". Thirty, thirty-five years ago at least, there was DARPA diddling with the constraints of multidimensional speacetime. You know why we haven't had any Bigfoot sightings for half a century? DARPA screwed up! Created a rift! Sucked up and spat out all their little projects they didn't want us knowing about! Ghosts? You noticed the severe paucity of EVPs? DARPA. Ghosts are just another mess DARPA made and tried to hastily clean up. Opened a rift into the afterlife, they did, and they didn't want us to know. Well guess what! We KNOW!
JACOB
And how do you know?
DAVE
Painstaking research! Following the red thread, my friend, the red thread! You got witnesses, you got testimony, you got people out in Heartland America calling in about supernatural beasts vanishing before their eyes. And then reappearing, all the sudden. We've got a beat on that too, don't you worry, we have seen what DARPA is trying to "fix". Reports of monsters coming back? First Jeopardy, now this! They're playing with plasma, my friend, they. Are. Playing. With plasma! And plasma's gonna fucking HURT. My contacts, they all know ex-DARPA. They know the ones who got away, the ones who lived. Hard life, hard thing faking your death, you get me? You understand, you're a sharp mind.
JACOB
Do you have any names Aegis could look up for further information?
DAVE
Jacob, Jacob! I can't spill my sources, but... You ever take a real hard look at the message boards that host this kind of information? All based outside the US. International governments, they aren't trying to censor the truth as ardently. You know why? 'Course you do, it's because all of this chaos, all the imPorts coming here no offense, all that ties back to DARPA and the government. You're a nuclear warhead, every one of you are. And some egghead scientists in coke bottle glasses, they had no idea what they were doing when they first started pulling in people from other universes. They thought hey, here it is, here's an easy way to get an unmatched army. An easy way to make other nation states kneel, y'know? But ya boys, the OTO, they weren't having it. They understood the risks, that's why they broke away from big papa DARPA.
[A BRIEF PAUSE FOLLOWS.]
JACOB
Do you have a projected time when the effect could become truly apocalyptic? Can anything could be done to stabilize this universe and/or reverse the effect?
DAVE
A twofer! You're a sly one, Jacob, you really are. First: yes, our astrophysicists AND our astrologists calculate Armageddon to come around, oh, later September, early October. Sorry for you Libras out there! Haha! Ha... And for your second question: no. There's no methodology our modern science and present grasp on quantum mechanics can in fact halt or even stall the inevitable. This shit is biblical, man. But that's why we have you imPorts, yeah? You guys come in, you disrupt the fabric of reality. You guys can undo it, yeah? Of course you can.
A NEW POE-D-IUM
As seen on Bwitter:
#PoeD, a fresh hashtag, has been trending on Bwitter for days now. Days! Apparently the origin of the hashtag has its roots in the unfortunate typo of an unrelated meme that politician-turned-actor Driv E. Adams bweeted out, although online scholars are currently debating the "mistaken" nature of said "typo". Speculation aside, the meme has taken a life of its own. From recipe links (#Poe-D-atoes) to athleticism (#NotMyFirst #PoeDeo) to the more obviously unseemly use of the D.
Bwitter seeks a public response from imPort Poe Dameron.
CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from ENDLESS BREADSTICKS GARDEN GREEN to IT'S NOT THAT DEEP BLUE FAM.
WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.
COASTER TO COASTER BWITTER FEED
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also i did not sleep with some random politician, before anyone asks
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i tried to fly a horse once, it didn't go well, but i'm pretty sure that's not what they're referencing here
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horseplay.
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okay yeah i'll give you points for that one
i'm half expecting to get a call to to read thirst bweets on television now
i haven't even had my shirt off on camera for a while
maybe they're all excited for volleyball
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Perhaps volleyball.
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look i can't be held responsible for how deep their interests go
it's commendable that they don't just take things shallowly
so i should throw them a bone
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Head's up.
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no i lied that ones new
for the record i also only have one bone
some people have very complex imaginations
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the guy does look really weirdly familiar but i think giving him any satisfaction at this point may just help his pole numbers
*poll
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I do not believe that typo was unintentional.
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Which reminds me. Surely we are due for another brunch?
--> private
[ He switches to Private. ]
though i also really need to ask your advice about something
not me but
how to help someone else
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permaprivate
and not in a fun way
i can't give a lot of details i just
don't know how to help him
not at brunch though brunch is just for us to hang out
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i mean i guess more of it is already public than i'd like but
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no i'm not worried about that
sorry
i don't really know what i'm worried about i just
someone i care about a lot
may have been really, really influenced by something against their will
like really influenced
like with a control chip in their brain influenced
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Or is it taking revenge?
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if i could touch the bastards that did this, i would
but i can't.
this is something from home, not from here. this is something they put in him as a child.
so. rehablitation. but as you might have guessed, my skillset is far more on the side of blowing shit up.
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We'll talk, I'll see what I can do. The full scope would help me determine the ideal treatments and techniques.
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i just
he's not from a place where doctors are well meaning
he wouldn't understand me asking for help from one
but i could really, really use the help
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But I suppose an exception can be made.
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i guess just think of it more as helping me help him
even if there isn't a lot that i can do, i just
want to do something
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i appreciate it
and i'll make it up to you
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Good.
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