(no subject)

[deadendjob]

[At first, there is very clearly a hand covering the camera lens, and a muffled voice can be heard off screen.]

Okay, okay. Just do it. Put yourself out there. But- what do I say? I’m not really a big address kinda guy- I work one on one. A mano-a-mano type, that’s me. Okay, okay, big guy. Just gonna use a line.

[A throat is cleared and the hand removed. The voice that accompanies the sudden appearance of the wild-haired man on camera is different than it was before. Booming, echoing almost. ]

I am the Lord thy God.

[There’s a pause, a cough. Then the voice turns to normal, what you’d expect to hear from the face it is coming out of.]

And, uh, heyo kiddoes, I’m hiring. Never really done this before- but, hey, gotta keep the old ball spinning, right? So looking for those resumundos for every department. Just send them to my assistant…

Uh, also hiring an assistant. That one first. The rest of you just hold off until then, yeah? Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

[God nods, places the communicator down and then just...sits there, tapping his hands on his knees in a off-beat pattern. Apparently having no idea the comm needs to be turned off.]

Comments

[madlove]

I...

wtf just happened here?

[deadendjob]

Sorry, kiddo. Can't read a thing without my glasses. Can you speak up there?

video.

[goldtoxicity]

Um...

[ he was raised as some kinda religious, lived in a church for a while, and this is throwing him for a loop. ]

Hiring for, uh... What, exactly?

[deadendjob]

Uh, everything? This Earth's been running solo for a while. And let me tell you- wow. What a mess. Yes, sir. Nothing like my Earth.

[This is a lie.]

All of Heaven, Inc needs a reboot.

[constantdick]

About time you made an appearance, you wanker.

[Not that he believes this guy is God, mind you.]

[deadendjob]

Hey, buddy! Good to be here.

[Is he doing the thing where you know someone knows you but you don't remember their name? You bet.]

How's it been hanging?

[action]

[measuringdicks]

[Knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door—

Or just God’s door. A pretty shitty God, honestly, nothing like the one he used to hear about back in Derry. Sort of makes him feel better about himself, really.

Although when the guy opens his door Richie straightens his posture out.]

Your comm’s still on. [Also:] If you’re God, what the fuck do you need assistants for?

[deadendjob]

He picks the comm up, looking at it curiously- and, for anyone still watching, maybe nauseatingly as he flips it over and over.]

It's what now?

[Concerns about a small child yelling at him: zero]

Video |

[privatepurchases]

[Wait what. Wait what the fuck. Wait wait wait wait-

Hold the phone here because-

Hold the phone. This is not-

What the fuck. What the actual- nope. no no no - It's a lie but also be right back because holy shit time to get sober and oh heaven what is he/she/them/they gonna say when he finds out (somehow?) that -

Pleased. Obviously pleased but-

Gabriel can't manage to look presentable because he is exhausted and tired but you don't just come over the network and announce it right? Of course not. It's her. It has to be she's just-

this could be some cruel joke.

His enthusiasm dies as he stares at the camera before he turns it on and there's a guy in a flannel shirt with bright violet eyes and out of place mild bedhead looking like judgement personified. When he speaks however his voice is desperate. You can hear the please.]

Prove it.

[Every instinct, every single one he has is screaming at him because to demand this-

It's -

Oh no. Oh no no no. His throat works.]

Please.

[deadendjob]

The job? Just gotta come sign right on up, buddy. Uh- I mean interview. That's how it goes. Interview first.

[Right? Where did his HR department go]

[a_gaggle_of_ghosties]

[..........]

What in the name of the Empire is going on with this week

No. To all of it. And you.

I've only ever met two beings even close to anything anyone would ever consider a god, and you're neither Vitiate nor Ashaa.

[deadendjob]

Sounds like different management. What galaxy you from there? heard most were just in the swirling dust business these days.

[hisfavoriteson]

[What. The. Hell.]

You bloody well are not the Lord my God.

[deadendjob]

One and only in this place, kid.

permavid

[mortalweapon]

[ She's blue. She's metal. She's curious. ]

I am an excellent multitasker.
And very efficient, in so far as assistants go.

[deadendjob]

Excellent! One, important question:

How are you with mixed drinks? And microwave programming.

warnings: anti-god/anti-religious views.

[am_i_a_monster]

That's a strange line to use. Why would anyone want to work for a serial killer?

[deadendjob]

Come again now?

[sathan]

( oh heaven )

That's impossible.

( for how much she's seen those words say something )

[deadendjob]

Oh, nothing's that. Except opening those damn things they seal DVDs up with. What's up with all that? Who wants a movie that bad?.

[voice]

[heartstings]

[ This drunk is unconvinced. ]

God, right. Y'know how many Fae have claimed to be gods? A lot. And then this place...it just, boy does it bring in the weirdos.

[ Look, she knows Lucifer is running around and Gabriel is a goddamned angel, but she's still going to challenge him on this. ]

[deadendjob]

Tell me about it. You see some of these people on here? Just plain mean.

Video

[devilishly_handsome]

You're the lord our god? And which one would that be?

[deadendjob]

You know. God. The God. Of Earth?

[drivesadesk]

Sorry...still not really following who you're supposed to be?

[deadendjob]

Is this thing not working? Hello? Testing?

[He taps the screen. Enjoy that finger close up]

Video

[xth_gambler]

A god from where? Olympus? The Caribbean? I have seen many gods before. The only I have known to hire assassins rather than do their own work was Hades.

[deadendjob]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Assassins? You are ice cold, my dude. I'm not hiring those. T

[Pause]

Today.

video;

[fridgeflower]

Not unheard of. Welcome to another world.

Are you, like... Paying currency? I'm kinda looking for a job, actually, but I'd worry that a potential deity's idea of payment might be loftier than my Earthly needs.

[deadendjob]

We're a little short on mundo at the momento- but no worries. Once we get this up and going it'll come rolling in! You get a special perk to start though, getting in on the ground floor.

[softheartedshizun]

What does being the assistant of a god entail?

[deadendjob]

Now that's the kind of sharp thinking we're looking for. It takes...well. Everything. You'll be involved in all the moving and shaking up here.

video; un: Julian Delphiki | Bean

[justlittle]

[ Bean was practically raised by a Catholic nun. He didn't believe in God then. He doesn't believe in Him now.

Can still quote Bible verses by heart, though. ]

"For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect."

What "great signs and wonders" will you try to show us to prove your claim?

[deadendjob]

Wowza, you write that yourself little guy?

Video

[bodilesswarrior]

You're doing to have to narrow down which Earth. [ Her voice is wryly amused, but her gaze is scrutinising. ]

If yours has a Justice League we're going to have some words. [ She doesn't think so - Zauriel certainly never mentioned a Heaven Incorporated - but it's as good a way to start as any. ]

[deadendjob]

Oh, oh we have Leagues. All kinds of those. Sea...united, I think? Others?

Wait, just how many schmucks out there have been stealing my design?

video

[burlyboy]

...which one?

[deadendjob]

The Earth God. Ya know, me?

Video

[detectivedwloki]

[Eyebrows raised.]

You're God?

The last God I met was an unpleasant Norse God who attacked me for helping a child.

So are you the wrathful sort of Biblical God or something else?

video

[tricksterofasgard]

Are you still mad about that?

Also what do you mean by unpleasant?

video

[tricksterofasgard]

[ Okay, this looks fun. ]

Well, I am Loki. God of Mischief and all that.

Does that mean we can form our own super hero group now?

[deadendjob]

What kinda outfit are you thinking?

video;

[cantgetanyworse]

Oh, good Lord.

[Well, that's about the worst thing Jane could have chosen to say in that moment, but out the words fall, and she immediately puts a hand to her mouth as if she might be able to push them back in again.

But no, there it was, and she almost puts the phone down right there.

Now, normally, she would have dismissed this entirely. Normally, she would have just thought this man was mentally unwell and ignored it, or maybe offered to get him a hot meal and somewhere to sleep. But now...

Now, she knows angels, and demons, and people with amazing powers, and the idea that God might be walking around like a real person just isn't as strange as it might have once been.]

You're--... not exactly what I would have expected.

[deadendjob]

Yeah, they never get the nose right. Prophets, what can I tell ya.

text un; the magician

[iminthebook]

[ ...

...

why now?

Harry sighs, and sends a text. ]

Why are you setting up a company here?

video

[deadendjob]

Gotta say it again, sorry, kiddo. Can't read a thing without my glasses.

[choosetruth]

Sure as fuck not the lord my god.

[Perhaps a little more aggressive than necessary, but Georgia has reasons for being an atheist. She’s been here long enough to know gods are an actual thing in some worlds, or at least entities that call themselves gods, but that doesn’t mean she has to believe in them.]

If it makes you feel better, this particular “ball” was spinning long before you got here. I highly doubt you have to do anything to keep it going.

[deadendjob]

Hey, ouch. Why's everyone so hostile out here?

[video]

[perfectlyhuman]

[ ...well, one's bound to exist, right? If angels and demons do. And Satan. And...himself.

But maybe this isn't even the one from where he comes from. Maybe where some of his friends do? There's lots of demons and at least an angel left in this world, so... ]

Are you really God?