text - be gay do crimes

[h2no]

so what the fuck is up with that persistent urge to ruin your own life?

Comments

Re: text;

[h2no]

ain't that the god damn truth
you think it's possible to do this out of anger?
jealousy?
that's where i've been leaning

[dragony]

it's possible, definitely
the source of those emotions would dictate the response, but it's an easy jump

"if I'm going to be miserable, I might as well decide how"
"if I'll lose it all anyway, I might as well throw it away"
"if it's already ruined, I might as well destroy what's left"

if your heart is in discomfort, it's going to reach for something familiar
even if what's familiar is much worse than how things are now

[h2no]

yeah
i guess so
you know what's fucked up?
i always feel like this when something good happens for my friends
or they have it made
i would never make it their problem
i did that once and hurt someone so badly

it's fucking stupid and selfish
maybe that's just what my heart is

[dragony]

as a professional on the subject
hearts are VERY stupid

but i can understand it
it's when things are good for them
but you're still struggling, right?
even if the pain is small, it still exists
even before you act on the urge
is that how it is for you?

[h2no]

yeah
i think i'm still bitter about losing people as well
and spending so long thinking i just needed to get over it bc other people have it worse was a stupid idea
like you invalidate how you feel to the point that feeling ANYTHING makes you implode

typical import bullshit really

[dragony]

you're still doing it, too
"typical"
we all suffer different things here, that's true
but that doesn't make them the same
or more important, less important
it's no easy thing to come back from, either

for me, at least
i always thought the hardest part was losing people to port-outs, and things like that
misery and grief
but the truth is, it hurt worse to feel like my pain didn't matter to anyone else
because when it's like that, it feels like it shouldn't matter at all
that kind of thing... whether it's all your own decision, or it's a reaction to how you're treated
part of that pain transforms into resentment
even if you don't mean for it to happen

[h2no]

oh, yeah
maybe getting to the point where i'm aware i'm doing it is progress, at least

this is a shitty thing to relate on
i've been in trouble with a friend for not being happy enough before
they've since apologised but it still stings quite a lot
it'd be nice to have some degree of control over all this bullshit but i guess if anyone did then there would be no problems ever

[dragony]

wow
that's an awful thing to fight about
even the people who can manipulate their own emotions have trouble with the positive things — making it genuine, making it last
what kind of chance does anyone else have, for forcing it?
i'd be irritated for a long time too

the people that you lost...
it sounds like it was a long time ago
or it started back then, at least
do you have anyone left, now, that knew you then?
who knew them?

[h2no]

yeah it was a really stupid bitchfight
definitely one of those arguments that was an explosion of frustration on both our parts
i should be over it but u know how it goes when somethin cuts deep

no
and yes
i don't like to bring them up often because i know they miss them too